A problem of male ego

Judomom · 08-06-2009, 07:17 AM

Hi to everyone, I'm new and I'm a mother of 42 and I've got a problem with my kids: I have a girl who is 16 and a boy who is 19. Since they were children I took them to Judo classes because I used to think that it could be useful for them and even a funny way to learn basic selfe denfense. The problem is that, since in the family we all have the same hobby, we used to have friendly matches between us and my son never accepted the fact that he get outwrestled simply because me and my daughter have better skills than him. I don't think that saying to his sister to let him win would be a good idea since it wouldn't be sporty, an athlete must learn to accept the defeats as well as a victory, but he becomes furious with it everytime. Of course I stopped to train with him but as long as his lil sister will challenge him, he will accept for his male ego and it will be always worse. I even told him to quit judo if it wasn't the best for him but he refused of course. What can I do about it?

**WildChild** · 08-06-2009, 08:03 AM

LOL at first glance I thought you had 42 children! That would be a problem! Do you have a teacher, a sensai? Let them deal with it. I'm not into this but have had a long association with people who are and at least in karate, part of the discipline is humility, attitude and appropriate use.

Judomom · 08-07-2009, 06:56 AM

Hahaha sorry for my imperfect english then

I told the sensei helping him with this...The problem is that the sensei is a woman too and I think that maybe the support of another man would be better; so I even asked to a friend of mine who is a judoka too to help him understand how to take a defeat in a martial art. Initially I was really hoping this could help him being a stronger man as an adult but I'm beginning to fear his reaction. At this age boys have very fragile egos.

**WildChild** · 08-07-2009, 07:06 AM

As I understand it and I think this is true of all sports, a good coach or Sensei, teaches graciousness in defeat. This is particularly true of martial arts. By this time your son should have learned great respect for Sensei. I know adult men in their 40s and 50s who have been in martial arts most of their lives and are highly repected, yet they defer their Sensei's with great respect.

It may be a good idea for your son to spend some time working with a good male instructor. He may the different approach and understanding that a mature male can impart.

Judomom · 08-07-2009, 07:55 AM

thanks for the suggestion wildchild, I'll do so.
I'll took him to another sensei (male) and I will ask my daughter not challenging him anymore for now, hoping she will listen to me...You know how sadistic can be little girls to get their revenge against the ones who were bullying brothers years before, lol.

Anyway thanks again

**WildChild** · 08-07-2009, 08:59 AM

Ideally they should both offer the same respect to every person of both genders. But each learns parts of the growth and learning process at different rates.

**Joy** · 08-07-2009, 10:15 AM

I have a friend she teaches akkido and she is very tiny and she can throw around men 3x's her size. I think getting him involved with a Male sensei is a great Idea. He must learn it is skill not gender that makes you great!

good luck

Judomom · 08-07-2009, 10:21 AM

Thanks Joy

Well I think he already learned this and that is what hurts more in him. Maybe I made a mistake allowing my kids to train together but I tought it was a funny way to develop their skills

**OG612** · 08-07-2009, 11:12 PM

As a white belt in Sambo back in 1997 or 1998, I beat my instructor in a match in class. He saw the way I would run through my opponents, who were supposedly much more skilled than I. We went almost the entire class before I choked him out. After he came to seconds later, he wanted me to show him the two-handed choke I had used.

Has your son ever played any other sports? How did he behave when he lost then?
Does he feel emasculated by losing to his little sister because "a girl shouldn't be able to beat up a boy?" Or is he just a poor loser? That might be something you have to consider.

Enter him in to a Judo tournament and see how well he does. If he wins, then chances are his sister is just more skilled than him. Just because you take the lessons and get a different color belt doesn't mean you know what you're doing.

OG

Judomom · 08-08-2009, 12:07 PM

I don't get what do you mean when you ask if he is a "poor loser". Anyway he got skills, but the ones his sister got are much better and maybe he feels emasculated for that reason. Maybe the teasing from his sister (once I caught her putting a foot on his chest after a match and teasing him verbally and of course I stopped her immediately...After all she's only 16 and you know how things get in siblings rivalry) made things worse. Anyway he will begin the train with the new master as soon as possible and I really hope this will help him dealing with it

thanks

08-06-2009, 07:17 AM	#1
Judomom Junior Member Join Date: Aug 2009 Posts: 7	A problem of male ego Hi to everyone, I'm new and I'm a mother of 42 and I've got a problem with my kids: I have a girl who is 16 and a boy who is 19. Since they were children I took them to Judo classes because I used to think that it could be useful for them and even a funny way to learn basic selfe denfense. The problem is that, since in the family we all have the same hobby, we used to have friendly matches between us and my son never accepted the fact that he get outwrestled simply because me and my daughter have better skills than him. I don't think that saying to his sister to let him win would be a good idea since it wouldn't be sporty, an athlete must learn to accept the defeats as well as a victory, but he becomes furious with it everytime. Of course I stopped to train with him but as long as his lil sister will challenge him, he will accept for his male ego and it will be always worse. I even told him to quit judo if it wasn't the best for him but he refused of course. What can I do about it?

