marion

Im having trouble resisting cutting off all ties with my family. Im 31 and this certainly isn't a new thought.
We've always been a troubled and often violent family. I first left home at 17 and swore I'd never see them again then. I decided to leave all the negativity behind me and was the first one in my family to go to university. I worked waitressing jobs and pulling beers to pay my own way through uni and to pay rent and feed myself. My parents were disappointed that I worked in a bar and never offered to help me financially with my education, so I'd have no choice but to return home. It didn’t work. It just made my life a lot more difficult to sustain and made me feel abandoned and manipulated. I managed to stay afloat financially and didn't have to return home even though my twenties were emotionally very troubled.
There had been incidents of sexual, physical and mental abuse that were never resolved or addressed in my family and when I confronted my parents on our wreck of a family much later in life, ( I was 27) they were both shocked at my distress and anguish over our dysfunctional and abusive family. Admittedly, things improved in our communications in the last couple of years, but always with forced and contrived effort.
My family was recently faced with a major upheaval. It was not long after my father was diagnosed with a cancerous tumor in his chest and underwent major surgery to have it removed. My volatile family pulled together and we held a vigil at the hospital for 5 days and nights. I took time off to take care of him and assist and translate (he doesn't speak English) for all his appointments to his oncologists and doctors. It was a very stressful time as I'm in my final year of my diploma that Id return to complete, and I was struggling to keep up with my own work, again. It was hard to tell my father what the doctors were telling me, "cancer", and found the whole situation very confronting but I was proud that my family pulled together under the pressure and dads health improved by the day, but his mood darkened...

My father came out of the surgery with a clean bill of health but he was very depressed after, and as he had always already been a rather sad/destructive character, his behavior gradually developed into out right madness.
A couple of months after the surgery, my father went into a police station and reported that my mother and brother had threatened to kill him. He told them he wanted them both arrested and removed from 'his' house. The police arrested my brother for 'threatening to kill' and took my mother in for questioning. She doesn't speak english either. A translator was never arranged and I was finally called at midnight to pick my family up from the police station. There hadn't even been a disagreement from the time of the surgery, up until this point between my family. We all celebrated his birthday the very week before. I spent the last $120 in my bank to buy him a really nice aftershave. I thought it would make him happy. Idiot. Every thing was smooth sailing, and then he pulled this!
At home that night, my father denies any wrongdoing or even recollection of his accusations but declared he'd had enough of this family and wanted a divorce. My brother was still in custody at the time as my father refused to withdraw his statement. It was all very confusing and he kept crying and talking incoherently. I was angry at his weakness and stupidity and left. I thought he was being ridiculously dramatic and selfish. I was embarrassed and ashamed. I was angry he couldn't just stay 'happy' after all the work our family had put in to make him feel better and loved and taken care of. But I was angrier that he'd falsely turn in members of his own family, completely unprovoked. Again with the manipulation, but on a much grander scale. From there it got worse. Mum moved in with my sister. He took his 'threat to kill' case all the way to court were he made no sense, was aggressive and cried and ranted before the judge. The case was dismissed and my brother was relesed after spending a week in jail for literally, nothing. My father was ordered out of the family home so my mother could move back in. She got a restraining order against him. I had to translate for all of that too...
So, a year on, he's now in Europe where he's come into a fair bit of money from a family investment. He kept in contact with my mother, good or bad, everyday since he left the country and convinced her to come see him... Now, mother has just arrived after spending three months with him. I begged her not to go and told her i felt it wasn't safe for her to go on her own. I volunteered to escort her but she said she wanted to go alone and secure herself and her children financially before he blew it all. He raised us very poor, almost loosing our home in a game of cards and drinking the mortgage money my mum washed dishes to save.
It seems unfair that he is recklessly eating through all of our inheritance and isn't taking care of his wife of 40 years, financially at all. She who worked so hard to keep us feed and a roof over out heads, because he Refused to work, ever, during their entire 40 year marriage.
She tells me bluntly on her return, that he's definitely suicidal, still crying daily and acting very strange and possessive, aggressive. "Quite unwell" she said, coldly. He has however, spent $120,000 in the three months hes been there, with nothing to show for it. He sent my mum home with a very small amount of cash and told her he didn’t have anymore and to come back next summer.
My dilemma is, I know he has a of a lot more. He’s been saying that he "...wants to go out with a bang!" and word has reached me through family over in Europe that he’s been openly spending it on prostitutes and cocaine and a new group of twenty something kids he's befriended.?! He’s been heard saying that he wants a new young virgin bride and he has no family anymore. He's drinking and alone. (He's an insulin dependent diabetic, so thats more dangerous then it sounds). He’s not seeing any doctors.
I've not spoken to him. He called me only once to ask me if I felt that he was far enough away for my liking yet? "Why don't you just send me to the moon, maybe that would be far enough for you?" I asked if he was happy there, " No, Im not. No one calls me dad anymore" he said. Then hung up.

So what to do?

