Thread: Will my In-Laws Ever GET IT????

Ahhh the dreaded ILs!!

Now I have to start out by saying I am married for the 2nd time and I have had two totally different IL experiences.

My first marriage was into a wonderful family. I was married for over 12 years and even though my EX and I didn't make it - this family didn't even put a black mark on me (I know amazing, huh?). My oldest daughter from my EX was married just a few years ago (10 years after our divorce) and his family still treats me like family - even telling me I will always be apart of their family. I am still invited to some family functions and call my EX MIL "mom" - she is certainly a lovely, special lady.

Okay but back to my current ILs. I have been married to DH for 10 years this year and it has been a jaw dropping, eye opening, put on your thick skin experience!

I remember times when I was married to my EX DH that I would mention ILs and girls would "roll their eyes" and I never for the life of me understood why - now I understand COMPLETELY.

My MIL and SIL are just horrible. Now the SIL that I am talking about isn't even MILs daughter, she is married to BIL but is even more evil then my ILs.

There have been many many sad things through the years, but I think what took the cake when DH and I were moving as we built a new home. He called up BIL 3 weeks ahead of time and asked for help. It took a lot for him to ask as DH never wants to bother people but I said you can't move the furniture by yourself? BIL said (at 3 weeks before moving day) no problem! So we went with that and worked out most of the rest of moving ahead of time and just saved the big things for that day. Two days before moving day DH called BIL to confirm him helping us move and BIL said "sorry, SIL made an appt for their new baby to have his picture done - that day" DH and I were stunned. Now this is a SIL that doesn't work, she has access to a vehicle all day every day and could go anytime, any day to have this done - especially with knowing we asked ahead of time. She is a very jealous person and didn't want him to help us move into our new home. DH was so upset and kept talking about it to me. I told him he needed to call BIL and tell him how disappointed he was that he said he would help and now couldn't. DH had no one else to help him and now it was 2 days before moving day. He did call BIL and tell him in a nice calm way but that was a start of a WAR.

Just a little bit of background here. Their new baby was our godson. We helped them with many many things before the baby was born. I threw her a very expensive, very nice baby shower and bought several items for the nursery not to mention hosting many dinners that WE paid for when they didn't offer to pitch in, etc. And this was the thanks we got?

Oh, just one more thing about this SIL. Since that incident, where in her mind we were so "uncaring" about having little nephews picture done we have never gotten a picture of him (he is now 8). She has a nasty way of punishing someone for years after if you dare say anything about what they do or don't do.

Recently they bought a home (finally as they were jealous of ours and never came to it) and had another baby. I have learned to keep my distance and only see them when necessary. MIL on the other hand is in a more difficult situation. SIL and BIL HOUND (and I mean that strongly) MIL every week to go over to see their children. They have even gone so far as to tell MIL that she is not a good grandmother because she doesn't do things that SIL thinks she should do for their kids.

MIL and FIL recently had a lot of remolding done in their home. And like usual BIL would be calling her saying when are you coming over this week? MIL told him she was sorry but she needed to skip the week because the house is in such disarray that she needed to do things after work each night. Well now SIL and BIL are punishing her. She hasn't received a call from BIL or SIL for 3 weeks now and she keeps leaving messages asking to go over. To make matters worse, this weekend is their daughter's FIRST BIRTHDAY and they are not inviting any of DH family! NOw I could care less that I go and am more then happy that I am not invited but I do feel bad for MIL. SIL abuses her to no end = always using the kids if she doesn't like something she did. Can you imagine missing your GDs FIRST BIRTHDAY???? I tell DH that SIL is a very evil person!!!

I think what bothers the most about the situation with SIL and MIL is that now my MIL caters to SIL. She goes over there EVERY week (usually) because they threaten her if she doesn't but my DD never gets to see her. I don't say much because I know that they bully her to go over there but call DD of mine once in a while - and I have told her this - but nothing changes.

I think MIL should tell them off but everyone else in the family says oh well. I have had my words with SIL and we have come to an understanding. She knows she can't bully us anymore (though she tried when I was pregnant with DD and they tried to shame us for not coming to see their son - which we did every weekend but I was in my 9th month at 38 years old, it was a week before Xmas and I was exhausted! - her response "I was fine in my 9th month! Sure she was - she is also 15 years younger!)

I tell MIL that NO ONE has the right to tell you what to do, say or where to be when and that they are abusing you AND it affects how MIL treats her other grandchildren - specifically my DD.

Any words of wisdom from the group here?????

There is so much more but I would be writing all night!

I go through something similar for the last 14 years or so. I know how hard it can be. I am very sorry for what you are dealing with. I do like the advice. I will try to use it myself.