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Thread: Father nasty to me

  1. #1
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    Default Father nasty to me


    Hi all

    I have some real problems right now.

    I have serious health problems - spine degeneration and bladder problem and I am only 21.

    Anyway, I live with my family (father, mother and older sister) and get on well with my mother and sister but not so well with my father. In fact he really does not get on with me at the best of times. Unfortunately I live with him alongside my mother and sister.

    He shouts at me and says horrible things and expects me to forget that he even said those things or was nasty and then says that he was not being nasty or saying nasty things and throws it in my face saying I am the one who is nasty and starts arguing and so I only have the choice of walking away.

    I am feeling very depressed with him around me all the time and also want to get out of the house as I feel that he is getting much worse, particularly towards me.

    I fear he may actually have some kind of mental disorder as he just seems to have a lot of the symptoms of this sort of thing but I could not take him to the doctors as he would not go and also says it is me who has got the problem and gets very abusive. He is just so nasty that I do not want to call him my father to be honest as I am embarrassed about even being connected to him or being his offspring as I really feel he is an embarrassment to me in general.

    He has even said I am stupid and will never get a job (that was when I was only 12 he said that) and that has scarred me for life and I can still remember it clear as day and just do not feel I should even forgive him for saying such things to me and acting in the way he does.

    The one time when I had wisdom teeth that needed removing and my mother (she actually bothers about me) decided to get them removed privately and he had such a massive argument and swore at both me and my mother and was getting quite het up so we both went for a drive together as I was out of my mind and very upset. He felt I was not worth it and to this day he feels that way, even about my spine and other problems. He is disgusting and evil and I do not want to even be near him.

    Tonight he has just been so mean once again, I just cannot stand it any longer and feel suicidal and I'm sure he wouldn't care if I killed myself.

    I am seriously thinking about moving out but cannot afford it - money is stopping me from doing so. If I had the money I would certainly not think twice.

    Would any particular contacts be of use to help me in some way. By the way just in case, I am in the UK.

    Many thanks for any help you may be able to give. It is much appreciated and I know there are many more much more caring and deserving people than my father.

    Kind regards

    Gamma

  2. #2
    TEAM ADMIN Array CHANDLERS WISH's Avatar
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    Hi Gamma, welcome to the Forum.

    Sounds like you feel he singles you out. But, doesn't he really speak down to your Mother as well? What about your sister, how old is she?

    If you feel depressed, you do need to see your Doctor and battle that one first, because suicide is never an answer, is it, they win, you lose, so why go down that path?

    Maybe, he holds guilt? Feels guilty over your problems even though he didn't cause them and can't get past it?

    He for sure needs anger management and councelling. But, your right, he puts it all back on you.

    Can you work? Have you spoken to your Mother about just how he is now making you feel and asked for her help? Do you have an Aunty/Grandma you can privately talk to?

    Maybe you could move out and live with one of them for a while?

    CW
    PUT A LITTLE 'LIKE' IN MY SOUL!

  3. #3
    WH Moderator - JUNE 2011 POSTER OF THE MONTH- Array KMonte85's Avatar
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    Hi Gamma - From what you have written here, it seems like he might have a medical problem that is causing his outbursts - Not that it is an excuse! Are your mother and sister being treated this way too?

    Please do not allow your father's hurtful words make you feel like less of a person. Don't hurt yourself because someone has tried to hurt you. You may want to seek help from a counciler or a suicide hotline who can help you see that you are worthy and deserve to be happy.

    Try to surround yourself with a strong support system, people that love you and respect you. Friends, family, a support group for the emotionally abused.. anyone who will listen and help you to sort through your feelings!

    And if at all possible, try to get out of that house! Are you able to find a roommate? Maybe look in the papers for someone in your area who is looking for a roomie to split rent with? Find a friend who you can stay with? Move out with your sister? Something! Just so long as you can remove yourself from the negativity.. your father will be a lot less able to abuse you if you are not there to be an easy target for his outbursts!
    Most of the shadows of this life are caused by our standing in our own sunshine.
    Ralph Waldo Emerson



  4. #4
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    Hi, CHANDLERS WISH and KMonte85

    Thank you both for your replies.

