auntie2nice

I need some advice. My husband and I have been married for 25 years. We have 2 sons, 24 and 21. We have a nephew, his brother's son, John, who is 25. When our sons were younger, our nephew were the only children in the family. As they grew older, they remained close. We moved to a larger house about 10 years ago. Since our home is closer to our nephew's house, he is here all the time. We needed him one day to come to the house when no one was home to turn off alarm and wait for a repairman for us. Since then, comes over whenever he wants and turns off the alarm He only works a few hours a day and comes straight to our house.
Since I have been unemployed in December, I go out with my younger son on his days off from college. When we return home, we find John in our house, watching TV and on our laptops, making himself at home. He even helps himself to whatever he wants in the fridge/cabinets. He doesn't think anything of it either. John still lives at home with his parents just like our sons. His parents do not spend any time with him. It drives me nuts!!!My husband and I are very close with our sons and are always together. We go out for dinner every Friday night. Our older son is 24 and has a girlfriend now. He goes out with her on most Friday nights that she is not working, If not, he comes out with my husband, myself and his brother. John just happens to come over EVERY Friday night by the time my husband gets home, knowing that we go out. One night he was running late and actually called my husband to see if we left to go out and eat yet!!! I guess he doesn't care that I have been out of work for almost a year and my husband is the only
My husband and John's father own two family businesses. They close both stores for one week in the summer for vacation. My husband, myself and our sons always enjoy our family vacation together. Up until 6 years ago, we always had one room and shared with our sons. Now that they are older, we all needed our privacy and started getting two rooms for the week. My nephew wanted to stay with us even though his parents are on the same vacation in another hotel down the street. He stays with us the whole week. That includes my husband paying for his breakfast, lunch and dinner all week. About 5 years ago, when we were on vacation, we decided to look for a larger place to stay. We found a townhouse with 3 big bedrooms that cost $2200 for the week. Of course, John stays with us again for the week, same thing. His parents do not even give us money toward the townhouse where their own stays with us. They do not spend anytime with their own son. He is with us the whole time.
When I say anything to my husband, he always says, he is family. I know he is, but he is taking advantage of his uncle and aunt. To make things worse, I have been unemployed since December and my husband is the only one working. John's father never takes him out on a Friday night. I feel like we cannot have a nice family dinner and talk with John around. Why should we have to pay for him every week for dinner? He just orders what he wants and doesn't think twice about it. His father never takes my sons out for dinner, even on vacation, where his son is freeloading off of us all week!
It is now football season and John is here all weekend. His father will call him here all day Sunday, looking for scores and times of the games. His father is across the street at his neighbor's all day and is calling his son on our phone all day!! It makes me mad that he does not want to spend a Sunday with his own son watching football. It is such a strange relationship. I don't know if I am just being selfish or what. Why should we have to entertain John when he has two parents who should be spending time with him. We always make the time to spend time with our sons. I really need some advice on how to handle this situation. He is my husband's nephew and I have no place to say anything. My husband thinks nothing of this and says he is family. I do not think this is how a 25 year old should be. He should either be spending time with his own family, get a girlfriend or hang out with his friends more often. I do not think we should be the ones responsible for his entertainment, food and vacations! Please help!! What do I do???

moonisis

Lock the door and change the alarm code.

Has anyone tried saying "we have to talk about family issues, you need to go home" when he's just there?

If you change the alarm code and keep the door locked and he knocks, don't answer? oof....

sperosi

i agree with moonsis, but you do need to tell him that he is making you uncomfortable always just being there and letting himself in at will.

OhThereYouAre

This is a tough issue.

Sounds like your husband has a good grasp on it.

He IS family.

Is he a good kid otherwise? Your sons must enjoy his company if he is around so much.

I'd say let it go. Do you want to cause a rift in the family, or make a lonely individual unhappy for the sake of a few hundred bucks?

I'm not saying that it's okay what he does. I'm just debating on whether a course of action will cause more harm than good.

Just my .02.

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WildChild

This is a balancing act. Your sons and your nephew are adults it sounds like all three are still pretty tied to the apron strings. Having a close family is wonderful and we could use more of it but there need to be limits. Your concerns have as much or more to do with the nephew's family as with him.

Change the alarm code. As a security matter that should probably be done every couple years anyway. Tell him you love him and he welcome in your home, but not when there is no one there. It does sound like he is looking for a connection that he doesn't have with his parents and needs. It's great that he feels he has that with you.

Sounds like you are in kind of a rut, why not start varying things? You and your husband should go out just the two of you at least once a month. Suggest to the young men that they all go out to a movie or for pizza or something? I assume they are all employed at some level and can afford to spend a few bucks on themselves? Start quietly getting all of them to help out, at 24 and 25 young people should be either on their own on contributing to the household.

With the sports stuff why not suggest to these men folk that they start taking turns watching at different houses. Have the BIL and nephew watch at your house one time and say so we'll watch at your house next weekend? See you at game time! Start mixing things up and creating some change?

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sexybabe

I understand where you're coming from. But I also think that John is just looking for some love and attention. Obviously, he is being neglected by his own parents and it seems that he hangs out with you guys most of the time because he feels 'at home'. I'm sure he just feels welcome in your house and never meant to be a nuisance.

Your husband says that it's alright because John is family. And since it's just your husband who is working, as long as he is still able to provide a comfortable life for the family, then I don't see how sharing a few blessings with a neglected nephew could be so bad. If your husband ends up sacrificing things or providing less for the family to accommodate John, then I think that's when you should sit down and have a serious talk with your husband. But while John doesn't seem to have a good sense of boundary, he is also not doing anything wrong. I'm not saying that you don't have the right to feel the way that you do, but think about how shooing him away would hurt his feelings and cause a strain in your relationship with his parents. You and your husband are great parents, spending time with your sons whenever possible. John is not as fortunate as your boys and maybe it's NOT your responsibility to entertainor feed him, but by being so loving and generous, you are actually making someone happy