Neaky

Growing up I've always been a daddy's girl, doing what i should, of course giving attitude here and there like any normal hormonal teenage girl but nothing extreme.. I spent a lot of time with my parents. As I've gotten older, graduated from High School, acquired very close friends and a very serious boyfriend I started become a little distant but still "obeyed" what they said. Now, I'm getting on the more "rebellious" side, so to speak.. But is it being rebellious if you're 19 years old?

My boyfriend has invited me on a week vacation to the Keys, a place i have never been and probably never, ever will get the opportunity to go to again, for free. There will be parents. My father REFUSES to accept the fact that i DESPERATELY want to go. I mean, i have been begging him to go and now, i have just decided that I'm going to go.

A bit of a background on the relationship:
I've known this boy since i was 12 years old. We did the whole "middle school relationship" thing for close to all of middle school and as dumb as it sounds, i literally considered him my "first" love. Well, we broke up, lost contact and then got back together 8 months ago. He's the only guy i've ever been serious with and the only guy who's ever respected me in every way, shape and form and been accepted by the family. So this isn't some new relationship where i would be going off with complete strangers.

My dad has always been very protective of me and he doesn't think i understand that he's just looking out for me but because of the way he TELLS me "You can't do this, you can't go there, you need to be home by 11 o'clock" it all seems like a controlling thing. I mean, my own mother can't even go against him because he gets so pissed and says she's going against him and they aren't in this together yet HE makes all the decisions when it comes to me.. Every, last, decision. My boyfriend got so upset last night because of how my dad was treating me.. I get to the point where I don't want to be home, I want to move out, run away, feel so useless and like i'm worth nothing because i have no control over my life. I'm ridiculously unhappy and depressed and honestly don't know what to do. I can't risk getting kicked out because i have no money what so ever but I'm at the point in my life where i just want to be like "screw you, my life, i'm going to do what i want."

Any advice, please. Am i wrong if i just go to the Keys, regardless of what he says? All my friends tell me i should go because i will never have this opportunity again.

WildChild

The age of consent in Florida is 18, so you are legal sexually and can make a contract. However you still live in your parent's home and you aren't self supporting. Are you in college? Are they paying for it? What do you think your father would do if you defied him and went against his wishes? Are you prepared for the consequences? What would you do if you returned to find all your stuff on the lawn (this happened to a gf of mine in HS) or found yourself locked out with just what you had in your travel bag?

Legally your parents no longer have an obligation to support you. It is your life and you have the right to live it as you wish but that also means you have to support yourself and pay for it. As a parent I see my responsibilty to gradually bring my kids (I have an 18 & 15yr old) into making their own choices. This has meant helping them look at all the sides to the choices they make. It also means continuing to provide them a home until they are ready to be self suporting. I've not really encouraged mine to get jobs because they both have honors and AP classes and I consider school to be their work. So it is my fault or responsiblity that my 18 yr old won't be ready to support herself when she graduates next month. She still has quite a bit of latitude in making choices for herself because that is part of her preparation for when she does leave the nest. This fall she'll in a college dorm, a whole 2 miles away, but it's still not at home.

Few young people are able to support themselves at that age these days. I was responsible increasingly for my own financial needs from the age of 14 and on my own before I was 19. A close freind of mine was emancipated at 15 and not only supported himself but finished HS with his class. But we each had compelling reasons far beyond being denighed a vacation, to get out of our parental households.

Are you abused or do have a fear of being abused if you go against your father's wishes? You have to weigh the situation carefully, this part of adult type decision making. Maturity and age are two different things. Children beg and plead, adults plan and discuss. Would it help if the young man's parents spoke with your father? Perhaps made a point that you would be in separate rooms?

No one on here can reasonably tell you what to do, this is a decision you have to make. You need to make it rationally and in a reasoned fashion.

Neaky

Wild Child, i appreciate your input. I hope that you don't think the point of my post was me stomping my foot saying "Daddy won't let me do this..." because i was not trying to come off in that way. The point of my post was to get advice or some kind of input from the outside. All i have is my boyfriend and 2 best friends to get advice from and all 3 of them say i should go.

