Stopping the presents at Christmas???

**KMonte85** · 11-04-2009, 07:53 AM

Question!

My family gets together every Christmas, to enjoy each other's company, eat a great homecooked meal, and celebrate the season. It is a great time as we don't get to see each other so much otherwise.

The problem is that my brother, his wife, and their two grown children are all very, VERY stupid with money. They are all broke, owe thousands of dollars to family and friends, can never pay the mortgage or rent, are on food stamps, etc. and every year they spends hundreds, if not thousands, of dollars on gifts for the family. It is ridiculous because they probably had to borrow that money (putting themselves even MORE in debt) to purchase the gifts.

It has gotten so bad, by the time they've set their presents for the family under the tree, you can't even see the tree anymore. Its BURIED. The rest of us appreciate the thought, but we hate seeing the wastefulness. We don't WANT the gifts, (most of which are pretty thoughtless anyway like candles, lotions, crystal vases... not very personal type stuff). Secondly, we don't like spending that kind of money to reciprocate the gifting. But if we don't, then it seems like my brother's family looks at us like we are stingy/cheap/scrooges.

Our parents have asked my brother to not do presents at all. We have all agreed we will not do presents and just enjoy our time together. My parents don't buy presents, I don't buy presents, and then my brother and his family show up with a truckload of presents for us.

We've asked to set a dollar amount limit for gifts for each person, like $40 each, TOPS. I follow the limit for each person, my parents do the same, and then I get $300 worth of candles, lotion, and other novelties from my brother's family.

Tis the season to start thinking about this conundrum again! What in the world do I do with these people?! They just don't get it! And our father is getting pretty irrated since my brother, his wife, and the kids ALL owe him a couple thousand dollars that he never gets paid, but they have money for all these gifts! It makes our Christmas celebration less enjoyable and kind of stressful when "present" time arrives - which is the OPPOSITE of what should be happening!

How do I get my brother and his family to stop with the gifting over-kill and just enjoy the family's company and the food?! Any suggestions are completely welcome!

**happy ending** · 11-04-2009, 08:08 AM

maybe you could explain to them, like you have explained it to us. times are hard. wasting money on carp, just makes the shops happy and has none of the real true meaning of christmas!

**WildChild** · 11-04-2009, 08:32 AM

First have that tough talk and explain that their gift giving under the circumstances is not a good idea. Then just say flat out No Presents. There will be No gift giving time as a group. Let each family unit do what they wish amongst themselves. This may be hard but if they show up with gifts - refuse them, stating, "Your presence is gift enough." If you can hold firm as a group and still be gracious they may get it.

Other options might be to have a drawing, put all the names in a box, everyone gets one person and one only that they give a gift to, then require that the gift be homemade; bake, sew, draw, create a music cd, make something - no store bought gifts.

**KMonte85** · 11-04-2009, 09:03 AM

Our parents have sat my brother and his wife down and told him flat out no gifts because it is more if a hinderance than anything during a happy time, to which they have agreed.

But then it's like they can't help themselves but to go to walmart through the pre-packaged giftset and buy 5 different for each person in the family! All the while, we're still under the impression that "no gifts!" means "NO FLIPPING GIFTS!" so there again makes an awkward situation where I sit up to my neck in coffee sets and candles, and they have nothing.

Have you ever seen kids get so many gifts that they actually get bored ripping the wrapping paper and opening the boxes to see what they were given? Sounds impossible, right? I've seen it first hand. Every Christmas.

It would be one thing if they were rolling in dough, but.....

I do like the drawing idea, not sure if I will get them to do the homemade thing, but at least it might decrease the amount of gifts they buy and give to everybody to a more reasonable quantity! But again, they might just agree to it and then do what they want when they hit the Walmart aisles anyway! But it is worth a shot.. its at least one thing we haven't tried yet!

I really don't want to hurt their feelings either! No one wants to be told "dont buy me anything because you're broke and cant afford it!" I think their hearts are in the right spot, but they are over-compensating for something!

**WildChild** · 11-04-2009, 09:08 AM

Another option - family gifts rather than for individuals. Something the entire family can use like a board game or a movie.

**happy ending** · 11-04-2009, 09:23 PM

i dont know if they are overcompensating, its more like they are trying to make the rest of you look bad - like we are so generous and giving even though we have no money. its almost like they are trying to guilt you all.

**KMonte85** · 11-05-2009, 07:21 AM

Thats how I feel when I get ump-teen presents from them and I've given them each something nice, but in moderation!

Its like, oh.. so now I'm the cheapo douchebag now. Sweet.

but I've got bills too, and I'm not going to drown myself in debt so that I can buy them each 18 different pieces of that they will lose, donate to charity, or completely forget about elsewise...

It just kinda puts a damper on Christmas. When in the world did it become ok to commercialize the season so much? ITS NOT ABOUT THE GIFTS! Blah.

