Please tell me I'm doing the right thing.

**LanaBear** · 08-19-2009, 09:52 PM

This is a long story and I'll try to get to the point without drawing it out.

My sister is 28, an alcoholic and bulimic. She's been an alcoholic for probably 10 or so years, the bulimia came to light about 5 years ago. I've completely cut off all communication with her. She's a manipulative and thinks the world revolves around her.

Anyways, she's been in and out of probably a dozen rehabs, sober living homes, etc. My mom has spent an obscene amount of money on trying to get her sober. Bottom line, I don't think she has any desire to get sober, there have never been any repercussions for her actions, so why should she. She has a 6 year old daughter who she lost custody of a couple of years ago. My mom and the dad share custody of her. My mom WILL NOT move her back to the state she lives. If she were to be sober for 6 months, she would get supervised visitation of her daughter, she can't do it.

Fast forward to last summer, she's in yet another rehab in California, stays sober for the 28 days, gets out, moves into a sober living home. Gets back in touch with a guy she dated a few years prior. He's also in recovery and is genuinely a really nice guy. I can't think of one bad thing to say about him. So anyways, she ends up pregnant with his child. He's cool with it, wants to settle down, etc. She decides to fall off the wagon again and gets picked up by the cops at an apartment complex wearing nothing but a tank top. Keep in mind she knows she's pregnant, she gets taken to the hospital with a BAC of .385. Meanwhile, she is still bulimic and purging whenever she gets the chance.

My mom tells my sister that she doesn't support this and feels that she needs to give it up for adoption. My sister says she's fine with giving it up, but in the end decides to keep it. The baby was born in April and is THANKFULLY healthy. My mom told my sister time and time again, she couldn't raise another one of her kids, she wouldn't support her if she decided to keep the baby, etc.

Well, my mom called social services on my sister a few weeks ago. My mom lives on the east coast, sister in California, it was really her only option. Anyways, she called because sister was drinking and BREAST FEEDING!!! The father has been going over to where my sister lives trying to make things work, but has finally realized that he can't and still maintain his own recovery. He's been sober for over 3 years, but unfortunately has a felony on his record from an incident prior to him becoming sober. I'm not familiar with the laws in California, but my mom has been on the phone with DCFS and they state they will not give the baby to the father, who has full support of his family. But they are willing to let the baby stay with my idiot sister!! With conditions obviously.

However, they are trying to talk my mom into taking custody of the child. My mom can't, physically she can, yeah, but she just can't take it anymore. She's 49, has raised myself (I'll be 32 next week) and dealt with so much from my sister. She can't and I don't blame her.

Now, my husband and I had thought about taking custody of my niece before my mom took custody of her, but ended up not doing it. My heart is broken for this little baby, my nephew. We could take him in a hearbeat, we're financially stable, have plenty of room in our house, we have morals and are wonderful parents to our own two boys. I got my tubes tied in February because we decided if we wanted anymore kids, we would adopt. We've been blessed with two healthy boys and we could give a great life to a kid that deserves it.

My problem is, I don't want to take custody of this baby, when my sister is still in the picture. I don't want ANYTHING to do with her. I don't want my boys to get attached to this baby and have it be returned to her at some point in the future. Same with myself and DH. The baby's dad is going to try and get the baby as well, but they are telling him until the felony is off his record, in 10 months, no way. So that leaves foster care.

Like I said, my heart is so torn! I feel like I'm such a bad person for saying no to this little baby, who did not ask to be brought into a life like this. But I can't do it knowing this child could be given back to his parents, one or the other. I know my mom feel the same way.

This is a lot longer than I had hoped, but you get the point. It's been a long day on the phone. DCFS makes their decision on Friday about the baby.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 08-19-2009, 10:08 PM

Wait and see what DCFS says.

Raising a baby for say 12 months for him then to be taken away from you and from the boys who get to know him is alot different, than fostering a child that you perhaps get to spoil and love once a fortnight on weekends, or for a period of time. There you know what you are up against in your heart, soul and it's different, here you don't.

I am sure you feel horrible because he is your nephew.. Your own blood. But, I feel that you would take him in a heartbeat if they decided never to let the Mother have him and foster him out...

That's different.

You have a right to feel the way you do..

If they Foster him out and it's for good then apply...

If they don't and leave him with his Mother, and suggest that she will always be able to get him back, I see where your torn but I understand as well.

Hope it all gets sorted.

CW

**WildChild** · 08-19-2009, 10:14 PM

This is your nephew, why can't you foster him? Forget your sister, do what is best for the child.

