Terrible terrible Sister problem..please help..

ssda · 07-30-2009, 10:41 PM

Hello eveyone...
I have a sister who is 3 years older at 32 and she has a very strong personality..she knows what she wants, what she likes dislikes etc....we both are professionally accomplished and well settled in life (I am not bragging..just to give an idea).
I am the middle child of my family, so I was the one who had to go through cost cutting every stage of my life which obviously caused a lot of insecurities during my childhood. But being a parent now I am at peace with a lot of things except my sisters behavior towards me.

I used to idolize my sister, I thought she loved me too in return. But in recent years she has shown some kind of abusive behavior towards me. she doesnt like that our mom helps me out with my kids even though she doesn't need it. I don't know what to interpret of this..

She recently called me on phone when she got mad about something in my husband's behavior (which he later apologized for) and then insulted my husband's family by saying that he comes from a lower class family. I felt this was incredibly cruel of her to say and I haven't mentioned a word about this to my husband because I don't know how he'll react. It's eating me up inside.

She has previously insulted me indirectly and subtly on several occasions and i have chosen the high road of forgiving and forgetting. But this I feel has crossed the limits. We haven't spoked or met each other since then.

I am not really sure whether I want to cling onto this relationship when this is what she thinks of my husband who is really a nice man. And as always she has no intention of mending fences. If I want a relationship with her, I am the one who has to take the inititiative. This time I feel like I've just had enough. When I try to tell her escapades to my mom, she keeps quiet and does her best not to take sides. But I haven't even told my mom about her latest comment.
Did any of you go through similar dilemmas in life? Any kind of suggestions from a mom, sister or friend view is appreciated..
Since I am writing this at 12 midnight, you know that I am losing my sleep and a few hairs over this

Thank you for your time spent reading this...Have a good night.

**WildChild** · 07-30-2009, 11:10 PM

This is a toughie. Any idea why she feels such a need to disrespect your husband? It sounds like she has some insecurities and is trying to boost herself by tearing you down. You need to name her game to her. Naming something takes away its power, it brings the dark into the light. This a form of interrogator behavior, it is aggessive and negative.

She is plugging you into some sort of drama she is playing. You don't have to accept the role. When you talk with her, ask her why she feels a need to be so negative? Whenever she starts either walk away, change the subject, or if on the phone just say, I have to go now bye and hang up. Just don't let that stuff into your life.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 07-31-2009, 05:46 AM

Whilst it is usual that the older child gets more and the others get "second hand" due to affordability, it's does not necessarily mean that she/he received more love.

This was the case with my older brother and I but in today's terms he felt resentment the same as me, which confuses me, as i got all the hand me downs, sometimes parents can't express love until there are grandchildren involved and then, they express it well yet, the parent is wondering what happened when they were growing up.

Does your sister have children?

Or are you it....

Your Mother may be different to your grandkids as to what she was with you both, you accept that as you realise it was the times, your sister may still be resentful...

The fact that she is bringing "middle class/lower class/higher class" into the conversations shows that she has "chosen" to please her parents why?

She still hasn't realised that she can be herself and childhood is childhood.

She has resentment from her childhood, that you are un-aware of.

CW

ssda · 07-31-2009, 05:39 PM

Thank you Wildchild and Chandlers Wish for your replies.
To answer your questions, if you assess social status by ones relatives, then my husband has some bad seeds in his family. Maybe that’s a reason she feels the way she does. But if we are denigrating people based on their family, I too have bad things to say about my brother in law. But, since I am trying to maintain a relationship and NOT break one I choose my words carefully.
You are right WildChild, I feel like she’s trying to tear me down. Whenever something good happens to me I feel she’s just pretending to be happy about it on the outside. My husband had actually warned me once. Maybe I was in denial. He told me my sister does not care for me the way I do for her. He said that he felt like she doesn’t like me being friendly and having a good conversation with her friends when we are at a party. I thought he was being silly, but I can see it clearly now.
We live very close by and we share a lot of common friends. They all know about the tension between us, but don’t know exactly what.
Yes, my sister has two adorable kids..that’s one reason I want to have a relationship. Because I would like my kids to have a wonderful childhood and have memories of playing with their cousins. She has a full time nanny/maid to care for kids. So that’s the story..

ssda · 07-31-2009, 05:43 PM

Oh and I am going to try to name her game when she calls me next..

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 07-31-2009, 05:48 PM

So, your the bubbly out-going one whom your "mutual" friends love and she craves it? She has a Nanny and you don't? She probably has an un-loving husband and you don't?

Sounds more like a lot of jealousy going on to me, on her behalf.

Which has to stem from somewhere and is not your fault.

CW

ssda · 08-04-2009, 05:02 PM

It's funny you saying that my sister might be jealous of me...
She has a better career, salary, looks..everything..but I guess she's just unsatisfied with her life somehow and she's getting out her frustrations on me.
Maybe I was an easy target up until now..Next time (if) we talk I am going to suggest to her to get some help for anger management and not take it out on me.....

