Am i wrong?

**WildChild** · 05-02-2009 07:19 PM

Wow, you've got a lot going on. So as I understand this, your older brother is a half brother from your dad's previous marriage? Your dad including you so deeply in the problem between him and your mom is inappropriate. It's not uncommon, but not appropriate. No wonder she is feeling needy and unable to let your younger brother grow up. It sounds like they have tried to create sides, you and dad on one side and mom and your brother on the other side. That's not very healthy for any of you.

The ecomomy if tough right now. We are in a transistion time, many old standards of business are going under but new companies, using new technology and meeting new needs are springing up all over the place. The problem for older workers is that we may not have the skills needed and we'll have to find ways to get re-educated or new ways to provide for our families. No doubt your parents are stressed.

How old is your mom? She may well be perimenopausal. Those hormone changes along with all the stress could be taking a toll on her. Add on the problems between her and your dad and she is dealing with a lot.

It's wonderful of your bf to be so supportive but being so dependant isn't good for either of you. I really encourage you to get to the local used bookstore and pick up a copy of, The Heroine's Journey by Maureen Murdock. I think you will find she strikes a chord for you. As a therapist she works primarily with women and in her book she talks about the 'father's daughter', conflict and alienation with your mother and ways to become a more self realized, balanced woman.

You and your brothers have been made to be tools in your parent's drama. As adults of child bearing age most of us are still working things out -who we are, how to cope with the fallout of our own relationships with our parents - which is were we learned about parenting, marriage and dealing with conflict. Some of us work harder at self awareness than others and try not to pass on the nonsense to our kids - but never succeed entirely, hopefully we have at least lessened their burden. Others are so wrapped up in their 'stuff' that they don't see what they are really doing. You are moving into adulthood and it is time for you to start your own journey toward ending the drama in your life, so you don't pass it on to another generation! Learning to see what you and others are really doing is a good place to start. You See what your parents are doing, now take the next step of finding mature and considered ways to become an independant adult. You took a good step getting your parents to agree to your taking this trip. Now continue the process, really do read this book. You aren't in a posistion to move out for awhile but you can make a plan and dealing with your parents on a more adult level and working to be less dependent on your bf so the two of you can have a more equal relationship.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 05-02-2009 07:58 PM

Maybe your Mother is looking at the young ones for the love she doesn't feel that she can get from your Dad, hense wanting so badly Kenny to play Solitare, so that she did something for him, and he was happy, in return she is happy.

I don't know but I don't think it's right for your Dad to show you text messages from your Mother, that's kind of letting your kids get in the middle of an Adult private situation, not that your not an Adult but it should be private, he should discuss his concerns with a mate, or someone not his daughter, I think, and also because you don't need stress in your life other than what it wants to throw at you, not additional from your family..

Your Mother sounds totally lost to me, to come to you after yelling and saying that she loves you, "you know that don't you", she is planning on trying to leave one day or asked to and she knows it, so she is ensuring you know that she does love you.

Neither of them are happy with each other simple and so all little things become major.

If they are not that happy then they need to find a solution to part ways and be happy being themselves and at the same time allowing you to also be yourself without coming home and locking yourself in your room.

CW

**Neaky** · 05-02-2009 09:29 PM

WC - I actually have 2 older brothers [and then Kenny].. But yes, Richie [the oldest] and David [4 years after him] are from dads previous marriage but Richie hasn't lived with us for years.

[Also to CW] My mom doesn't know that dad talks to me about their problems. My dad had been an alcoholic for as long as i can remember and about 7 years back him and mom split up for awhile and he has been sober ever since but has since had friends.. When he gave up drinking, he gave up his buddies because they were all pretty much drunks.

My mom will be 41 in October and i do believe she's had some worries about the whole menopause thing because I've seen her reading books about it.

I know me using Mark for a way out isn't at all good.. He tries to be understanding and he literally spends all his time with me but i know it gets hard for him because he is only 20.. He's still a boy who needs his guy time and i shouldn't lock him down. He tells me all the time he wants to be with me forever and that he loves me to death but we've discussed that neither of us are ready for that just yet so i know i make it hard for him. I do have fears that I'll smoother him or push him away because i have done that in past relationships.. I get too emotional, put myself out there too much, make the boy and the relationship my everything, trying my hardest to make everything perfect and in the end they'd leave me.. Marks my longest relationship and the only guys who's ever been there for me when i needed him.. He is truly my best friend and i am so grateful for everything he's ever done for me. I try, i do. I only have 2 other friends, one who lives 30 minutes away, works, has school and a full time boyfriend who she's been with for 5 years and then the other who lives a few blocks away but is constantly doing school or work and has recently become a hard partyer, taking ecstasy and smoking ridiculous amounts of pot so i try to stay away from that when that's what she's doing. Having no car doesn't help i guess but when i get my license Mark says that i'll be using his Mazda Miata [the only issue is i need to learn stick, lol].