**LanaBear** · 08-19-2009, 10:51 PM

I know I know. I'm still so much on the fence. I also don't live in the same state as my sister, so I'm not sure if that has any factor on the decision. I just got an e-mail from my mom asking me to get on a phone call with her and the social worker from CA tomorrow.

So we'll see...

Mrs Doodles · 08-20-2009, 07:13 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by WildChild

This is your nephew, why can't you foster him? Forget your sister, do what is best for the child.

I agree totally with you WildChild

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 08-20-2009, 07:46 AM

It depends... It is her nephew, she would foster him.. She is saying, that at anytime her sister can take that child back and she chose not to have any more but she loves children could either of you look after a child for 12 months only to lose him?

Think before you reply.

CW

**Ahryin** · 08-20-2009, 10:06 AM

Ok its not true that at anytime the mother can take the child back for one you have to realize the distructive path your sister is on. If you foster the child you can opt for adoption once you adopt the child the mother does not have any rights...how do I know this...my sister had my two neices taken away from her when she was younger. Now my sister is a great mother but at the time her mother (who was a drug addict) was living in the home. Her mother was dying and she didn't want to abandom her mother. My sister was just going through a lot, I was 17 and in college. None of us knew everything that was going on with her but one day I got the phone call. Mind you i'm 17 and in college at this time. My sister still doesn't know. They wanted me to take my nieces...I wasn't even legal! It was supposed to be on a temporary basis but I couldn't do it. I didn't want to leave college and I just knew I couldn't raise two girls.
When they told me it was on a temp basis I didn't know that meant if I didn't take them they could be lost in the system .... however thats basically what happened. They went to a foster mother and she then adopted them. My sister at first could have NO contact with them. Mind you she wasn't on drugs...she wasn't an alcoholic they took the kids away because he mother was on drugs and my sister refused to leave her dying mother. Her mother also had cancer.
So here we are 10yrs later and my sister barely speaks to the girls, and she had to fight for that. At first she could only see them while they were at dance class through a window with no contact. She has two more daughters since then and takes VERY good care of them. She has a stronger support system and she still can't get them back!

So here is what i'm saying...if your sister is actually on a distructive path, and you have the option to save that boy...save him! You don't want to be in my position years later wondering and upset. I realize now that it would have been hard but me taking my neices would have been much better for them. They are not happy with the woman they are with!
You don't want to risk loosing your nephew to someone who is not going to love him the way you would, who is not going to provide what you and your husband and boys will. Also it allows him to know your mother (his grandmother) and his own sister. The benefits far outway the negatives. You have enough proof on your side that she is unfit, and if she is as deranged as you say she isn't going to change anytime soon. As long as you keep up with the paperwork you do not have to deal with her

**Ahryin** · 08-20-2009, 10:10 AM

Oh ISH Lana!!! I didn't realize I was responding to your post! I just read the story and didn't realize it was you! Girl if you have questions or need further support I'm here for you girl!

**LanaBear** · 08-20-2009, 11:05 AM

Thanks ladies! I knew you would give me your honest opinions!

There is so much more to this story, that would take me days to divulge.

I think the dad's mom may try and take temp custody. According to the social worker, California is huge on doing everything they can to keep the baby with the birth mother. I have my own opinions on that, but whatever. Right now, it looks like they are leaning towards keeping the baby with my sister, but doing daily welfare checks and urine tests... The paternal grandma only lives maybe 10 minutes or so away from my sister and has been pretty involved with the baby since being born. The dad is really going to fight for custody, has a good job, etc. So we'll see.

I didn't even know the baby's name until about 3 weeks ago and have yet to actually even see a picture of him.

**Ahryin** · 08-20-2009, 11:29 AM

Ok...well then I understand but i'm worried that your sister will run. She seems to really like her freedom and tell me if i'm wrong but she feels trapped at times like she just has to get out whats the word clostrophobic (i'm a horrible speller)