    He treats them both very similarly to me and talks down to them too. That is also what frustrates me as I thought he was a part of the family that was supposed to care, not bully.

    My sister is about 23 and I am 21.

    My mother and me have both decided we are going to sell the house and rent one away from him as we both cannot carry on like this but it will take a while to get everything sorted and will likely be next year at the earliest.

    I think I am going to have one real miserable Christmas just like last year where he spoiled everything as whenever he is involved it always ends up in an argument over such stupid little things.

    I have got over the suicidal feeling and sometimes do think if something happened to me he would not care as he does not now. I do not get on with any of the doctors at my GP surgery as they were nasty to me saying my physical health (degenerative spine condition and urinary retention) were all in my head and that they do not want to help me and so I feel they do not care either and never really bother with them as they are a complete waste of time as most doctors are. They left me in such a state and now look at me. I now have a bladder problem due to their ignorance of my spine problem. My life has been ruined due to their complete incompetence. I hate doctors and always will.

    Guilt should never be his excuse though. He was actually like it with me before I got ill like this. He has been like it since I was a kid, just he is worse now. He never seems to know when to give me a break and does not care that I am ill and he has never chipped in to help me with my illness. He is not feeling guilt. He is not that kind of person. He even got really nasty with me and bullied me over my health at times and when doctors would not help me he said it is no wonder, blaming me for my attitude, rather than actually sitting down and comforting me or trying to talk to them for me. That is such a disgusting thing for my own supposedly-loving father to say. He just disgusts me and makes me feel ashamed to be a part of him.

    No, I unfortunately cannot work yet but am hoping in the future I will be able to as it would be a good escape and maybe I could make a few friends and also help other people.

    I have spoken to my mother and although she recognises (has for some time) that I am fed up with him and just cannot stand being near him, she said we cannot immediately move out as we cannot afford to (we do not have enough money) and that I would have to deal with it for now so I shut myself away in my bedroom. He then wonders why I shut myself away! He does not seem bright enough to realise just what effect his attitude and behaviour is having on me and the rest of my family. I cannot talk to him as he then gets too aggressive and starts accusing all of us that we are the ones in the wrong. We just cannot get through to him as he refuses to listen and blames others (mainly me and my mother and sister) for his attitude and aggression.

    Unfortunately I do not have any other relatives I can talk to or move out with. I have a very small family as my parents either fell out with their family or they have passed away.

    My mother does not want me to seek outside help as she does not want me to cause a family rift or other problems and got quite mad at me when I said I was going to contact someone for some help. She would rather I suffered it (which I think is a little selfish, especially considering my health problems).

    It is quite a difficult one as my mother is not happy that I want to move out as she feels I should stay here and be looked after. I do not feel that I am being looked after though...that is the problem. Being shouted at and verbally abused by my own father is not being looked after in my eyes. It is a form of abuse. I am not even being protected from him - she is not even bothering to make an effort to tell him how bad he is treating me, she just leaves it and carries on. I want to leave now, not suffer more years of such abuse. No one deserves to be treated in such a way.

    My mother does not want me renting with a stranger in my vulnerable condition and has said she prefers me to suffer the abuse for a bit and wait until she can action getting the house sold.

    I have tried to do things for him, such as getting money re-imbursed for travel expenses, etc, and support him emotionally whenever he needed it but he just throws it back in my face either the next day or sometime soon and this makes me feel that he does not appreciate me or what I have tried to do for him. He hates me I know it. He does not need me and I really could do without him. I do feel sad to be saying that but I also do not feel sad as I know he feels the same way about me.

    He should go live on his own as he causes my family so much grief and hassle it is unbelievable. He even stole stuff from out of my bedroom! I will never forgive him for the way he treats me and really cannot wait to get out of here and be happy as at the moment I feel I am just existing, not living.