I am not in college because my family is in no way financially set to have given me that opportunity and i was waiting till i have a proper enough job that gave me a decent enough salary to get a car so i could get back and forth because i rely on mostly my boyfriend for transportation.. I was going to apply for a grant or a loan but my job gives me not nearly enough hours and minimum wage so saving hasn't exactly been easy at this new job.

In my eyes, my father doesn't advise me to do this or do that, he TELLS me i can't do this, i can't go there and i HAVE TO be home at this time. I can't even go to New Mexico to visit my grandparents because he doesn't like my aunt and he doesn't trust me with my cousins who are 1 to 2 years older than me.. All in all, he treats me like i can't take care of myself and i do not how to fend for myself. Yes, he has sheltered me ridiculous amounts and supported me in every aspect of my life but i want to break free and trying taking control of my life and finding myself. I am a 19 year old girl who has no idea who i am, what i want in life or what i want to DO with my life.. I hate it.

I honestly have no clue of my consequences due to the fact that when my 22 year old brother got out of jail, my parents had given him 2 weeks to find a job or go to school, which he never did, and kept threatening that they were going to pack his stuff and kick him out but didn't until 2 months later.. And according to my boyfriend, they legally cannot kick me out because this is my only home. His best friend had that issue with his parents and the cops got involved and they said that is his home and they can't do anything. My dad knows this as well because he reads the paper all the time and has seen articles on the subject.

I do not expect my father to just let me run a muck and do what i want, i just ask that he give me the opportunity to try things on my own and figure myself out. I feel smothered and feel like i'm going nowhere in life and like i am nothing because i work at Panera, have no money, no license, no car and am not in college and a lot of that has to do with my father. I don't know.

The trip would be a 6 day thing to the Keys with my boyfriend, his best friend, his best friends parents and his best friends girlfriend. He has spoken to the kids father, planned what he was going to ask but didn't ask all he said he was going to, yelling at me because i didn't know the exact plans because Lane [my boyfriends friends father] changed his mind about the travel plan due to the weather. If i do not give my father exact "i'm doing this, going here with this person" answer ever single text as soon as he sends it or answer his call when he calls, he flips a ...(edited) He texts me at least 30 times a day.. At least. And that's no exaggeration.

No, i do not have any fear that my father would lay a finger on me.. I know he wouldn't. Again, i know a lot of what he does is because he worries about me and i'm sure he always will, as long as he lives but it is too much.. I am 19 years old.. I am not a child anymore and i don't need him to hold my hand with every little thing i do. He has taught me to look at both sides of things when it comes to making decisions.. I've grown up with a brother who has been in and out of jail, gotten into drugs heavily, drank and partied all the time, an aunt addicted to crack and an alcoholic uncle. I've never once been to a party, drank alcohol, done any drugs aside from smoke pot [which my parents are well aware of] and waited till i was with the right guy and felt completely ready at 18 to become in anyway sexually active. I do not regret any thing i have done in my life and i am thankful for how lucky i was to have parents who have brought me up to be the young lady i am today but in my eyes, it is about time i start taking control of my life and falling in the places necessary to learn.

WildChild

It sounds like,for the circumstances you are a sensible young lady and aware of what is going on. One of the things about adults is that they aren't all, all that mature - some people get older without getting any wiser! It sounds like you dad is scared to see you end up in the kind of trouble other family members have gotten into. It's a balancing act as a parent, too much freedom and it's trouble but not enough can create the same problems since young people who haven't had the opportunity to make their own choices and get in and out of a few small scrapes will lack the skills and judgement to deal with life. I think that's why we see so many go nuts their first year of college. Every year there are kids who drink themselves to death or do something simply idiotic that will end or damage them for life.

Given your dad's past behavior with your brother it doesn't sound like you are in much danger of ending up on the street or bruised and battered, although it's not unusual in the US for parents to treat sons differently than daughters. You need a long term plan and a short term solution to the vacation issue. I don't want to say do or don't do it because you are at a pivotal time in your life. If you were older I would say go for it. Just politlely tell your parents you are going, provide contact information and where you will be staying and tell them you will contact them at least twice a day. My daughter traveled with a gfs family when she was 14 or 15 and that was the deal. This is a decision You have to make. You will live with the results for some time possibly.