Do I get on a plane and confront him? Nurture him? Take him to a doctor or a psychiatrist? And what if he is 'sick'? Do I take MORE time away from my beautiful and long suffering, completely well adjusted partner and out of my blooming career, that I’ve worked soooooo hard to establish despite constant family harassment, to go and take care of him? Again?! Do I even like him enough for that? Is it greedy to feel entitled to the comfortable life my father never provided us growing up, now that he can afford to do it? Aren’t I old enough to take care of myself? Does he OWE me something or do I just cut off all ties, emotionally and financially to save my sanity? He seems to want a clean break. I’m pretty poor at the moment. I've just managed to finally finish my degree after dropping out and getting completely lost in my twenties. I am now just about ready to start my own business. I could really use the funds to kick start the rest of my life. A very small percent of this new money could save partner and I years of hard work, and we'd both love to be able to afford children and a home. Remember, I’m 31.
Don't I deserve this? After working my off and paying my own way through life since I was 10? Schooling, travel, clothes, rent, my first car was all my responsibility. If I wanted those things I had to provide for myself. Neither of my parents ever made me feel financially or emotionally protected, stable or safe. Now that he has money, enough to take care of all of us, he's dropped the baby and run? My mother’s home is practically dilapidated. What is going on??? I'm Very confused... I'd appreciate any honest feedback or advice. To jump ship, cut all ties, put it all behind me, and pave my own way OR to stand up and claim my birthright but be in for a of a lot of emotional turmoil and more crazy family stuff?- Kelly

WildChild

My first impulse is to say cut ties and go your own way. I'm not clear how your family survived for 40 years without him working but you are making your own way and would do so more easily if you didn't keep interupting the flow with family issues. However, it is likely that you start to see success you will be beset upon by family looking to you to support them. Does your mother have any retirement fund, are your siblings self supporting?

How would you get money from your father. Dealing with this kind of stuff across international lines can get tricky. It sounds like you've done and given all you can, focus on your life for a while.

__________________
We can only learn to love by loving.

Iris Mudoch, British writer

PJhavinfunagain

Personally I would write off dad. Concentrate on you then maybe building a better relationship with mom and brother.

__________________
"When one door closes, another opens. But we often look so regretfully upon the closed door that we don't see the one that has opened for us."
Helen Keller

sperosi

he has decided it for you. he is on a destructive path that you will probably not be able to stop.

just worry about you and your SO and the rest of your family. we can't save everyone.

caterpillar79

I agree with all the above posts. But please work on having a more forgiving heart as well. In some cases, the people in our family that we don't like are the exact same ones we become whether we like it or not. You can be better though because you identified it early in life. I think you're on your way to make a difference.

__________________
Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass, but learning how to dance in the rain.

marion

Thank you all for taking the time to reply.

Wildchild- My mother or my brother had no money what so ever as he cleared their joint account when he left. My sister and I chipped in to tide them over. My sister paid for mums ticket overseas without my knowledge... I guess she wanted them to have a chance to work it out and knew I felt it was unsafe. Or she wanted money, I dont know for sure. We dont speak much these days.

He has however since 'reimbursed' my mother and apparently 'spoilt' her the whole time she was with him in europe with gifts. He let her pick out the furniture for his new apartment. I think he's setting it up so when he's finished living the high life, he'll have a soft place to fall. She doesn't seem to mind seeing him for a couple of months every year as long as she sees some money at the end of it. Its hard to openly admit that, but I fear in my heart its true. She always said openly that she never loved my dad and he was a hindrance to her life, but never left him.

It seems the general verdict is to cut him off. I though about what this would mean if somebody looked back on my life and asked, why didn't she go see him for herself?
Cut him off... My father? Without ever knowing why? Why he suddenly turned on his family of 40 years when things were finally going so well? Was it the money? Did he panic? Could he really be that selfish?
I've heard its not uncommon for people to suffer mental 'disruptions' after major surgeries. Its chemical, apparently. Is is being uneducated and ignorant to 'cut off' a man who may be having a nervous breakdown? I know he's been an insufficient provider and father to his kids but gradually over the last 5 years, he had become a more peaceful man. His gambling and drinking days where behind him. He even quit a 45 year smoking habit when he was diagnosed. I hear he's smoking heavily again. What if its not personal at all? What if my dad is going nuts and we're all too proud to help? He's talking openly about suicide. What if he kills himself? Ill never know... This daily crying stuff is totally new. I'd only ever seen my dad cry once, when his father passed away. They had a troubled relationship too...
My relationship with my mother has never been stable. Shes closer to my sister, and my brother's a mothers boy. I guess it was dad and me that where closest, and since my last outburst seem to improve our familys condition last time, I almost feel as if they are looking at me again to 'fix' things with dad again. I must admit, Im feeling totally left out of the loop with whats going on. Im not told much even though my mother speaks to him daily. Shes being secretive and coy. Maybe its just us, his children he wants to divorce? Mums being cold and unfamiliar. She seems like she almost wants him to suicide. Why didnt she take him to a doctor once during the three months he was there??? I dont get it. Or do I?
I feel responsible cause he reaches out to me. I got the call to pick him up from the police station and he called me 10 times everyday when he was removed from his home. I never answered.... I was so angry with him. I knew he was staying with a friend and was safe, even though he'd call my mum and say he's sleeping in his car. He's upset with me for never answering his call when he was in need. He doesn't know that I knew where he was staying. I think I need him to know that. Maybe he really needs to know he's loved right now. Maybe not.
I think Im going to give myself three weeks to see how things unravel. A lot can change in that time. My mums given me some money that dad sent over. I might have to use it for a ticket overseas to see for myself. Get closure. Or I might find that closure on a beach in Fiji with my partner. Im confident the answer will reveal itself over the next few weeks.

I guess I really just want to feel out what is 'socially' the norm here? Is is unusual to want to 'divorce' your entire family? Do other people feel this way? Does that damage a person in the long run? Are we meant to take up these challenges and in the process make our family 'better'? Is THAT potentially damaging, in the long run?

As you can see, Im still as confused as yesterday... But thank you all for your imput. I sincerely appreciate it and Im touched you'd take the time to read my endless ranting and offer me advice.- Kelly

WildChild

It's a tough call and you have to do what is best for you. You don't to look back in regret when your parents are gone. But at the same time they are adults and choose their responses to life. I think you are right that a little time may show you more clearly what is best.

__________________
We can only learn to love by loving.

Iris Mudoch, British writer

marion

Thanks Wildchild. Appreciate it.