Mom wants son all to herself... :(

**yellowpiXi3** · 12-21-2009 12:58 PM

Ok, so my boyfriend and I have been together for almost 2 years. And we are pretty serious about each other... Great?! Isn't it. Well yes, and no.

Now here's the problem...... I feel his mom has become jealous of our relationship. I say that because she always makes us feel bad for not seeing her. Him more so than me. She wants him to compliment her all the time. (i.e. you're great.. you're awsome, you're a wonderful mother... etc) She wants to see him both Xmas Eve and Day. When this would be the first year he's going to meet my family on Xmas. She was giving him the sad story of how, it's nice that he is in a relationship and has someone to spend Xmas with. When she doesn't and yada yada.

I'm kinda getting tired of her selfishness. She ruined our ONE year anniversary, and now potentially Xmas for me and him. We agreed that we would see her Xmas eve, But she wanted to see Him both days. I don't get to spend ANY alone time with him BOTH days. Xmas eve-brunch with his mom... I leave and he stays with her for the rest of the day. Xmas day- we go to my parents have lunch and he goes to see her again that night. ... I know that I practically live with my bf and see him everyday. However, this is the first time I can actually have some alone time with him on Xmas. Since last year his friend came during the Holidays and stayed until the New Year.

I don't know what to do. I'm pretty pissed.

**KMonte85** · 12-21-2009 01:08 PM

Have you had a conversation with your boyfriend about his mother's clingyness? Does he know it bothers you so much? And is his mom like this ALL the time, or just around special events and holidays?

If he's aware that she is needy, but still caves into her guilt trips, then there might be a problem... Obviously Mom wants to keep her little boy close, she loves him, and as any mother does she wants to spend time with him. But parents are supposed to cut the apron strings at some time. It seems like his mom just is not ready to do that. Which means that it will be up to him to do so.

He should tell his mom that he loves spending time with her, but she will have to make due with the one day celebration as you have plans to see your family the next day and then spend some time enjoying the holiday together.

But this is up to HIM to tell her that. If he does not want to, he really does not have to. But that should be a red flag for you that if you want to pursue this relationship further, Mommy is going to have a big influence in your lives together.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 12-21-2009 01:12 PM

Anniversary, I totally understand, Xmas, is such a parent thing, they still see their children as a "child", heck, I'm sleeping over at mine

But, therefore, in my opinion, Xmas Day, is where that ties in, not Xmas Eve.

All, I can say is make plans in advance for next year and stick to it... Xmas Eve is yours by holding a party at your house, can't get out of that one, can you

Sorry sweet. Try and smile, your still with him, and your family, as well, through the period...

Buy her a box of Tim Tams for Xmas

**yellowpiXi3** · 12-21-2009 01:20 PM

Yeah I have told him that he needs to tell his mom. And he has. She doesn't listen. She pulls the sympathy card and he falls for it every time. I understand that she's kinda lonely since she's moved closer to him. (She moved to another state to be close to him) But she's been here almost a year and still complains that she doesn't have any friends. When she clearly can make friends because she HAS. She finds some weird flaw about them and stops being social towards other people. When we do see her she ends up talking AT US instead of to us. When she talks to him it's no different either. I regret suggesting my therapist to her because now, I feel like she's not telling the therapist the truth. ALSO, my bf has gone to the therapist WITH his mom trying to work out problems but she STILL doesn't listen.

I am not the type of person to give ultimatums to people. I mean that's his mother for god's sake. I know how important that role is. I mean I have cats and I'm super protective of them. AND not to mention we had a fight once, and she kept calling him. And he didn't answer. Then she says that since he didn't answer the phone that she knows where she stands on the totem pole?! What MOM says that to their fully grown 30 year old child who's establishing an intimate relationship with someone? ... I don't get it.

**the wench** · 12-21-2009 01:26 PM

she needs to relise he has a life and your part of this...is there no compromise on spending xmas at yours and boxing day at his family?
my partner was asked 2 come 2 my parents 4 xmas dinner but he wanted 2 stay at home so im going there then his parents later on lol....gutted we cant spend it 2gether but hey thts life haha

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 12-21-2009 01:27 PM

A controlling one.. "her personality is controlling"... As well, She seeks his approval, his attention, a fear of being alone..attention seeker.

You should ensure that your with him every time, so it's "the pair" she sees, not him to ween her off as well as let her see that he's now in "control"... whilst still being there for her?

**yellowpiXi3** · 12-21-2009 01:30 PM

She wanted to see him both days ALL day. I'm starting to think that we should just go our separate ways this Holiday. Him with his mom and me with my family. I'm tired of this.

**KMonte85** · 12-21-2009 01:31 PM

Originally Posted by yellowpiXi3

Yeah I have told him that he needs to tell his mom. And he has. She doesn't listen. She pulls the sympathy card and he falls for it every time.

There's the problem. It's called enabling - he says no, she pouts, he caves, and she gets what he wants. Not a good cycle to be a part of.

It does sound like she may have some boundry issues, but it seems like she's trying to work through them at least with the therapy. That is a step in the right direction. I think maybe your boyfriend should speak with the therapist too about creating healthy boundries with his mom - that will help her with her progress as well. Succumbing to her every whim is not healthy for anyone!

If you feel its worth it to stick around and see how the situation progresses, then do so. But don't expect a lot of change very quickly - those two have been at this some 3 decades so it is a tough habit to break. Be patient... If you don't see a change happening ever, or if it is going too slow for you, then you need to decide if you can stay in this 2 year relationship for longer, or if you want/need to move on.

**the wench** · 12-21-2009 01:32 PM

were you invited aswell or was she just wanting him 2 go?

**yellowpiXi3** · 12-21-2009 01:38 PM

Thanks CW but we tried that.... we used to hangout with her EVERY sunday. But since she's being selfish lately and said that about me and his priorities I stopped talking to her as much. Don't get me wrong she's a nice person when she wants to be. I like his mom, but lately I just can't stand her. I think she's feeding her loneliness with him instead of finding friends. He's even asked his dad help on how to deal with her. And his dad said the best way to deal with her is to just take it and do what makes HER happy.

I'm starting to think there might be something mentally wrong with her.

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