aja1245

hi, i just found your entry here as i was doing some research on mothers with NPD (Narcisstic Personality Disorder) and your entry really has me thinking that is why you have these conflicting feelings towards your mother.
Most likely you were the victim if invalidation which means you are feeling shame for having hateful emotions towards someone who is supposed to elicit loving emotions.
I too hate my mother and have felt ashamed for those feelings for years thinking something was wrong with me.
Yet I am able to love others but when it comes to her I am confused and conflicted.

Don't deny those feelings....after all why would a daughter choose to hate her mother???!!!?
Yet whenever i had the courage to admit those same feelings to someone they would look at me in horror like i was an evil person. I wanted more than anything to love and understand my mother but she only kept hurting me and abusing me in a way that was hard to convey to others on the outside.
You are not alone, I highly recommend visiting these websites: Daughters of Narcisstic Mothers and the Karyl McBride site

It had me in tears as I read my life story.
Search through the forums too, there is some really good info on invalidation that will bring you comfort.
Many times women with NPD also have symptoms of BPD.

Hope you have found people that are supportive of you outside of your family.
Mothers like yours take something from us we will always yearn for...the loving relationship we were supposed to have.
I hope you were able to tune out the others on here that responded in ignorance to your situation.