08-19-2009, 09:52 PM	#1
LanaBear Gold Contributor 500+ Posts Moon Lander Champion! Join Date: Jul 2009 Location: A cozy little cottage on the moon. :-) Posts: 1,654 Blog Entries: 5	Please tell me I'm doing the right thing. This is a long story and I'll try to get to the point without drawing it out. My sister is 28, an alcoholic and bulimic. She's been an alcoholic for probably 10 or so years, the bulimia came to light about 5 years ago. I've completely cut off all communication with her. She's a manipulative and thinks the world revolves around her. Anyways, she's been in and out of probably a dozen rehabs, sober living homes, etc. My mom has spent an obscene amount of money on trying to get her sober. Bottom line, I don't think she has any desire to get sober, there have never been any repercussions for her actions, so why should she. She has a 6 year old daughter who she lost custody of a couple of years ago. My mom and the dad share custody of her. My mom WILL NOT move her back to the state she lives. If she were to be sober for 6 months, she would get supervised visitation of her daughter, she can't do it. Fast forward to last summer, she's in yet another rehab in California, stays sober for the 28 days, gets out, moves into a sober living home. Gets back in touch with a guy she dated a few years prior. He's also in recovery and is genuinely a really nice guy. I can't think of one bad thing to say about him. So anyways, she ends up pregnant with his child. He's cool with it, wants to settle down, etc. She decides to fall off the wagon again and gets picked up by the cops at an apartment complex wearing nothing but a tank top. Keep in mind she knows she's pregnant, she gets taken to the hospital with a BAC of .385. Meanwhile, she is still bulimic and purging whenever she gets the chance. My mom tells my sister that she doesn't support this and feels that she needs to give it up for adoption. My sister says she's fine with giving it up, but in the end decides to keep it. The baby was born in April and is THANKFULLY healthy. My mom told my sister time and time again, she couldn't raise another one of her kids, she wouldn't support her if she decided to keep the baby, etc. Well, my mom called social services on my sister a few weeks ago. My mom lives on the east coast, sister in California, it was really her only option. Anyways, she called because sister was drinking and BREAST FEEDING!!! The father has been going over to where my sister lives trying to make things work, but has finally realized that he can't and still maintain his own recovery. He's been sober for over 3 years, but unfortunately has a felony on his record from an incident prior to him becoming sober. I'm not familiar with the laws in California, but my mom has been on the phone with DCFS and they state they will not give the baby to the father, who has full support of his family. But they are willing to let the baby stay with my idiot sister!! With conditions obviously. However, they are trying to talk my mom into taking custody of the child. My mom can't, physically she can, yeah, but she just can't take it anymore. She's 49, has raised myself (I'll be 32 next week) and dealt with so much from my sister. She can't and I don't blame her. Now, my husband and I had thought about taking custody of my niece before my mom took custody of her, but ended up not doing it. My heart is broken for this little baby, my nephew. We could take him in a hearbeat, we're financially stable, have plenty of room in our house, we have morals and are wonderful parents to our own two boys. I got my tubes tied in February because we decided if we wanted anymore kids, we would adopt. We've been blessed with two healthy boys and we could give a great life to a kid that deserves it. My problem is, I don't want to take custody of this baby, when my sister is still in the picture. I don't want ANYTHING to do with her. I don't want my boys to get attached to this baby and have it be returned to her at some point in the future. Same with myself and DH. The baby's dad is going to try and get the baby as well, but they are telling him until the felony is off his record, in 10 months, no way. So that leaves foster care. Like I said, my heart is so torn! I feel like I'm such a bad person for saying no to this little baby, who did not ask to be brought into a life like this. But I can't do it knowing this child could be given back to his parents, one or the other. I know my mom feel the same way. This is a lot longer than I had hoped, but you get the point. It's been a long day on the phone. DCFS makes their decision on Friday about the baby. __________________ Sometimes life isn't the party we hoped for, but since we're here, we might as well DANCE!

08-19-2009, 10:08 PM	#2
CHANDLERS WISH WH Moderator Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: Australia Posts: 9,910 Blog Entries: 7	Wait and see what DCFS says. Raising a baby for say 12 months for him then to be taken away from you and from the boys who get to know him is alot different, than fostering a child that you perhaps get to spoil and love once a fortnight on weekends, or for a period of time. There you know what you are up against in your heart, soul and it's different, here you don't. I am sure you feel horrible because he is your nephew.. Your own blood. But, I feel that you would take him in a heartbeat if they decided never to let the Mother have him and foster him out... That's different. You have a right to feel the way you do.. If they Foster him out and it's for good then apply... If they don't and leave him with his Mother, and suggest that she will always be able to get him back, I see where your torn but I understand as well. Hope it all gets sorted. CW __________________ Do we not realise that in order to find a soul It doesn't happen over night if truth were to be told Like everything in life that's hard to achieve you must believe! Register! \| Rules/FAQ \| Contact Mod

08-19-2009, 10:14 PM	#3
WildChild Gold Contributor 500+ Posts Join Date: Sep 2008 Location: Western USA Posts: 6,229 Blog Entries: 5	This is your nephew, why can't you foster him? Forget your sister, do what is best for the child. __________________ We can only learn to love by loving. Iris Mudoch, British writer

08-19-2009, 10:51 PM	#4
LanaBear Gold Contributor 500+ Posts Moon Lander Champion! Join Date: Jul 2009 Location: A cozy little cottage on the moon. :-) Posts: 1,654 Blog Entries: 5	I know I know. I'm still so much on the fence. I also don't live in the same state as my sister, so I'm not sure if that has any factor on the decision. I just got an e-mail from my mom asking me to get on a phone call with her and the social worker from CA tomorrow. So we'll see... __________________ Sometimes life isn't the party we hoped for, but since we're here, we might as well DANCE!