    I have to silently tip toe around him and hope he does not see me in case he asks me for something and then an argument breaks out. I could say I am scared of him as he is a constant threat to me, especially in my vulnerable state. I have got to have an operation sometime and I really do not need him around to hurt me as it will hamper my recovery greatly. I think I'd rather stay in hospital and that's saying something from someone who is not keen on staying in hospital as I have never stayed in one before.

    It's no wonder when they checked my blood pressure it was high as it was the day after I had a massive argument with him once again.

    I am going to end up with some other health problem if I am not careful and do not remove myself from the situation.

    Many thanks for your support. At least I have someone on here to talk to who cares as it can make all the difference as he does not know I am on here.

    Kind regards

    Gamma

  5. #5
    WH Moderator - JUNE 2011 POSTER OF THE MONTH- Array KMonte85's Avatar
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    Gamma, your situation sounds so challenging, but I hope you do not give up on starting a new, fresh, healthy life on your own.

    This might sound harsh, but I think your mother is likely to never move. She has been abused by this man for many years, and it sounds like she is beaten down and tired, so much so that now she just enables him to act the way he does because she doesn't have the will to fight anymore. She doesn't want you to move out on your own, she doesn't want you to seek outside help. She is playing to your fathers will. As would many people stuck in that situation for so many years. I hope you recognize that you may need to independently take control of your life to get out of your abusive situation.

    Your mom may be fearful of you moving out on your own, but you are an adult. You are your own person and are perfectly capable of living a healthy, independant life away from your father and that horrible situation, even with a medical condition. People with medical conditions live on their own and live healthy, happy, fulfilling, and independant lives every day! Please DO consider moving out on your own, even if it is just for the year until your mother is able to get out like she has said she plans to do... tell her you will meet up with her at the point when she is ready/able to leave. But if you are capable of getting out, then GET OUT! Your body, mind, and soul need it!

    Please do not let your mother influence your seeking outside help and resources. She is like a soldier with PTSD, she is not thinking clearly and not recognizing the affects of the abuse she, and you and your sister have endured. You really should seek counciling from a support group in your area or a licenced counciler. You really should consider moving out, even if it is with a stranger, until your mom is prepared to leave (but I am not convinced she will.. I've seen this scenario play out many times).

    Above all, try to keep your head up high. I hope you know that you are worth more than what your father may be saying about you. It sounds like he is deeply disturbed and unfortunately, is not open to seeking help. You are not responsible for his irrational outbursts - you just happen to be there when he feels like unloading his irrational feelings on someone. Even with your spinal condition, you are very capable of doing many things in life and should not allow someone who talks down to you affect what you make of your life! He sullied his own life, don't allow that man to sully yours too.
    Most of the shadows of this life are caused by our standing in our own sunshine.
    Ralph Waldo Emerson



  6. #6
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    Hi, KMonte85

    I have never been one to give up which is probably why my father does not get on with me as actually me, my mother and sister all also speak up for ourselves and he does not like this and I feel that he sees us three women as ones that should just put up with what he says and accept it but us three have never done that. He likes to be the dominant one and always has.

    The worrying thing is is that he does not even know or is aware of his attitude and violent, abusive ways as I told him and confronted him yesterday and that is when he accused me of being the one that fights and always blames us three for his actions which I feel is a very childish way of behaving considering he is a supposed grown adult.

    It does not sound harsh what you have said about my mother never moving. It is quite possible she may never move out. It could be because she is afraid of his reactions and that he may even resort to doing something really dangerous. I too would be slightly concerned about him as he can get very violent but I have always tried to stick up for myself, which, as I mentioned before, he does not like or tolerate.

    He has always been a very controlling person and likes to be the boss and does not like being told things or how to do them.

    I have seen many stories about this sort of person creating domestic violence.

    I did say to her that I would consider moving out on my own as I am so tired of him as he is a bully. She is not keen on me moving out as she fears for my health as she has said that I may get broken into as we live in an area where crime is not uncommon.

