badwolf

I was in an abusive marriage for 7 years and finally got a divorce last year. I made a lot of sacrifices to try and cut him out of my life completely so I could move on and be happy. My friends and family have been very supportive and protective of me, however, my brother's wife still stays in contact with him. This upsets me personally because I've told her about how he treated me and how he tries to abuse and intimidate me even now. My brother is in the middle but defends her, and my parents are upset about it but don't want to get involved. My parents and my brother are the only family I have and my mother is dying, I don't want to create tension in my family but I can't have my ex still in my life either. What should I do?

Joy

you can't control who people interact with but i see your point. I don't know if she has good intensions or bad but she is upsetting you by crossing a boundry that you have put into place with your X.

I don't know how often she communicates with him but if it s everyday then that is a bit much. Does she volunteer information that they discuss?

yellowpiXi3

hi BW:

i am sorry to hear that you are in a tough spot and you didn't even put yourself there! all i can say is stay strong and see if you can talk to your sister in law one on one. Express to her how you feel about her staying in touch with your ex. IF she still refuses to respect your request; you should just not let it affect you. i know its gotta be tough; however if your ex's ploy is to get to you through relatives then don't let him. if she brings it up then change the subject and say its in the past. the best thing for you right now is getting over the whole situation by keeping your mind off of the situation. surround yourself with family members that wont talk about your situation and just keep positive.

i wish you luck

Iseulda

I agree with the others - you can't tell her who to interact with. You can only tell her how you feel and see what happens. You can politely ask her not to discuss you with him and you can refuse to listen to anything about him.

I had a somewhat similar thing; my ex would phone my parents, sometimes to try to get them to get me to do something, sometimes to tell them what a bad person I was, sometimes the reason for the call really wasn't clear. My mother humoured him and listened and then, if he finally got me on the phone he'd tell my mother agreed with him about this, that and the other. Of course she didn't agree with him, but this man takes silence as affirmation and approval. I told her that and asked her would she consider not talk talking to him when he called. She said that she listened at least partly because she felt that if she listened to him rant and vent for 30 minutes that was thirty minutes of ranting she'd saved me from. With that attitude I couldn't be annoyed with her. Eventually he realised that talking to her was getting him nothing and gave up.

And that's the main point - if your ex gets nothing from this interaction with your sister in law then he'll probably drop it sooner or later. You just have to grin and bear it, though, for now.

__________________

Now let us sport us while we may; / And now, like am'rous birds of prey,
Rather at once our time devour, / Than languish in his slow-chapp'd power.
Let us roll all our strength, and all / Our sweetness, up into one ball;
And tear our pleasures with rough strife / Thorough the iron gates of life.
Thus, though we cannot make our sun / Stand still, yet we will make him run.