Thread: Sister In Law Problem

I have reached the limit in associating with my in-laws. After 30 years of taking abuse from them, I have decided that I have had enough and I am no longer putting myself at their disposal to allow them to continue treating me badly.

I have spoken to my husband about this for decades, and until just now, he refused to acknowledge it. He finally said, after 30 years mind you, that he realizes they ‘give me a hard time’ but he ‘doesn’t understand why’. I have asked him to intervene and speak to them, but he said no, that I should ‘grow a tougher skin’.

I have seen 3 marriage counselors over the years, only one of which he would agree to see. All three concurred with me, that his family was not behaving properly, that he should intervene, and further more; he should protect me when we are with his family. He dismissed all three as quacks and would not act on their advice. I took some self esteem building sessions and built up the courage to confront my Mother in Law directly. She denied everything and screamed at me. I tried to approach my sister in law, and had the same reaction.

I will give you just a few examples of their behavior, but I doubt you will even believe the stunts they’ve pulled. For brevity, I will list the most grievous incidents, rather than the 2 hundred or more they’ve acted out:

When we first married, my MIL came to our apt., demanded my paycheck and my husband’s, and said she was going to ‘manage our money for us, put us on a budget, and give us spending money.’ She was also going to, ‘give money to my SIL, to even things out, so that one couple would not be earning more than the other’. I said no to this in no uncertain terms. I told my husband when he came home, and he said he didn’t believe me. I was also asked what size his ‘private parts’ were, and if he was ‘any good with them’. I refused to answer these women.

SIL had an open house, and had asked me to sew curtains for her and make a 5 foot wreath for her great room wall. I did, not charging her for my work; she paid for the fabric and used my discount. I brought a gift to the Open House as well. I walked in; she took my gift, threw it on the floor and yelled at one of her kids to open it. I walked around and other guests would walk away from me. If I sat next to someone, they would get up and leave. My husband was placed in a folding chair on the driveway, surrounded by his mother and sister, where upon they introduced every guest to him, and his mother went into the kitchen to ‘get him a fresh plate of food’. She looked at me and said I was to eat from the food in the garage that had been sitting out. I walked back into the house and stood before the big wreath I had made her, and a man stood next to me and we started talking. His wife came up, said, ‘this is the we’re not supposed to talk to’ and the 2 of them walked away. I then heard my SIL telling someone next to me that she had hired an interior decorator that sewed all these drapes (the ones I made) AND the wreath. Even my husband’s cousins were instructed not to speak to me. I have no clue why I was treated this way, other than I have refused to be her slave over the years. I have not sewn for her since, and yes, she’s asked.

There have been so many slights over the years, out right rude behavior, lies told about me, incidents imagined and exaggerated. My SIL has told everyone in my husband’s family absolutely horrendous stories about me. I should add that she dropped out of school in the 7th grade, and bosses and orders family members around. If they don’t do what she says, she comes up with something horrendous to do to them to make them do whatever it is she is demanding. Everything is her way or no way, believe me. I think they all do as she demands just to keep peace and so that they don’t have to worry about what she’ll do to them if they don’t meet her demands.

I have had my MIL overnight hundreds of times, arranged for her to attend functions at the kid’s schools, sent photos of what the kids were doing on the weeks she couldn’t visit, sewn alterations for her clothing for her, convinced my husband to do repairs for her to her home (he’s not inclined to do so), taken her to see entertainers with money from my paycheck not my husband’s, we even took her to Hawaii with us.

I have had family dinners for them, given milestone dinners for them, really took time to buy them thoughtful and expensive gifts. I get virtually nothing in return. They will spend $200 on my husband’s gift and tell me, ‘they just didn’t feel like getting me anything’. My SIL has grabbed gifts out of my hands and announced that it was something SHE wanted and I never see it again. No one does anything to corral this madwoman.

The final straw for me was this past January. My husband went in for open heart surgery. We didn’t have any clue that he had problems. My MIL stayed 4 nights before the surgery, and just announced she was spending New Year’s Eve with us; she didn’t ask. She TOLD us. We had below zero temperatures, a snow storm, and here is my MIL, another person for me to take care of, when I just needed to be with my husband and kids and process the upcoming surgery. MIL came down without any change of clothes and not so much as a toothbrush. She refuses to shower, only bathing once every 2 weeks. She is elderly, and I have to help her walk thru the snow, get up and down, etc. I’m fixing meals for my family, and she is ZERO help to me. I convinced her to leave after 4 nights, and told her she could return for the surgery.

