How do I tell my son he has a sister???

**melsean** · 01-05-2010 02:00 PM

To make a long story VERY short -- about a year ago, my husband found out he had a daughter he did not know about. It was a shock -- he is not a "love 'em and leave 'em" guy who has bedded a gaggle of women. This was a woman he dated seriously who broke his heart and said she "never wanted to see [him] again." This was 16 years ago.

Anyway, after a year of going back and forth (the mother had lied to my husband's daughter -- told her another man was her father), the mom finally told the girl the truth and things have worked out surprisingly well. The girl (who is 15) has called my husband, they have been talking, and they will finally meet face to face in a couple of weeks.

My problem? I have a six-year-old son who doesn't know about his half-sister. He is at the stage where he thinks you have children by "getting married." How do I explain that my husband was not "married" to someone else, yet they had a child? And that it is his sister, even though I am not her mommy?

**Ravsoma** · 01-05-2010 11:37 PM

You tell him the truth and take that nonsense about getting married equals having children out of his mind.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 01-06-2010 12:32 AM

Sounds like she left him "because" she was pregnant and didn't want him making any management decisions, all be it that their relationship was on the "closed" doors at that point in time, it's a shame that he has lost so many years but a blessing that she wants to meet him and him her and I commend you for your support as well.

He is 6 years of age... I would be proned to say nothing at this point in time, as to who she is, let him get to know her, love her, visa versa and then explain it when he is a little bit older.

The main thing is, is that he will get to know his sister... I don't see the sense in confusing someone that young in trying to understand something that they are not capable of understanding.

I would not LIE TO HIM, definately not... "who is she?"... She is (Kaya) what ever her name is, and that is it.

I'm sorry Rav, I don't agree, that's my opinion. He's too young to comprehend marriage equals children, not non-marriage.

If you are further concerned then seek family councelling, 1 session should be all it will cost you and let an expert who has seen this over and over, and over advise you.

CW

**sperosi** · 01-06-2010 05:18 AM

I am not sure whether or not he is too young to comprehend that or not. some kids are, and i am guessing a lot has to do with how they are told and by whom. but I do think the poster above me gave you a good way of handling it.

one thing I dont understand is why you would have to tell him, instead of your husband being the one explaining it when the time comes. it should either be him, or the both of you. having that responsibility dumped on you alone doesnt seem fair,

**melsean** · 01-06-2010 09:20 AM

Sperosi, thanks for your comments. I'm sorry if my original post made it sound as if I was having to tell our son on my own. Of course my husband would be involved in doing that as well. He is not "dumping" anything on me.

CW, I think you are right. We'll just introduce her as Emily and leave it at that until our son starts to ask questions of his own.

Rav, I totally get what you're saying (and I admit my husband might even be inclined to agree with you), but I think 6 is too young to explain the "birds and the bees," unless of course he asks directly.

**happy ending** · 01-06-2010 06:00 PM

well my daughter grew up with her half sisters and always knew they had another mum, i just told her dad used to be married to another lady but they were always grumpy at each other, so he married me instead. but the difference is i guess thats what she grew up with, i think your 6 year old will actually like having a big sister, and will probably get a lot out of it, i know my girl always loved it!

i wouldnt get into the whole birds and bees thing, to a six year old that would be totally YUCK!!! (kissing girls!!!)

**Ahryin** · 01-07-2010 08:04 AM

Both of my children have half brothers and sisters I can tell you that kids..DO NOT CARE! Especially not at that age. As long as it does not interfere with his everyday life and his things are not threatened he will be fine. I agree with CW take him around her for some test runs for instance to the amusement park, water park, roller skating rink things where she is noticeable but not the center of attention. Allow them to develop a relationship as friends first. Kids are a lot smarter than we think and he will probably figure it out for himself. As adults we tend to make things a lot harder than they need to be. Love is Love and sisters and brothers have a natural love. I am my mothers only child yet I have a total of 11 brothers and sisters, its not the end of the world and we treat each other as if we have the same mother. You would never know if you sat down at a table with us. So give your son more credit even though he is only 6.

**WildChild** · 01-07-2010 09:02 AM

I explained the birds and bees, as they say, to my kids from the beginning. I used to bathe with them sometimes when they were little and they both nursed past 3 yrs old - my daughter remembers nursing. We talked about bodies and how babies get started and all that without any fuss. Stay age appropriate and kids have no trouble with understanding virtually anything. Just as they will use vocabulary most people think they can't handle - if you use the words they will too. At 4, my daughter's nursery school teacher told me she was amazed that she used words like "flatulant", I didn't understand why. They will learn to use the words they hear. She was also the only kiddo in the school who could recite a little rhyme with the words "attrociously" and "ferociously" , Why? because it never occured to me or her that she "couldn't". I never allowed "baby" talk. If you treat your son like he can't understand, he won't or he will missunderstand. That said...

The biggest factor is YOUR attitude and emotion connected with it. If you feel there is something wrong, they WILL pick that up. Since you have kept this area of life dark, I like CWs suggestion. Kids often do not analyse things as much as adults think they will. Let him have fun with Emily and get to know her. At some point that fact that she is his sister will just be natural.

**kristalyn_04** · 01-13-2010 03:16 PM

When I was 7 years old, my Dad sat me down and told me I had a sister. A half-sister (his daughter), who was 3 years older than me. Even at that young age, I understood what that meant. Honestly I didn't ask many questions about why my Dad had children with two different women, I just wanted to know about my sister and meet her. Of course all children will react differently to this kind of thing, but most likely he will be more curious to know about his half-sister than the reasons why he has one. This will be answered when he gets a bit older, and it should be your husband who explains it to him. That's just my two cents! Hope my experience helps a little.