a car accident took my cousin's wife and he is devistated

**Joy** · 05-23-2009, 10:04 PM

we should only promise love in present tense
my cousin lost his wife in a car accident he is devistated because of forever he thought he had her forever and when she was ripped away he ran out of time and had big regrets it broke my heart to watch him suffer .

it showed me we can';t promise forever we can only love for this moment that is why peple forget to show love then couples fall away from one another cause they think they have forever to show love. They think forever is a long time we can only promise to love now that is why it always hurts when we lose it.

He is having such a hard time with healing.... I got him to see a professional and I try to cheer him up a bit and listen to him. I just don't know what else i can do to help him. This happened almost 2 years ago and i know the griefing process is long and different for everyone. I just feel so helpless to help him find hope.

Please help

**WildChild** · 05-23-2009, 10:34 PM

This is so hard to deal with. What can you do or say? All you can usually do is let them know you care and you love them. It's good you got him in for some counseling. This sounds like it may be guilt as much as anything. You are so right, nothing is forever, people leave us, sometimes even though they don't want to. No matter what you do or say, ultimately he has to choose how he responds.

He will have to move on, but when and how is up to him. There is an old tradition in the Northwestern Tribes as well as some others that once a year has passed after a death, you should have a giveaway, to honor the person who has gone on and you gift all their possessions to others. This gives the time to mourn a limit, allows you to bring some joy or help to others by giving things they need or will have a use for and it allows the family and community to remember the one who has died and say goodbye.

Be there for him but don't let him engulf you in this. If you can try to get him out to do some fun things once in a while. A picnic, a visit to the museum of public gardens, maybe a movie?

You are such a sensitive and perceptive woman, I have no doubt you find the right things to say and do.

**rcoreyus** · 05-24-2009, 12:24 AM

Death is so hard to deal with. All you can do is try to realize that your partner would have wanted you to be happy and to go on with your life. Try to think of how you would wish they would act if you had died.

But those are just words, the reality is beyond words, and all you can offer is comfort.

**Joy** · 05-24-2009, 09:44 AM

WC that is such a great tradition and thank you for your support.

rcoreyus I've said those exact words to him about how his wife gave so much of herself to him and so much of spirit. She wouldn't want him wasting that. Honor her go out and kinda ya know pay it forward. She gave a lot to him made him feel special and confident. I think its more she showed him he could be those things and now with out her he thinks he is nothing, has nothing.

His brother died years before that and he hasn't let go of that pain. His wife passed away 2 years ago in august and then by that christmas he lost his dad to cancer. I know it was a lot of letting go and losing people all at once for him. He carrys such a burden of pain on himself.

Very true words and reality easy said not easy done all the time.

Masquerade · 05-25-2009, 10:25 AM

My cousin was in a similar situation as well. Her parents and her husband passed away within about a year of each other. It took her a long while but with the help of family and friends she was able to pick herself up. The pain will never go away but she now has the strength to move on.

From this post, I can see how much you love and care for your cousin, and he will need that love to carry him through the hard times. But I know you will be there to help him when he needs you. That's what he needs right now...

**chica** · 06-03-2009, 06:31 PM

Ms Joy...

I am sorry your cousin is still in pain. I lost someone who I thought was going to be a big part of my life. We went to high school together, and reunited when we were about 20/21 he and I started to hang out, see where things would go. Shortly after that we were suppose to go on a motorcycle run, and it was a sunday July 18th 2009, I got called into work. He died at 4 PM that day from a motorcycle accident. He was so special to me. He is the only man, I ever feel in love with instantly. He was a prince, and charming. I can only tell you to tell your cousin, things happen for a reason. I still dont know why he had to die. But with time, it will heal, the pain, the emptiness. I try and celebrate his life, and remember the wonderful few memories I have of him. And try and live life for him.

Maybe explaining that to him will help.

