I have a step daughter, she stays with her mother but she's attending school with us (my husband and me) because her mother stays at the rural area where there are no schools. But the question is: should I commit myself to do everything for this girl (my step-daughter), like taking out study policies.

Don't you think that I'll be hurt if I do everything for this girl and at the end of the day she goes back to her mother?

Can somebody please help me cause I'm clueless!

Please repply quickly, I need the solution!

Step children are like mine fields...
you have to move very cautiously.
You don't know how she sees you...
what you represent to her...

Ask.

With every thing, ask.
Don't assume.

Ask her as if she's a grown woman.
Keep that kind of formality ... the
kind of way you'd treat an adult who
was boarding with you, whom you wished
to make comfortable.

Don't invest too much.

Mistakes....

Trying to make her feel 'part of the family'
Acting like her new mother

Take time, and ask her every step of
the way.

If she starts acting out at school, if
the family situation gets complicated,
call her mother.

Many times St. Stepmother is crucified
by an angry child who blames her for
everything, and because St. Stepmother
tries so hard, she's an easy target for
blame.

You have to take your cue from the
girl. If she resents you, if she likes
you as a person, whatever. Take your
cue from her, and react.

Remember...
you married the father. When she's gone,
as she will be, you and the father will, hopefully,
still be together.

I can think of a case in which the husband
was 'siding' with the big daughter making
the wife feel second best.

Then the big daughter didn't come home
until like one am...he went crazy, and she
turned around, walked back out, got into
the boyfriend's car, and didn't come home
again.

He seemed to forget that his daughter was
going to leave one day, that he would become
nothing but old dad in her life, while boyfriend
could become husband...

So try never to get into one of those situations
where 'it is me or her'...
she is not a challenge.

So what I would say, treat her as a boarder,
ask her what she wants, and take direction
from her.

She might love you, she might not,
she might want to include you,
she might not,
it is up to her...
you just avoid being hurt by giving too much
or expecting too much.

i wouldnt push her buttons or get in her way. i have a step dad who just irks me in every way possible, but i have a stepmom who i love! i mean i never lived with her but she is great and is great to me and my brother n sister, but she never pushed herself onto us. my step dad would go out of his way completly to try to make me happy and like him, but it was too fast for him and my mom and now its been almost 4 years since they've been married and i hate it still...just be good to her and let her come to you..and leave the punishing to her dad, bc if she hates him she may come to you!

I have a 10yr old step-son, we have custody of him (going on 3yrs now). I realize that I am his #1 care-giver as my husband work 10-12hrs days sometimes. I have realized, that I spend so much of my time dealing w/him & his behavior, that I'm leaving me kids out. Since his mom has been granted visitation w/him, he only looks forward to that day. Nothing else is more important to him. It does kind of hurt, but in reality he isn't mine to hurt over. So if you choose to let yourself get heavily involved-always know there's room for a let down, even if it's years down the line.

Brad's mom, you made the point...
too many step parents kill themselves to please the child...
act as if the child is their own only to be boxed away with...
"You're not my mother! You can't tell me what to do!"
And the only reason the brat can stand up in the livingroom
and say that is because he or she has watched you grovel
at their toes.

The arm's length step parent never hears that...
any more than you could make demands when you
visit someone's home.

You just do your best, as you would if your best friend's
child was sleeping over. As long as you remain in that kind
of mindset, and take your responses from the child...
--"Do you want me to come to the play?"---

---"No, my real mother is coming"---

or

---"Of course I want you there"----

You'll be okay.
The prob. happens when you try to be the mother
and the child rejects you.

It seems like I am always wrong in whatever I do . If I try and stand up for myself I get yelled at that I am wrong. I am not a person who thrives on being right and I know i am not perfect either but sometimes i feel it is because I am 4 and 7 yrs apart from them they might feel superior to me. I try to keep peace but I feel like it is worthless.I am tired of unnecessary drama. They don't like their brother and he doesn't get along with them. Well It seems if I try and get close I get burned. My niece was taking my daughter to swing because the other nieces were outside too but she had left her and came to the deck I guess I screamed at her because I didin't know if anyone was watching her. So my sis law not her mom said don't scream at her. I guess I didn't realized i was screaming but I really freaked out because I didn't know if she would get hurt . can anyone help me to understand my sis in laws??

Many times families have a certain dynamic.

N and S were married and had two children
in rapid succession, then were divorced.

N's mother loved S more than her own son.
N's sister liked S more than she liked her brother.

The marriage between N & S didn't last four years.

N subsequently married Y. He was married to Y
for fifteen years before she divorced him.

N's mother NEVER accepted Y, N's sister never
liked Y, and the five children N & Y had were
treated as strangers.

So this is a dynamic which is not limited
to one family.

Y's treatment of S's children was questioned
and N's mother took the children from N & Y
raising S's children as her own because she
never liked Y, and if one of S's children said
that Y had shouted at her, it was a major
situation.

Now Y was intelligent enough to appreciate
that NOT being the step mother of S's children
was the best choice.

It sounds strange to think that for fifteen years
Y was treated as a stranger, and when she
divorced N, her five children went with her and
were never seen again by N's family, nor were
they interested in them.

In your case, you are a stranger to his family
and the less contact you have with them the
better.

The less contact your children have with them
the better.

I can not imagine how Y's children must have
felt, and I feel that when Y divorced N she
was happy to get herself and her kids out of
the situation.