    The problem is where I would get the money to pay for accommodation...

    The thing is I would have to get outside help secretly as it would cause many family problems as she is not happy and thinks the police or someone will get involved. Perhaps there are online groups as these are more secretive than telephone or face-to-face. I usually have my mother drop me off or take me places so she would know something was up if I caught public transport or was on the phone. I am hemmed in in the middle of what feels to me a war zone where I just have to keep my head down. It feels like a constant threat.

    At the moment I have tried my avoidance technique like I used to do at college when there was this 50 year old woman who insisted on picking on me and bullying me. It does work as I have not had one single run in with him as of yet today. I have decided to lock myself away in my bedroom. He does not bother coming in here often. Maybe he'll realise why I am not talking to him? He did walk past me once today in the kitchen when I came down to collect dinner but never said anything and just went past and I never said nothing either and ignored him. He does not really like being ignored so if I ignore him maybe he will miss my interaction and see what his attitude and abuse amounts to and results in.

    Thankfully I do still think about what people said when I was on work experience and at college, etc. All the positive things people said about me and it makes me realise I am not bad like he constantly makes me out to be.

    He even makes me look stupid in public. He must get some sort of satisfaction from the abuse and embarrassment he delves out?

    I hope to be able to get a career in healthcare and make something of myself rather than making people's lives a misery like he does. I want to be happy and the only way to happiness I can see is removing him (the problem) or removing myself from the situation.

    I used to think I was the real problem, that I was a nasty and horrible person like he says I am but when I think about how I have interacted with everyone else, this is not the case. My college reports and doctor letter even say I was pleasant and the people at work experience said they enjoyed working with me and that it was a pleasure.

    I am determined to only give my attention to the people who really matter and who care and have decided to blank him out for now. I do not see him as even my father anymore. I thought fathers were people who loved and cared for their offspring and family members?

    Thank you for your help and I feel that this is an invaluable site to be able to share my feelings as I feel much better knowing there are people out there who do care.

    Kind regards

    Gamma

  7. #7
    TEAM ADMIN Array CHANDLERS WISH's Avatar
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    Your a bright little spark, knowledgeable but:-

    I don't want to sound harsh either, but, as you have had to deal with your Father, deal with your disabilities... Look around you at worse of people, and realise how they get above everything in life, don't let it get them down and believe that they will find the cure, or answer to at least live with it and be happy.

    Just because Doctors "think" it's in your mind having I assume, conducted ex-rays, ultra sounds and can't locate a problem, perhaps they haven't conducted this correctly so go and see someone else.

    Don't put people into boxes " I hate Doctors", no you dislike those particular Doctors that don't seem to have an answer for you.

    I also agree with K Monte.. When someone has spent what 23+ years in an abusive relationship, it's easier to "ignore" as they feel belittled and nothing, low self esteme, won't be able to afford to move, etc... It takes alot of strength to say YES I CAN..

    Think then of your Mother as well... She has gone through the same thing, it's not just you or your sister as you state and give her the encouragement of YES YOU CAN, WE CAN, WE WILL... She needs your strength, your youth, a reminder of what she was like at your age, who she was.

    It's time to band together in love and laughter, ignoring your Father. So, he won't like it, and will use words, smile and ignore and continue having a happy house, why should 1 man win over 3 women? Be it man or women, 3 against 1... You can all, by using reverse physcology, have him feeling a loss of control and him being out of the house more, as a result..

    There is nothing we can't do in life, if we believe.

    CW
    PUT A LITTLE 'LIKE' IN MY SOUL!

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    Hi, CHANDLERS WISH

    Thanks.

    I totally agree, there are always going to be people worse off than us. I have seen quite a few who are much worse off than me and are so inspiring in what they have achieved despite what they have been dealt.

    I have always been a person who has wanted to make something of myself and am determined to do so.