My kids sat in the waiting room with me, and my MIL and SIL for the 6 hour surgery for a quadruple bypass. My sister in law informed me that my husband would need to quit working, and that I would ‘just have to learn to live without the money’. She said it so horribly to me. Never once during this time, or before or after the surgery, did they ask me how I was handling this, if I needed help with anything. If I needed help with the kids...nothing! I tired of listening to them talk about, ‘what if he dies during surgery’, ‘what if he’s a vegetable’ and on and on. I did what I could for my kids, having them work on homework; they brought a laptop and sat together. I lay down on a sofa and put my coat over me, more to shield me from my MIL and SIL than anything else. Would you believe my MIL walked the length of that sofa, and farted all the way across, and then my SIL burst out in a cackle. They planned it. My MIL has walked past me at family events and farted like this. Until now, I chose to ignore it. But with my husband laying on a surgery table fighting for his life, I just could not fathom having these women in my life anymore.

My MIL stayed at the house another 4 nights. I took her to the hospital to see my husband/her son, every day, twice day, dragging her thru the snow banks and ice, dropping her off at the front doors, parking the car and then meeting up with her. We were told to shower everyday and wear clean clothes into the ICU to keep infection rates down. MIL refused to change clothes or shower. I had to remind her to wash her hands at the sink at the entrance, every single visit. The kids went to school during the day, and I did what I could to get groceries, cook, laundry, and visit my husband, and to bring his mother to see him.

Well, after the 4th night of this second visit (her 8th night with me in a 2 week period); I felt that I was going to have a nervous breakdown. I would walk into my family room, and MIL was on her cell phone, saying, ‘Here she comes now. She’s walking into the kitchen. She’s letting the dog out. She’s going to frig....’ I told her that my life was not a reality show. I wanted her to stop calling her daughter (my SIL) and reporting my every move to her. She told me she would not stop. She was constantly on that phone, reporting every miniscule detail of our lives to anyone that would answer her call. She then told me that she had a recording capability on her phone, and she was going to record me. She set the phone on the counter, with the recording thing on, and left the room. I called my best friend, not caring if I was being recorded or not. I told her what was going on, and that I just didn’t need another person to take care of right now, and especially not a hostile guest that doesn’t lift a finger to help me. My friend said I had to ask her to leave.

I confronted my MIL, and told her that it was time for her to go home. She screamed at me that this was her son’s house, and she was not leaving. She then walked past me three times, and farted each time. She went up stairs and slammed 3 doors. When she returned, she was extremely hostile to me. I told her that I was not trying to hurt her feelings, but I needed to get the house ready for my husband to come home (cleaning, bringing up a recliner for him to sleep in, getting groceries, prescriptions, etc.), and I needed time to myself to adjust to the fact that my husband is now a cardiac patient. I told her I needed time with my kids. (My daughter asked me the night before WHEN Grandma was going home; she was tired of her being here, too.) She put up such a fight, that I agreed to let her stay ONE more night. The next morning, I took her to the hospital to visit. She would sit there, wring her hands, and cry and spout the most awful things...about how he’s not going to make it, and she and her daughter know someone that had this surgery and give him 'medical advice'. She told my husband I was sending her home after that morning's visit. That evening, my kids went to visit and I stayed home to clean house and get groceries in as he was coming home the next day. My kids came home upset that he was crying that I 'hate his mother'.

I told my husband that I am done with his mother and sister. I refuse to attend any functions or holidays were they will be present. If they come to our home, just let me know in advance and I’ll leave and he can have a nice visit. His mother has lost her overnight privileges here. I told him that he and the kids should continue to see them; but I’m DONE. I told him that if he chooses to visit his family, as he should, he will not suffer any repercussions from me.

I see this as the only solution, other than separating or divorcing. Do you have any advice at all for me? (My kids are 17 and 21.) We have been married for 25 years and dated/were engaged for 5 years.

My MIL passed away over the summer, unexpectedly. My SIL has become even more hostile to me, and has told the entire family and anyone else that will listen that I am horrendous person and any lie she can make up. On Christmas day, she was horribly rude to me, as were other in-laws. I am not allowed to speak a word in their presence now, apparently. My SIL asked me a question, I started to answer it, and she shouted at me that my husband had already told her and she didn't need to hear it from me. The rest of the day went like that until I just didn't say anything. My husband claims I am still 'overly sensitve'. He wants his family to vacation with us. I am so depressed. I am trying to get medication as I cry constantly. Is there any solution here? My husband refuses to confront his sister.
HAD IT IN OHIO