Family issues

cottoncandie · 04-23-2009, 04:23 AM

Hi everyone,

For the past few months, I've been struggling A LOT with problems that have arisen in my family. I am a college student and will be graduating this summer. My family and I moved to the U.S. from Hong Kong in 1996 and my parents have been planning on moving back as soon as I finish college. Because so, I have also thought that I would move back with them, and so have they. However, I realized recently that I might want to stay in the U.S. Afterall, all my friends are here. My life is here. Moving back is a scary thought to me.
I've been trying to tell my parents this. But as a traditional Chinese family, the parents have the authority and they think family members should stay together (at least in the same geographic area). So my parents is not taking this very well. We have had sooo many arguments about this. The main problem for me is that I am totally financially dependent on my parents as I have never had a job before...
On top of this, I am recently dating this man that I've liked for a long time. We are very much in love with each other, but my parents are totally against this relationship. I can't say I don't understand why: 1) he is not Asian (my parents want me to marry someone Chinese) and 2) there is an age gap between us (19 years). In addition, my parents know that this relationship is going to affect my decision of going back to Hong Kong. So honestly, I haven't had the guts to tell my parents that I am in a relationship, though they know that we both kinda like each other (at least they think he is after me). Everytime I go out with him, I would have to lie to my parents because if they know the truth, they would not let me see him at all.
My point is, I am getting really tired and sick of hiding. I don't know what to do at all about the whole moving thing. And I am starting to feel like my parents are controlling. I don't want to think of my parents in a negative way, but I can't help it when they don't approve of anything I do. I absolutely hate hiding and lying to them. But I have no choice but to do so in order to protect this relationship... Yet, I know my relationship with my parents is going downhill...
Thanks for reading me vent

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 04-23-2009, 07:21 PM

Your still in College, and finding even a part time job and a place to rent, pay the bills, will be very difficult.

The boyfriend of 3 months, may be close to 40 years of age, but also is not your solid rock, he's not even sure if your on the same page, ( in his words), so don't count him into the factor, decision making...

When you can be in-dependent and stand on your own two feet, you are an adult and can make your own decisions, naturally parents can't fathom their daughter living in another country, so far away from them, so young, no money etc. Off course they want to protect, which may come across alternatively as smothering.

Why don't you ask them to hold of for a few months, because you want to see if you can gain employment, stand on your own two feet a little, let them see their little girl mature and then both make the decision of where to go from there..

I assume they put you through college here and they have their own life too, and want to know go back to their own Country, having put you through college in USA..

Are you sure it's not this man that is swaying you to want to stay in USA....

I know you say your in-love but on your other thread, it's evident he's not sure what he really wants, or what will or won't work out in this relationship.

CW

cottoncandie · 04-23-2009, 08:24 PM

Hi CW,

Thank you for your reply!

Over the last two months, my boyfriend and I have experienced many challenges that has strengthened our relationship. Now, we both feel more strongly about this relationship and would like to stay together, if everything permits. He has been helping me with my family issues by giving me emotional support, but he has never once suggested that I'd stay in the U.S. solely for him. In fact, he said he would seriously consider moving to HK with us if I really end up moving with my parents. Even so, I think it would be really hard for him because he has been in the U.S his whole life and Asia is a totally different world to him...

I'd love to take your advice and ask my parents to allow me to find a job and try it out a little first... but my parents have always been these authoritative figures to me and I always feel intimidated/scared to let them know what I think in fear of getting them upset. I really wish that I can just be open to them about everything, but knowing from past experiences that it would only lead to arguments and strife, I can never be as open to them as I'd like to...

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 04-23-2009, 08:27 PM

Well that's great that your boyfriend seems to want to be with you regardless of where you live.

And, unfortunately people can get "set in their ways", appears your parents are.

If your boyfriend would move, can he find employment simular to what he is doing now over there?

Rent a place with ease, financially?

It may be for say 2 years, and then you can spread your wings and fly, as an individual, as you get yourself established as well with employment, and a career path.

Maybe your timing is just out.

But, in my opinion, there is always a solution, you just have to find it.