Long term, is there public transportation in your community? Can you get around without a car or anyone driving you? Visit the local community college career guidance office and talk to them about getting started - just one class a quarter if that's what it takes. They have testing methods and various ways to help you decide what you want to study and they can help you with applying for grants, scholarships and financial aid. Get yourself a plan and don't plug into studying something that doesn't pay! Too many women do this, they pay as much for an education as men, spend as long in school and come out with a degree in something that will all but guarantee they will be at the bottom of the pay scale for life. The guidance people have info on expected earnings and projections on what fields will need people in the coming years, Utilize all that. Don't ask your parent's permission, just get it done. Start taking charge of your life as much as you can by planning for your future.

The worst thing you could do for your self development would be to go straight from daddys house to bfs house. You need to get out on your own for a few years so you can really find out who you are and what you really want - besides out.

You can do this. You have a good head on your shoulders. Start finding ways to, don't let your parents be an excuse not to. You will blossom and grow in ways you can't imagine right now as you start to make positive choices for yourself. Get after it! What'sthe saying? Seize the day!

CHANDLERS WISH

It's evident that your Father where's the trousers if your Mother can not ever stand her ground or come to your defense in any situation.

It's an overdose seriously that he texts you 30 times a day.

And, I imagine there is a fear after your brother went to jaol, perhaps he sees you as getting pregnant with no job and no home, a fear...

My Father was very much like that except for all the text messages, but he certainly took full control and said no all the time to any little thing even if parents were there, i suspect through fear...

He's actually now that I am way older, a kind soul, however, he is very self opinionated still but as i can now stand my ground, and have for years, we laugh of his "opinions" sometimes and that's that.

Him included... to a degree.

It's tough being a parent.

It's tough being a child.

It's tough maturing into an adult and the parent not seeing anything but a child.

Ask your friend's parents to write down the itinery for those 6 days and give that to your Dad... Let him see it as visual and ask if they can put pen to paper that they intend to be there the whole time, overseeing, where you all will be sleeping as well.

I suspect he is fearing that girl, boy, with another girl, boy, sneaking away from the parents as they sleep etc, etc.....

A fear.

You have to also speak to your Father and tell him, "Dad, I am 19 which means i am going on 20, i respect you, and your rules, however, 30 text messages a day, is very difficult for me as i try to work, or live my life, you've bought me up well and you have to learn to trust me and realise i am growing into an adult now, I will always be your little girl"....

Sometimes hearing it from the "babe's mouth" is the best.

WC has also given you good advice, it is your life, you can make it what ever you want to, there is no such thing as "can't"..

You see your life as it is now, part time job, not enough income, can't move out, etc, then make mountains move, work towards how your will obtain a full time job, and stand on your own two feet. College is not the reason most employers employ someone, pending on the job, it's often the "fire in the belly" from a person who shows that, the "can do approach" "the, I want this job" attitude... I am an employer.

Going without your Dad's approval, well yes you are old enough to do so, no, it wouldn't be the best idea, as you still reside under his roof, his rules, and it's disrespect, unless you perhaps hand him the itinery and letter and once he has read it, state something simular as to what I said above, regarding, always being his little girl but your grown up now, becoming a young lady and he should also respect that.

Good luck...

CW

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Neaky

Thank you to both Wild Child and Chandlers Wish for your advice. It helped.

I have talked to my father the past couple of days, frustration and yelling aside and he has become alright with the idea of me going. It was a struggle but when he had talked to Lane [my bf's friends father] he said he felt like he was a nice guy and that had a bit to do with him becoming comfortable with the idea.

It wasn't so much about the "girl, boy, girl, boy" situation he was uncomfortable or scared about because i've spent the night with my boyfriend several times.. No, he has never really liked that because he feels i'm "playing house" with Mark [which that's not really what i'm doing] but because i would be too far away, farther away than i have ever been that wasn't with family and as CW said, fears for me.

But, all in all, i get to attend the trip after all..