05-23-2009, 10:04 PM	#1
Joy Gold Contributor 500+ Posts Join Date: Jul 2008 Location: Canada Posts: 625 Blog Entries: 5	a car accident took my cousin's wife and he is devistated we should only promise love in present tense my cousin lost his wife in a car accident he is devistated because of forever he thought he had her forever and when she was ripped away he ran out of time and had big regrets it broke my heart to watch him suffer . it showed me we can';t promise forever we can only love for this moment that is why peple forget to show love then couples fall away from one another cause they think they have forever to show love. They think forever is a long time we can only promise to love now that is why it always hurts when we lose it. He is having such a hard time with healing.... I got him to see a professional and I try to cheer him up a bit and listen to him. I just don't know what else i can do to help him. This happened almost 2 years ago and i know the griefing process is long and different for everyone. I just feel so helpless to help him find hope. Please help

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05-23-2009, 10:34 PM	#2
WildChild Gold Contributor 500+ Posts Join Date: Sep 2008 Location: Western USA Posts: 6,230 Blog Entries: 5	This is so hard to deal with. What can you do or say? All you can usually do is let them know you care and you love them. It's good you got him in for some counseling. This sounds like it may be guilt as much as anything. You are so right, nothing is forever, people leave us, sometimes even though they don't want to. No matter what you do or say, ultimately he has to choose how he responds. He will have to move on, but when and how is up to him. There is an old tradition in the Northwestern Tribes as well as some others that once a year has passed after a death, you should have a giveaway, to honor the person who has gone on and you gift all their possessions to others. This gives the time to mourn a limit, allows you to bring some joy or help to others by giving things they need or will have a use for and it allows the family and community to remember the one who has died and say goodbye. Be there for him but don't let him engulf you in this. If you can try to get him out to do some fun things once in a while. A picnic, a visit to the museum of public gardens, maybe a movie? You are such a sensitive and perceptive woman, I have no doubt you find the right things to say and do.

05-24-2009, 12:24 AM	#3
rcoreyus March 2008 "Poster of the Month" Join Date: Sep 2007 Location: SF bay area Posts: 1,334	Death is so hard to deal with. All you can do is try to realize that your partner would have wanted you to be happy and to go on with your life. Try to think of how you would wish they would act if you had died. But those are just words, the reality is beyond words, and all you can offer is comfort.

05-24-2009, 09:44 AM	#4
Joy Gold Contributor 500+ Posts Join Date: Jul 2008 Location: Canada Posts: 625 Blog Entries: 5	WC that is such a great tradition and thank you for your support. rcoreyus I've said those exact words to him about how his wife gave so much of herself to him and so much of spirit. She wouldn't want him wasting that. Honor her go out and kinda ya know pay it forward. She gave a lot to him made him feel special and confident. I think its more she showed him he could be those things and now with out her he thinks he is nothing, has nothing. His brother died years before that and he hasn't let go of that pain. His wife passed away 2 years ago in august and then by that christmas he lost his dad to cancer. I know it was a lot of letting go and losing people all at once for him. He carrys such a burden of pain on himself. Very true words and reality easy said not easy done all the time.

05-25-2009, 10:25 AM	#5
Masquerade Junior Member Join Date: May 2009 Location: Australia Posts: 4	My cousin was in a similar situation as well. Her parents and her husband passed away within about a year of each other. It took her a long while but with the help of family and friends she was able to pick herself up. The pain will never go away but she now has the strength to move on. From this post, I can see how much you love and care for your cousin, and he will need that love to carry him through the hard times. But I know you will be there to help him when he needs you. That's what he needs right now...

06-03-2009, 06:31 PM	#6
chica VIP Member Join Date: Mar 2009 Posts: 34	Ms Joy... I am sorry your cousin is still in pain. I lost someone who I thought was going to be a big part of my life. We went to high school together, and reunited when we were about 20/21 he and I started to hang out, see where things would go. Shortly after that we were suppose to go on a motorcycle run, and it was a sunday July 18th 2009, I got called into work. He died at 4 PM that day from a motorcycle accident. He was so special to me. He is the only man, I ever feel in love with instantly. He was a prince, and charming. I can only tell you to tell your cousin, things happen for a reason. I still dont know why he had to die. But with time, it will heal, the pain, the emptiness. I try and celebrate his life, and remember the wonderful few memories I have of him. And try and live life for him. Maybe explaining that to him will help.