**happy ending** · 11-06-2009, 04:29 AM

yes its like they are showing off, look we are so much more giving, generous etc especially as you have asked them not to give gifts. the gifts they give sound like they have had no thought what soever put into them. when i dont really want to buy someone a gift but basically have to those are the sort of gifts i get them. you know cheap gift sets.

**KMonte85** · 11-06-2009, 08:58 AM

I'm going to suggest the drawing idea, but not sure that they will actually follow through.

I guess probably the best thing I can do is stick to my guns and the plan we had for gifting. and if they come with a dumptruck full of presents again, so be it. its so sad to see them waste that money on mountains of thoughtless gifts. Sooooooo wasteful, especially when they are so hard up financially anyway. And I will try to get others in the family to take the same mindset, even if it is aggravating! "Bite your tongue, its only a few hours out of the year....."

And I'm not going to worry that they are showing off and think I am being cheap. That is their perception of Christmas, not mine. I think its a season of love, appreciation, and giving in meaningful ways (to society as a whole). Let them live in Wal-Mart land... I'll just sit on the sidelines w/ my spiked eggnog and watch the show...

Let's see how long this mindset lasts lol

**WildChild** · 11-06-2009, 09:49 AM

Just make it an old fashioned holiday. Lots of baking, have the kids string popcorn and berries to decorate the outdoor trees, make caramel apples or popcorn balls. Let the kiddos roll out and cookie cutter cookies and then decorate them (Get a wood dowel and cut into 12 inch lengths for rolling pins). Take a walk in the snow, sing songs. Get it out of the presents arena?

Got a fireplace? Ever do a Yule log? If your family isn't really religious, suggest you celebrate the Solstice or focus on the Yule, create your own traditions!

11-04-2009, 07:53 AM	#1
KMonte85 Silver Contributor 100+ Posts Join Date: Oct 2009 Location: Southeastern WI Posts: 148	Stopping the presents at Christmas??? Question! My family gets together every Christmas, to enjoy each other's company, eat a great homecooked meal, and celebrate the season. It is a great time as we don't get to see each other so much otherwise. The problem is that my brother, his wife, and their two grown children are all very, VERY stupid with money. They are all broke, owe thousands of dollars to family and friends, can never pay the mortgage or rent, are on food stamps, etc. and every year they spends hundreds, if not thousands, of dollars on gifts for the family. It is ridiculous because they probably had to borrow that money (putting themselves even MORE in debt) to purchase the gifts. It has gotten so bad, by the time they've set their presents for the family under the tree, you can't even see the tree anymore. Its BURIED. The rest of us appreciate the thought, but we hate seeing the wastefulness. We don't WANT the gifts, (most of which are pretty thoughtless anyway like candles, lotions, crystal vases... not very personal type stuff). Secondly, we don't like spending that kind of money to reciprocate the gifting. But if we don't, then it seems like my brother's family looks at us like we are stingy/cheap/scrooges. Our parents have asked my brother to not do presents at all. We have all agreed we will not do presents and just enjoy our time together. My parents don't buy presents, I don't buy presents, and then my brother and his family show up with a truckload of presents for us. We've asked to set a dollar amount limit for gifts for each person, like $40 each, TOPS. I follow the limit for each person, my parents do the same, and then I get $300 worth of candles, lotion, and other novelties from my brother's family. Tis the season to start thinking about this conundrum again! What in the world do I do with these people?! They just don't get it! And our father is getting pretty irrated since my brother, his wife, and the kids ALL owe him a couple thousand dollars that he never gets paid, but they have money for all these gifts! It makes our Christmas celebration less enjoyable and kind of stressful when "present" time arrives - which is the OPPOSITE of what should be happening! How do I get my brother and his family to stop with the gifting over-kill and just enjoy the family's company and the food?! Any suggestions are completely welcome! __________________ When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.

11-04-2009, 08:32 AM	#3
WildChild Gold Contributor 500+ Posts Join Date: Sep 2008 Location: Western USA Posts: 6,223 Blog Entries: 5	First have that tough talk and explain that their gift giving under the circumstances is not a good idea. Then just say flat out No Presents. There will be No gift giving time as a group. Let each family unit do what they wish amongst themselves. This may be hard but if they show up with gifts - refuse them, stating, "Your presence is gift enough." If you can hold firm as a group and still be gracious they may get it. Other options might be to have a drawing, put all the names in a box, everyone gets one person and one only that they give a gift to, then require that the gift be homemade; bake, sew, draw, create a music cd, make something - no store bought gifts. __________________ We can only learn to love by loving. Iris Mudoch, British writer