CW

cottoncandie · 04-25-2009, 08:29 PM

thank you CW, for your response! I think what you suggested seems like a good idea. thanks for reminding there is always a solution to a problem! That gives me hope =]

04-23-2009, 04:23 AM	#1
cottoncandie Junior Member Join Date: Mar 2009 Posts: 7	Family issues Hi everyone, For the past few months, I've been struggling A LOT with problems that have arisen in my family. I am a college student and will be graduating this summer. My family and I moved to the U.S. from Hong Kong in 1996 and my parents have been planning on moving back as soon as I finish college. Because so, I have also thought that I would move back with them, and so have they. However, I realized recently that I might want to stay in the U.S. Afterall, all my friends are here. My life is here. Moving back is a scary thought to me. I've been trying to tell my parents this. But as a traditional Chinese family, the parents have the authority and they think family members should stay together (at least in the same geographic area). So my parents is not taking this very well. We have had sooo many arguments about this. The main problem for me is that I am totally financially dependent on my parents as I have never had a job before... On top of this, I am recently dating this man that I've liked for a long time. We are very much in love with each other, but my parents are totally against this relationship. I can't say I don't understand why: 1) he is not Asian (my parents want me to marry someone Chinese) and 2) there is an age gap between us (19 years). In addition, my parents know that this relationship is going to affect my decision of going back to Hong Kong. So honestly, I haven't had the guts to tell my parents that I am in a relationship, though they know that we both kinda like each other (at least they think he is after me). Everytime I go out with him, I would have to lie to my parents because if they know the truth, they would not let me see him at all. My point is, I am getting really tired and sick of hiding. I don't know what to do at all about the whole moving thing. And I am starting to feel like my parents are controlling. I don't want to think of my parents in a negative way, but I can't help it when they don't approve of anything I do. I absolutely hate hiding and lying to them. But I have no choice but to do so in order to protect this relationship... Yet, I know my relationship with my parents is going downhill... Thanks for reading me vent

04-23-2009, 07:21 PM	#2
CHANDLERS WISH WH Moderator Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: Australia Posts: 9,968 Blog Entries: 7	Your still in College, and finding even a part time job and a place to rent, pay the bills, will be very difficult. The boyfriend of 3 months, may be close to 40 years of age, but also is not your solid rock, he's not even sure if your on the same page, ( in his words), so don't count him into the factor, decision making... When you can be in-dependent and stand on your own two feet, you are an adult and can make your own decisions, naturally parents can't fathom their daughter living in another country, so far away from them, so young, no money etc. Off course they want to protect, which may come across alternatively as smothering. Why don't you ask them to hold of for a few months, because you want to see if you can gain employment, stand on your own two feet a little, let them see their little girl mature and then both make the decision of where to go from there.. I assume they put you through college here and they have their own life too, and want to know go back to their own Country, having put you through college in USA.. Are you sure it's not this man that is swaying you to want to stay in USA.... I know you say your in-love but on your other thread, it's evident he's not sure what he really wants, or what will or won't work out in this relationship. CW __________________ Do we not realise that in order to find a soul It doesn't happen over night if truth were to be told Like everything in life that's hard to achieve you must believe! Register! \| Rules/FAQ \| Contact Mod

04-23-2009, 08:27 PM	#4
CHANDLERS WISH WH Moderator Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: Australia Posts: 9,968 Blog Entries: 7	Well that's great that your boyfriend seems to want to be with you regardless of where you live. And, unfortunately people can get "set in their ways", appears your parents are. If your boyfriend would move, can he find employment simular to what he is doing now over there? Rent a place with ease, financially? It may be for say 2 years, and then you can spread your wings and fly, as an individual, as you get yourself established as well with employment, and a career path. Maybe your timing is just out. But, in my opinion, there is always a solution, you just have to find it. CW __________________ Do we not realise that in order to find a soul It doesn't happen over night if truth were to be told Like everything in life that's hard to achieve you must believe! Register! \| Rules/FAQ \| Contact Mod

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04-23-2009, 08:24 PM	#3
cottoncandie Junior Member Join Date: Mar 2009 Posts: 7	Hi CW, Thank you for your reply! Over the last two months, my boyfriend and I have experienced many challenges that has strengthened our relationship. Now, we both feel more strongly about this relationship and would like to stay together, if everything permits. He has been helping me with my family issues by giving me emotional support, but he has never once suggested that I'd stay in the U.S. solely for him. In fact, he said he would seriously consider moving to HK with us if I really end up moving with my parents. Even so, I think it would be really hard for him because he has been in the U.S his whole life and Asia is a totally different world to him... I'd love to take your advice and ask my parents to allow me to find a job and try it out a little first... but my parents have always been these authoritative figures to me and I always feel intimidated/scared to let them know what I think in fear of getting them upset. I really wish that I can just be open to them about everything, but knowing from past experiences that it would only lead to arguments and strife, I can never be as open to them as I'd like to...

04-25-2009, 08:29 PM	#5
cottoncandie Junior Member Join Date: Mar 2009 Posts: 7	thank you CW, for your response! I think what you suggested seems like a good idea. thanks for reminding there is always a solution to a problem! That gives me hope =]