08-20-2009, 07:46 AM	#6
CHANDLERS WISH WH Moderator Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: Australia Posts: 9,910 Blog Entries: 7	It depends... It is her nephew, she would foster him.. She is saying, that at anytime her sister can take that child back and she chose not to have any more but she loves children could either of you look after a child for 12 months only to lose him? Think before you reply. CW __________________ Do we not realise that in order to find a soul It doesn't happen over night if truth were to be told Like everything in life that's hard to achieve you must believe! Register! \| Rules/FAQ \| Contact Mod

08-20-2009, 10:06 AM	#7
Ahryin Gold Contributor 500+ Posts Join Date: Jul 2009 Location: NY Posts: 662 Blog Entries: 4	Ok its not true that at anytime the mother can take the child back for one you have to realize the distructive path your sister is on. If you foster the child you can opt for adoption once you adopt the child the mother does not have any rights...how do I know this...my sister had my two neices taken away from her when she was younger. Now my sister is a great mother but at the time her mother (who was a drug addict) was living in the home. Her mother was dying and she didn't want to abandom her mother. My sister was just going through a lot, I was 17 and in college. None of us knew everything that was going on with her but one day I got the phone call. Mind you i'm 17 and in college at this time. My sister still doesn't know. They wanted me to take my nieces...I wasn't even legal! It was supposed to be on a temporary basis but I couldn't do it. I didn't want to leave college and I just knew I couldn't raise two girls. When they told me it was on a temp basis I didn't know that meant if I didn't take them they could be lost in the system .... however thats basically what happened. They went to a foster mother and she then adopted them. My sister at first could have NO contact with them. Mind you she wasn't on drugs...she wasn't an alcoholic they took the kids away because he mother was on drugs and my sister refused to leave her dying mother. Her mother also had cancer. So here we are 10yrs later and my sister barely speaks to the girls, and she had to fight for that. At first she could only see them while they were at dance class through a window with no contact. She has two more daughters since then and takes VERY good care of them. She has a stronger support system and she still can't get them back! So here is what i'm saying...if your sister is actually on a distructive path, and you have the option to save that boy...save him! You don't want to be in my position years later wondering and upset. I realize now that it would have been hard but me taking my neices would have been much better for them. They are not happy with the woman they are with! You don't want to risk loosing your nephew to someone who is not going to love him the way you would, who is not going to provide what you and your husband and boys will. Also it allows him to know your mother (his grandmother) and his own sister. The benefits far outway the negatives. You have enough proof on your side that she is unfit, and if she is as deranged as you say she isn't going to change anytime soon. As long as you keep up with the paperwork you do not have to deal with her __________________ Everything I'm not makes me Everything I am

08-20-2009, 10:10 AM	#8
Ahryin Gold Contributor 500+ Posts Join Date: Jul 2009 Location: NY Posts: 662 Blog Entries: 4	Oh ISH Lana!!! I didn't realize I was responding to your post! I just read the story and didn't realize it was you! Girl if you have questions or need further support I'm here for you girl! __________________ Everything I'm not makes me Everything I am

08-20-2009, 11:05 AM	#9
LanaBear Gold Contributor 500+ Posts Moon Lander Champion! Join Date: Jul 2009 Location: A cozy little cottage on the moon. :-) Posts: 1,654 Blog Entries: 5	Thanks ladies! I knew you would give me your honest opinions! There is so much more to this story, that would take me days to divulge. I think the dad's mom may try and take temp custody. According to the social worker, California is huge on doing everything they can to keep the baby with the birth mother. I have my own opinions on that, but whatever. Right now, it looks like they are leaning towards keeping the baby with my sister, but doing daily welfare checks and urine tests... The paternal grandma only lives maybe 10 minutes or so away from my sister and has been pretty involved with the baby since being born. The dad is really going to fight for custody, has a good job, etc. So we'll see. I didn't even know the baby's name until about 3 weeks ago and have yet to actually even see a picture of him. __________________ Sometimes life isn't the party we hoped for, but since we're here, we might as well DANCE!

08-20-2009, 11:29 AM	#10
Ahryin Gold Contributor 500+ Posts Join Date: Jul 2009 Location: NY Posts: 662 Blog Entries: 4	Ok...well then I understand but i'm worried that your sister will run. She seems to really like her freedom and tell me if i'm wrong but she feels trapped at times like she just has to get out whats the word clostrophobic (i'm a horrible speller) __________________ Everything I'm not makes me Everything I am

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