07-30-2009, 10:41 PM	#1
ssda Junior Member Join Date: Jul 2009 Posts: 8	Terrible terrible Sister problem..please help.. Hello eveyone... I have a sister who is 3 years older at 32 and she has a very strong personality..she knows what she wants, what she likes dislikes etc....we both are professionally accomplished and well settled in life (I am not bragging..just to give an idea). I am the middle child of my family, so I was the one who had to go through cost cutting every stage of my life which obviously caused a lot of insecurities during my childhood. But being a parent now I am at peace with a lot of things except my sisters behavior towards me. I used to idolize my sister, I thought she loved me too in return. But in recent years she has shown some kind of abusive behavior towards me. she doesnt like that our mom helps me out with my kids even though she doesn't need it. I don't know what to interpret of this.. She recently called me on phone when she got mad about something in my husband's behavior (which he later apologized for) and then insulted my husband's family by saying that he comes from a lower class family. I felt this was incredibly cruel of her to say and I haven't mentioned a word about this to my husband because I don't know how he'll react. It's eating me up inside. She has previously insulted me indirectly and subtly on several occasions and i have chosen the high road of forgiving and forgetting. But this I feel has crossed the limits. We haven't spoked or met each other since then. I am not really sure whether I want to cling onto this relationship when this is what she thinks of my husband who is really a nice man. And as always she has no intention of mending fences. If I want a relationship with her, I am the one who has to take the inititiative. This time I feel like I've just had enough. When I try to tell her escapades to my mom, she keeps quiet and does her best not to take sides. But I haven't even told my mom about her latest comment. Did any of you go through similar dilemmas in life? Any kind of suggestions from a mom, sister or friend view is appreciated.. Since I am writing this at 12 midnight, you know that I am losing my sleep and a few hairs over this Thank you for your time spent reading this...Have a good night.

07-31-2009, 05:46 AM	#3
CHANDLERS WISH WH Moderator Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: Australia Posts: 9,935 Blog Entries: 7	Whilst it is usual that the older child gets more and the others get "second hand" due to affordability, it's does not necessarily mean that she/he received more love. This was the case with my older brother and I but in today's terms he felt resentment the same as me, which confuses me, as i got all the hand me downs, sometimes parents can't express love until there are grandchildren involved and then, they express it well yet, the parent is wondering what happened when they were growing up. Does your sister have children? Or are you it.... Your Mother may be different to your grandkids as to what she was with you both, you accept that as you realise it was the times, your sister may still be resentful... The fact that she is bringing "middle class/lower class/higher class" into the conversations shows that she has "chosen" to please her parents why? She still hasn't realised that she can be herself and childhood is childhood. She has resentment from her childhood, that you are un-aware of. CW __________________ Do we not realise that in order to find a soul It doesn't happen over night if truth were to be told Like everything in life that's hard to achieve you must believe! Register! \| Rules/FAQ \| Contact Mod

07-31-2009, 05:48 PM	#6
CHANDLERS WISH WH Moderator Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: Australia Posts: 9,935 Blog Entries: 7	So, your the bubbly out-going one whom your "mutual" friends love and she craves it? She has a Nanny and you don't? She probably has an un-loving husband and you don't? Sounds more like a lot of jealousy going on to me, on her behalf. Which has to stem from somewhere and is not your fault. CW __________________ Do we not realise that in order to find a soul It doesn't happen over night if truth were to be told Like everything in life that's hard to achieve you must believe! Register! \| Rules/FAQ \| Contact Mod

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07-30-2009, 11:10 PM	#2
WildChild Gold Contributor 500+ Posts Join Date: Sep 2008 Location: Western USA Posts: 6,232 Blog Entries: 5	This is a toughie. Any idea why she feels such a need to disrespect your husband? It sounds like she has some insecurities and is trying to boost herself by tearing you down. You need to name her game to her. Naming something takes away its power, it brings the dark into the light. This a form of interrogator behavior, it is aggessive and negative. She is plugging you into some sort of drama she is playing. You don't have to accept the role. When you talk with her, ask her why she feels a need to be so negative? Whenever she starts either walk away, change the subject, or if on the phone just say, I have to go now bye and hang up. Just don't let that stuff into your life.

07-31-2009, 05:39 PM	#4
ssda Junior Member Join Date: Jul 2009 Posts: 8	Thank you Wildchild and Chandlers Wish for your replies. To answer your questions, if you assess social status by ones relatives, then my husband has some bad seeds in his family. Maybe that’s a reason she feels the way she does. But if we are denigrating people based on their family, I too have bad things to say about my brother in law. But, since I am trying to maintain a relationship and NOT break one I choose my words carefully. You are right WildChild, I feel like she’s trying to tear me down. Whenever something good happens to me I feel she’s just pretending to be happy about it on the outside. My husband had actually warned me once. Maybe I was in denial. He told me my sister does not care for me the way I do for her. He said that he felt like she doesn’t like me being friendly and having a good conversation with her friends when we are at a party. I thought he was being silly, but I can see it clearly now. We live very close by and we share a lot of common friends. They all know about the tension between us, but don’t know exactly what. Yes, my sister has two adorable kids..that’s one reason I want to have a relationship. Because I would like my kids to have a wonderful childhood and have memories of playing with their cousins. She has a full time nanny/maid to care for kids. So that’s the story..

07-31-2009, 05:43 PM	#5
ssda Junior Member Join Date: Jul 2009 Posts: 8	Oh and I am going to try to name her game when she calls me next..

08-04-2009, 05:02 PM	#7
ssda Junior Member Join Date: Jul 2009 Posts: 8	It's funny you saying that my sister might be jealous of me... She has a better career, salary, looks..everything..but I guess she's just unsatisfied with her life somehow and she's getting out her frustrations on me. Maybe I was an easy target up until now..Next time (if) we talk I am going to suggest to her to get some help for anger management and not take it out on me.....