CW - And my mom does, a lot of the time but as soon as Kenny disobeys her, she screams her head off and then when he doesn't listen she gets aggressive and then will call for dad if he is around.. And when i mean aggressive i don't mean literally, she just threatens to spank him or will (i.e) rip the PS2 controller out of his hand. And a lot of the time he doesn't listen to a word she says and then i get frustrated because she babies him, letting him play the PS2 first thing in the morning when he's supposed to be getting ready for school but as soon as he doesn't listen, all breaks loose.

Any time they've gotten into big fights [even sometime in front of Kenny and/or i] she threatens to take us and leave and then this whole other ordeal comes up because she'd run away to my grandparents in New Mexico and dad will throw it in her face that i wont go because of my friends and now Mark.

Neither of them are happy, one bit. Dad sits on the couch watching TV and mom sits on the other couch reading or watching TV as well.. They have shows they enjoy together and yes, sometimes things are fine and we all get along smoothly but 80% of the time, the claws are out. I think they're just staying together, not trying to work anything out just for Kenny and I and dad has told me that once before.. He's told me he wanted to run away and not come back. I honestly don't know anymore..

**Neaky** · 05-04-2009 12:58 PM

So, i leave in about an hour or 2 to drive from my house to go to Marathon with Nuriye [pronounced Nudia, aka, Austin's girlfriend, and Austin being Marks best friend, lol.. That was a lot to type out] and i am super antsy and like, nervous!?

My dad was a bit sad this morning, "I'm gonna miss you, i won't see you till you get back," I felt bad

I know he'll be okay. I was like, "I won't be gone for long." Lol, even my mom was like, "I'll miss you!" when she was leaving for work.

The past couple days have been fairly good, surprisingly. I think because I was home this weekend and not out and about with the SO seeing as he's been with Austin and his parents sailing South, lol. Spent time with them a little too and they were a lot better this weekend.

I dunno. I hope everything will be alright while I'm gone.

**WildChild** · 05-04-2009 01:25 PM

They'll be fine. Enjoy yourself

**kms** · 05-14-2009 12:07 AM

It seems that your mom feels as though she has no control in her life, and hence is trying to control all the small, 'insignificant' things, like the computer tower being changed, or a password, or your brother not listening when he's playing video games. Your dad has allied himself with you, so you aren't in her control, even though it sounds like she tries by throwing herself in the middle of your arguments with your dad. She's probably feeling unloved, isolated, and lonely. Your father, on the other hand, has recently overcome a huge obstacle in his life and wants to go to extremes to make sure that never happens to you. Plus, the relationship between your parents may have had problems for quite some time, but your father never fully realized them until he got sober and realized how unhappy he truly was.

As for your own future, get yourself declared legally independent from your parents (on your taxes), and then see how much financial aid and grants you can get for school (you get more if you're legally independent, and get less if your parents claim you on their taxes). You can also do work study or at the very least work on campus to help supplement your money supply. If your grades in high school were good, see what scholarships you could apply for. Depending on what major you go into, you could also qualify for other scholarships depending on your need level and diversity qualifications (ie being female in a male-dominated field usually means more scholarship money available). If there's a local college, see if you could go talk to an academic advisor about your situation. It doesn't do any good to rule out college if you aren't fully informed, and it never hurts to just ask. If you are able to get the finances to go to college, that would give you the freedom to be away from your family and would allow you the space to grow and learn who you are without smothering your boyfriend. It would give you two the space to have a real relationship without him having the burden of always 'rescuing' you and all the time spent with him being more of an escape than simply enjoyment.

If you don't know what to major in, you have the first 1-2 years to figure that out since getting the general education classes out of the way takes that long, and in the meantime you could go to the career counseling center and take a few assessments that could help you figure that out.

It's important that you take the time to really decide where you see yourself going, and what you want to do with the rest of your life. Do you want to be stuck at Panera indefinitely, either living with your parents or moving in with a boyfriend the second he can afford to support you? Or do you want something else for your life, something you may have to really work for and do on your own? And if so, what is that? Is it college? Is it simply different kind of work? What are your strengths? What do you enjoy doing? A lot of questions...

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