My mother is another story. She says she hates when my dad and i argue and she hates getting put in the middle yet she will throw herself into, yelling and screaming at me. Her and i clash a lot.. I guess it's the Italian in us. She is a strange one and i don't know if i will ever understand her. I love her to death, don't get me wrong but she is so crazy it's ridiculous, no pun intended.. I really swear she is crazy.

WildChild

I'm glad to hear you were able to work this out even if it did get a little tense. I think as long as you act responsibly, your parents will start to feel more comfortable. Plain and simple at this age either parents have done a good job of helping your be well grounded or they haven't - it's up to you now.

What makes you feel your mom is crazy?

Neaky

She seems to have multiple personalities. One minute she will be yelling her head off about something so stupid [and i literally mean something so stupid], the next "I love you Neaky." Here's an example:

For Christmas Mark [my boyfriend] got me a desktop computer.. We didn't have one in my house 'cos my parents didn't have the money to buy a new one when i broke the last one [it was purely accidental, lol]. Well, i told my parents they could you use it 'cos i didn't care.. My mom used it to check my little brothers school work and for my little brother to do school projects. There was a point where Mark and i switched towers because at the time, he was staying at a friends and they'd been playing an internet game and his computer was slower than mine, soo, we switched. Well, my parents started questioning, "Why'd you do that? Why'd he take it? Why cant he use his own?" literally going crazy [mostly my mother]. My mom called me one day to get the computer password so Kenny [my little brother] could play solitaire, Mark didn't feel very comfortable with that so i changed it. They call me a few days later screaming at me about it and i told them, "Mark didn't feel comfortable." "Well, your boyfriends an a-hole and he's not aloud in my house anymore. Why is this computer here anyways!?" So we took it out and then they got even more pissed at me so i didn't talk to them for days really because i was sick of getting yelled at over a piece of hardware and a few days later my moms like, "Neaky, I love you, please don't think i don't because i do" trying to be all lovey dovey and stuff.. I hate that with a passion.

Maybe i just don't understand her? I dunno.

WildChild

Wow, I don't get that behavior at all. Your bf bought You a desktop computer, that's very generous gift! To then get all worked up about the two of you making some changes makes no sense to me.

Has your mom always been like this? It sounds like your parents are very financially stressed, that can cause people to do some pretty strange things. Seems like they create a lot of drama over small things.

Neaky

"Create drama over small things" is a bit of an understatement.

Neither of my parents are happy in the marriage.. How i know this? Like i said, my dad and i were very close.. I considered him to be my best friend [i still do on some levels] and we'd talk about everything. He has confided in me before that he isn't in love with my mother in the same way he used to be..

Stress in my household is a huge factor to a lot of the things that go on. My brothers incarsiration, my youngest brother having ADHD and my mother being terrified to let him grow up [he will be 12 on the 22nd and my mother REFUSES to allow him to be home alone.. She babys him on a ridiculous level] and then my dad being over protective of me, not letting me grow up on my own, my dad now pretty much losing his job because of the economy and his boss not picking up any jobs, the bills, my mothers recent car wreck when my father was away on a business trip and her car was totalled and then when my dad got back, having to afford a new vehicle..

That's pretty much all i can think of but i honestly don't remeber my mother being like this when i was younger. In the past months before my brother went to go live with his biological mother, my parents had been arguing a lot about him and at one point my dad showed me texts from my mom saying how she was very unhappy in the marriage and wanted to get away and how things werent the same and how my dad lets David [my brother] get in between them.

My household isn't all that easy to be in.. It's not a horrible household with drugs, abuse or anything crazy like that but it's completely stressful on so many levels. Half the time i don't even want to be there. There are times when Mark will drop me off at home to go hang out with his buddies and i'll just sit in my room literally depressed and completely bummed at some points crying because i cannot stand being at home with all the yelling and fighting which is on a basis more than necessary for any household. He gets so crushed and hurt because i'm so dependant on him, and not finanically or anything.. I look at him as more like my sanity.. When i'm with him, i can be me, do me and feel comfortable, not dealing with yelling and fighting and being told to do this, that or the other.. He makes me feel good and good about myself which is something i've never had in my life.