    Yes, the doctors did say it was all in my mind even though the x-rays and MRIs actually show problems with my spine which should not be there at such a young age as the radiologist has mentioned on the report. The bladder tests also showed urine residuel (retention) which is why I now have a catheter in which is thankfully giving me a lot of relief as regards my bladder symptoms.

    I only am not keen on doctors as I have had so many bad and discriminating experiences with them. They should not deal with their patients in such a way. It is totally unprofessional and disgusting. There are so many experiences I have had with many different ones. Makes me wonder why they even bother going into such a profession if they do not care about their patients. Of course very rarely not all of them will be as bad.

    I totally agree, my mother needs the encouragement to be able to make that positive move and end this turmoil and I have actually tried to keep encouraging her and whenever I speak to her she says she will move out but only when she can get the house sold and afford to do so. Our success will be down to money as well as motivation.

    Again, I totally agree, why should me, my mother and sister allow him to ruin our happiness and friendship? He is totally ignoring me today, just like yesterday, and that is fine with me as at least he is keeping out of my way and perhaps knows that I am angry and do not want to talk to him. I made a point and still am of just talking to my mother and sister and completely blanking him out and I think he may have noticed this but I am not sure. I have even talked only to my mother and sister in front of him and completely ignoring him as I know eventually he will hopefully miss my interaction and this may enable him to love and respect me more for who I am rather than shouting at me and saying such mean things.

    One of the things about him that really annoys me is that he never even bothers to apologise for such nasty and violent behaviour and expects me to have forgotten about it! I never forget and cannot forgive him for such disgusting behaviour as there is no need for it.

    Kind regards

    Gamma

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    Hi all

    Just updating...

    The first thing he says is "can you run me a bath?". He never even said thank you and that is the kind of attitude that gets him nowhere and he has not even been offered a job due to his outbursts and attitude problems that he claims he does not have.

    He still hates me and is just using me to be a slave for him...

    He has absolutely no tolerance or care in the world for me (and other members of my family) and just treats me like rubbish. He is mean and does not deserve the privelage of even me answering him and running his bath, yet I did it for him...I am just too conscientious (sorry, not sure how to spell that word) and kind to such nasty people.

    Perhaps I should have refused him or not even answered him in the first place but he would have gotten really violent then as he was nasty when he asked me to run him a bath (he never seems to do things himself - he gets others to do it for him as he is lazy and likes slaves). He never asks me nicely and has no manners whatsoever and that is what greatly irritates me and makes me want to tell him off for being rude and teach him how to behave in a grown up way and get some manners and social skills.

    Kind regards

    Gamma

  10. #10
    WH Head Moderator Array WildChild's Avatar
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    I'm trying to get a clearer picture here. You are 21, your sister is 23. Has either of you ever had a job?
    Is your father employed? You make reference to him not being offered a job.
    In what ways is he violent? You state he is nasty to you, has poor manners, is rude and that you want to teach him manners. You say he is abusive and you are scared of him; other than raising his voice, what forms has this taken?
    What do you to help around the house? You state that you stay in your room, even to the point of taking your meals there, do you help out?
    Why do you want to work in healthcare if you have such strong feelings against doctors?
    You went to college, did you complete a degree? How did you pay for your education?
    You state that the doctor's you've seen say that your degenerative spine condition and urinary retention aren't real, yet you have a catheter. There must have been a doctor who found a problem? What is the spinal condition and who diagnosed that? What is the prognosis?

    I know you are stressed and perhaps not communicating as clearly as you would like but I find some of this a bit confusing. It would be helpful if you could clarify.

    It would be good for you get out on your own and you are certainly old enough to do so, however since you are unemployed and don't seem to have any prospects in that direction at this time, you would probably do well to try to keep as positive an attitude as possible toward all the members of your family - including your father. It isn't your place to "teach him manners" or anything else, but you could certainly set an example of polite and gracious behavior. Often times people will respond to that and it certainly can't make the situation any worse. In the meantime what can you do to further your education or get training to work in a field that you might actually enjoy?
    We can only learn to love by loving. - Iris Mudoch, British writer

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