08-07-2009, 11:12 PM	#9
OG612 Silver Contributor 100+ Posts Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: Twin Cities, MN Posts: 306	As a white belt in Sambo back in 1997 or 1998, I beat my instructor in a match in class. He saw the way I would run through my opponents, who were supposedly much more skilled than I. We went almost the entire class before I choked him out. After he came to seconds later, he wanted me to show him the two-handed choke I had used. Has your son ever played any other sports? How did he behave when he lost then? Does he feel emasculated by losing to his little sister because "a girl shouldn't be able to beat up a boy?" Or is he just a poor loser? That might be something you have to consider. Enter him in to a Judo tournament and see how well he does. If he wins, then chances are his sister is just more skilled than him. Just because you take the lessons and get a different color belt doesn't mean you know what you're doing. OG __________________ Through hypnosis, I create confident men and women to succeed in all facets of their lives. This place will soon get very interesting

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08-06-2009, 08:03 AM	#2
WildChild Gold Contributor 500+ Posts Join Date: Sep 2008 Location: Western USA Posts: 6,230 Blog Entries: 5	LOL at first glance I thought you had 42 children! That would be a problem! Do you have a teacher, a sensai? Let them deal with it. I'm not into this but have had a long association with people who are and at least in karate, part of the discipline is humility, attitude and appropriate use.

08-07-2009, 06:56 AM	#3
Judomom Junior Member Join Date: Aug 2009 Posts: 7	Hahaha sorry for my imperfect english then I told the sensei helping him with this...The problem is that the sensei is a woman too and I think that maybe the support of another man would be better; so I even asked to a friend of mine who is a judoka too to help him understand how to take a defeat in a martial art. Initially I was really hoping this could help him being a stronger man as an adult but I'm beginning to fear his reaction. At this age boys have very fragile egos.

08-07-2009, 07:06 AM	#4
WildChild Gold Contributor 500+ Posts Join Date: Sep 2008 Location: Western USA Posts: 6,230 Blog Entries: 5	As I understand it and I think this is true of all sports, a good coach or Sensei, teaches graciousness in defeat. This is particularly true of martial arts. By this time your son should have learned great respect for Sensei. I know adult men in their 40s and 50s who have been in martial arts most of their lives and are highly repected, yet they defer their Sensei's with great respect. It may be a good idea for your son to spend some time working with a good male instructor. He may the different approach and understanding that a mature male can impart.

08-07-2009, 07:55 AM	#5
Judomom Junior Member Join Date: Aug 2009 Posts: 7	thanks for the suggestion wildchild, I'll do so. I'll took him to another sensei (male) and I will ask my daughter not challenging him anymore for now, hoping she will listen to me...You know how sadistic can be little girls to get their revenge against the ones who were bullying brothers years before, lol. Anyway thanks again

08-07-2009, 08:59 AM	#6
WildChild Gold Contributor 500+ Posts Join Date: Sep 2008 Location: Western USA Posts: 6,230 Blog Entries: 5	Ideally they should both offer the same respect to every person of both genders. But each learns parts of the growth and learning process at different rates.

08-07-2009, 10:15 AM	#7
Joy Gold Contributor 500+ Posts Join Date: Jul 2008 Location: Canada Posts: 625 Blog Entries: 5	I have a friend she teaches akkido and she is very tiny and she can throw around men 3x's her size. I think getting him involved with a Male sensei is a great Idea. He must learn it is skill not gender that makes you great! good luck

08-07-2009, 10:21 AM	#8
Judomom Junior Member Join Date: Aug 2009 Posts: 7	Thanks Joy Well I think he already learned this and that is what hurts more in him. Maybe I made a mistake allowing my kids to train together but I tought it was a funny way to develop their skills

08-08-2009, 12:07 PM	#10
Judomom Junior Member Join Date: Aug 2009 Posts: 7	I don't get what do you mean when you ask if he is a "poor loser". Anyway he got skills, but the ones his sister got are much better and maybe he feels emasculated for that reason. Maybe the teasing from his sister (once I caught her putting a foot on his chest after a match and teasing him verbally and of course I stopped her immediately...After all she's only 16 and you know how things get in siblings rivalry) made things worse. Anyway he will begin the train with the new master as soon as possible and I really hope this will help him dealing with it thanks