11-04-2009, 09:03 AM	#4
KMonte85 Silver Contributor 100+ Posts Join Date: Oct 2009 Location: Southeastern WI Posts: 148	Our parents have sat my brother and his wife down and told him flat out no gifts because it is more if a hinderance than anything during a happy time, to which they have agreed. But then it's like they can't help themselves but to go to walmart through the pre-packaged giftset and buy 5 different for each person in the family! All the while, we're still under the impression that "no gifts!" means "NO FLIPPING GIFTS!" so there again makes an awkward situation where I sit up to my neck in coffee sets and candles, and they have nothing. Have you ever seen kids get so many gifts that they actually get bored ripping the wrapping paper and opening the boxes to see what they were given? Sounds impossible, right? I've seen it first hand. Every Christmas. It would be one thing if they were rolling in dough, but..... I do like the drawing idea, not sure if I will get them to do the homemade thing, but at least it might decrease the amount of gifts they buy and give to everybody to a more reasonable quantity! But again, they might just agree to it and then do what they want when they hit the Walmart aisles anyway! But it is worth a shot.. its at least one thing we haven't tried yet! I really don't want to hurt their feelings either! No one wants to be told "dont buy me anything because you're broke and cant afford it!" I think their hearts are in the right spot, but they are over-compensating for something! __________________ When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.

11-04-2009, 09:08 AM	#5
WildChild Gold Contributor 500+ Posts Join Date: Sep 2008 Location: Western USA Posts: 6,223 Blog Entries: 5	Another option - family gifts rather than for individuals. Something the entire family can use like a board game or a movie. __________________ We can only learn to love by loving. Iris Mudoch, British writer

11-05-2009, 07:21 AM	#7
KMonte85 Silver Contributor 100+ Posts Join Date: Oct 2009 Location: Southeastern WI Posts: 148	Thats how I feel when I get ump-teen presents from them and I've given them each something nice, but in moderation! Its like, oh.. so now I'm the cheapo douchebag now. Sweet. but I've got bills too, and I'm not going to drown myself in debt so that I can buy them each 18 different pieces of that they will lose, donate to charity, or completely forget about elsewise... It just kinda puts a damper on Christmas. When in the world did it become ok to commercialize the season so much? ITS NOT ABOUT THE GIFTS! Blah. __________________ When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.

11-04-2009, 08:08 AM	#2
happy ending Gold Contributor 500+ Posts Join Date: Oct 2008 Location: western australia Posts: 655	maybe you could explain to them, like you have explained it to us. times are hard. wasting money on carp, just makes the shops happy and has none of the real true meaning of christmas!

11-04-2009, 09:23 PM	#6
happy ending Gold Contributor 500+ Posts Join Date: Oct 2008 Location: western australia Posts: 655	i dont know if they are overcompensating, its more like they are trying to make the rest of you look bad - like we are so generous and giving even though we have no money. its almost like they are trying to guilt you all.

11-06-2009, 04:29 AM	#8
happy ending Gold Contributor 500+ Posts Join Date: Oct 2008 Location: western australia Posts: 655	yes its like they are showing off, look we are so much more giving, generous etc especially as you have asked them not to give gifts. the gifts they give sound like they have had no thought what soever put into them. when i dont really want to buy someone a gift but basically have to those are the sort of gifts i get them. you know cheap gift sets.

11-06-2009, 08:58 AM	#9
KMonte85 Silver Contributor 100+ Posts Join Date: Oct 2009 Location: Southeastern WI Posts: 148	I'm going to suggest the drawing idea, but not sure that they will actually follow through. I guess probably the best thing I can do is stick to my guns and the plan we had for gifting. and if they come with a dumptruck full of presents again, so be it. its so sad to see them waste that money on mountains of thoughtless gifts. Sooooooo wasteful, especially when they are so hard up financially anyway. And I will try to get others in the family to take the same mindset, even if it is aggravating! "Bite your tongue, its only a few hours out of the year....." And I'm not going to worry that they are showing off and think I am being cheap. That is their perception of Christmas, not mine. I think its a season of love, appreciation, and giving in meaningful ways (to society as a whole). Let them live in Wal-Mart land... I'll just sit on the sidelines w/ my spiked eggnog and watch the show... Let's see how long this mindset lasts lol __________________ When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.

11-06-2009, 09:49 AM	#10
WildChild Gold Contributor 500+ Posts Join Date: Sep 2008 Location: Western USA Posts: 6,223 Blog Entries: 5	Just make it an old fashioned holiday. Lots of baking, have the kids string popcorn and berries to decorate the outdoor trees, make caramel apples or popcorn balls. Let the kiddos roll out and cookie cutter cookies and then decorate them (Get a wood dowel and cut into 12 inch lengths for rolling pins). Take a walk in the snow, sing songs. Get it out of the presents arena? Got a fireplace? Ever do a Yule log? If your family isn't really religious, suggest you celebrate the Solstice or focus on the Yule, create your own traditions! __________________ We can only learn to love by loving. Iris Mudoch, British writer

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