despero

I love my mother dearly. Our father passed away almost 12 years ago now. Mom was with him since she was 16. They had almost made their 40th wedding anniversary when he passed. It was very tough on all of us, but mom has never really moved on. And through the years, she's gotten worse. She'll be 68 next week, but she acts like she's 90 sometimes. She's gained weight, and complains about it constantly, but refuses to do anything about it. She sleeps A LOT, she doesn't go out much. I try to talk to her, movtivate her, but nothing is working. Since I had my son, she's gotten a little better, but not much. She can't do a whole lot because she gets winded so easily. (she smokes a ton too) We were just by my brothers a few weekends ago, and went for a short walk to the beach, and she couldn't make it. Her legs and hips bother her, and I know that some of that is because of her weight. She's never been this heavy, outside of when she was pregnant with me and my brother.
But I've tried giving her suggestions on things to try, as far as exercise goes, and she shoots every single one down for one reason or another. She has a friend that does water aerobics, I told her to go with her...well, she doesn't want to be seen in a bathing suite, and as she put it "i've been forced to do things I don't want to my whole life, so I'm not doing that anymore" Um....ok.......I told her to take her dog, find a nice park, and go for a leisurely stroll. Her response: "I can't walk, can't even walk around a store, my legs hurt...."etc. I told her thats the purpose of a leisurely walk...if she gets tired, stop, sit down. But she just doesn't want to do anything except and moan about everything. I just don't know what to do. I know if she lost weight, she'd feel a lot better, and some of her pain would go away. But I don't know how to light the fire under her butt! I also don't want to see her slip into a complete depression, as she's been on the edge for a long time. Oh, and forget counceling....tried bringing that one up, and thats a no go either. I'm out of ideas!!!

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CHANDLERS WISH

Maybe, get her involved more with your son, so that she has to run around abit with him even though he's probably only crawling but she'll still be bending and smiling and giving herself something back.

12 years is a long time to carry after 40 years together, I guess she never got used to be alone and can't budge this now.

Could she also have athritis? She seems to complain about her legs and for sure sleeping lots and not walking will weight them down but maybe treat her to a foot massage, see if it helps her..

Is there a book you can buy, after googling away about someone simular who got out of it that she may read, without her knowing, just by leaving it on a table pretending your reading it for instance.

It's a touch one, that's all I've got hun.

CW

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sourpuss

The weight isn't her problem, it's a symptom of her depression that she isn't dealing with. She needs to see a doctor and get into some sort of therapy and find out how to get her out of the funk that she's in.
When her head is right then going for a walk won't seem like such a mountainous task. She may even want to walk and may even enjoy it.
The only problem is, when people have these kinds of problems, they can only help themselves and only if they really want to. No amount of urging from you is going to make her pick up the phone and call a counselor. She has to want to not live like she is any more.

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despero

She does play with my son when she sees him. It isn't too often tho, once every week or two. (She lives about an hour away) I have thought about looking into some books for her...something motivational.

I agree 100% But I've tried talking to her about therapy of some sort, she just won't budge on it. She is a VERY stubborn woman. She feels that she should be able to fix herself.....which, in a way, I agree. I just happen to think that someone can maybe HELP her fix herself.

I never looked at it that way, but you are totally right. EVERYTHING is a mountainous task for her right now. Going to the store, cleaning her house....

She tells me that she wants to change. I tell her she's way too negative about everything, and she agrees. Says she's trying to be more positive. But I really don't believe that. I really want to help her, but you're right, I can't help her if she won't help herself.

Her birthday is next Weds. so my brother has talked to a personal trainer that will come to her house, for a half hour a week for 4 weeks. Thats what he wants to give her, as she won't leave the house to join a gym or anything. I told him I'm a little apprehensive about it, and not sure how mom will react to it. It could go either way. I'm hoping it goes well. My brother will be there for the first session, to make sure everything is ok. Might have him come for the others as well, just to be on the safe side. I think it would be good for her. But who knows how she'll be about it. I thought about getting her some of those senior workout dvds, something more along the lines of what she can do. We'll see.

I think she does have a touch of arthritis, but her knees have always been bad. Again, I've tried to tell her to see a doc about it.....she won't go.

I just hate to see her this way. I know she can be a lot happier.

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Kallygirlie

Ok, look up grief support online. there are sooooo many things out there. Does she use the computer. After I lost my Mom last yr, I gained 45lbs (biggest I've ever been) and barely left the house. I didn't want to face people who wanted to pitty me. I still have really really bad days and I know I'm clinically depressed but online grief support groups have helped. I to complained about my weight but never did anything about it. I've always had bad anckles and since I've gained weight they've gotten worse to the point it does hurt to walk. I sprain my right ankle at least once a month now. Once I got help with the grief I started finding my motivation. Its not going to happen overnight but I think she needs to talk to peopl who understand. Talking to people who lost a parent to cancer really helped me. Maybe she needs to speak with other widows. they would be seen as friends and not professional help. I never went to therapy because I felt it would make me look crazy

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anlasmas

I lost my Mom last yr, I gained 45lbs (biggest I've ever been) and barely left the house. I didn't want to face people who wanted to pitty me. I still have really really bad days and I know I'm clinically depressed but online grief support groups have helped. I to complained about my weight but never did anything about it.

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KMonte85

it is SO hard getting people to change if they themselves will not take the first step towards change. You really cannot motivate your mother until she is ready... as terrible as that sounds!

My SIL is quite the same.. she lost within a 6mo period a brother and his two children all to suicide. She doubled her weight, will barely get out of her pajamas, let alone get out of the house for fresh air and exercise. She smokes at least a pack of cigs a day. She says she needs to change, but refuses to go get the help she needs. It is a never-ending cycle of depression, self-loathing, self-pitying, more depression, and repeat.

It is so sad to watch, but there is nothing that can be done until she makes the conscious decision to make that first move. She knows she has to do it, and she knows we are all there for her, love her, and will be there to support her and help her if/when she makes the decision to change her life. Until then, we wait.

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