My parents love my sister-in-law more than they love me :-(

**asiangrace** · 01-16-2010 02:33 PM

This is kind of long...sorry for rambling but this has been bothering me so much.

My older brother has been married for four years. My sister-in-law and I are cordial but we're not good friends. We are completely different people and nothing about our personalities mesh. My sister-in-law is the epitome of what my parents have always wanted in a daughter. My family are Christians and super legalistic (meaning, they follow a bunch of rules in order to be a "good" Christian) I am a Christian as well, but choose to not live my life according to unneccesary rules. My parents hate this. My sister-in-law has followed every "rule" (wear modest clothes, read the Bible everyday, don't go to college, be a home maker, etc...) She was going to go to nursing school when she met my brother and my parents convinced her to drop out of school since "college is not a place for a woman". Yes, my parents are extremely old fashioned.

Anyways, I moved out of the house as soon as I turned 18. Lived on my own and am going to college. I have NEVER been in trouble financially, legally, socially, etc. I get good grades, am independent, in a stable and loving relationship, in good physical and mental and emotional health. I don't have kids, I've never been drunk, I've never tried drugs, I'm stable, etc.

I am so tired of hearing how wonderful my sister-in-law is. She is very sick physically, has some kind of disease that breaks down her immune system so she gets even more attention than I do. If I have even so much of a headache, my parents tell me it's because God's punishing me or something. But it's all "oh, poor her(sister in law) poor her, blah blah blah" and she is DOTED upon and so is my brother.

I am jealous and upset. It has been like this ever since she has come in to the family and my parents are angry at me that we never became friends. They tell me that I "just don't try".

Well, it's hard to be friends with a woman who my own parents love more. My parents don't even try to hide it.

Don't get me wrong, she's a very sweet person but not someone I can be friends with. We are friends on Facebook and get along okay but I just don't trust her. I know that a lot of what I say gets back to my parents.

My parents tell me that I need to "take after her example" WHAT EXAMPLE?? She dropped out of school, is involved in church, and married. I respect her choices, but I need more in life than that.

It's hard for me to be real with her because of the hurt my parents and rest of my family has caused me. They spread rumors and lies about my lifestyle and have turned several people against me. I don't want anything to do with them, but I hate it that my sister in law is favored over me.

My parents paid for my brother's wedding, I know that I won't even see a dime toward mine. My parents hate my boyfriend already because he isn't "in the religion".

I'm not sure what I'm looking for in posting this. Maybe somebody who has been in the same situation? Or some support or advice.

I love my family but have been hurt. Yet, I don't want to burn the bridge completely with them.

I will NEVER be the woman that my parents want me to be. They hate everything about my life. My attending college, living with my boyfriend, not married, not actively involved in a church (church is EVERYTHING to them), my career choice -- psychology... I could go on and on. I feel like they have set her as my par to reach and that I'll never amount to her in their eyes.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 01-16-2010 02:55 PM

(church is EVERYTHING to them),

Hun, truly religious people can not fathom anything, anyone that breaks that cycle in anyway shape or form.

Why they treat her the way they do is because "she fits into THEIR MOULD", the good girl, the church goer, religion.....

my career choice -- psychology..

We can't choice our parents, you have a mind of your own, you have dreams, plans, goals, choices and you have choosen to be you and NOT to be what your parents WANT.

Is that wrong?

No... It's what you have chosen to do, and rightly so, it's your body, your life, our parents bring us into this world and they are mean't to guide us to be the best that we can be, they have done that, look at where your heading? But, some parents are so stubborn and believe that because they have had us, they own us and we should turn out exactly the way THEY planned.

Not the case and you can't change their thought pattern if they are deeply religious and you can't be jealous of her because you wouldn't want to live that life and be like her, it's not your nature.

Whether you like it or not, all you can do is keep succeeding in your field, in your relationship, in your friendships, because ultimately this is your life and you are the one that has to be happy in it.

Deep down I would say your parents are very proud of you and your Mother may even herself, be a tad jealous of your rebeliousness, she herself may have wanted to do what you are doing, but couldn't due to her up-bringing.

Look at your grandparents and I would bet that they are like your parents, it's hard to break a chain, you have broken it and therefore, so will your children have done so.

Be you and don't worry about this as much as you are.

I left home at 16, I didn't meet up to what my parents wanted, either, I was rebelious as well, but at 25, My Mother was extremely proud of the way I turned out and I comforted them by stating " it was the way I was bought up, I may not be like you lot, but you instilled morals and guided me in the right direction, be proud".

One day you may be able to have that conversation yourself with your Mother, for now, live your life... It's yours.

CW

**yellowpiXi3** · 01-16-2010 11:51 PM

I am sorry to hear that. I think it's kind of sexiest that your parents don't believe in higher education for women, but oh well... to each their own

And that's it ... TO EACH THEIR OWN you live your life the way YOU want to. I suggest that you keep as little contact with your family. I think it would be better for you mentally. You can focus on you, school, your bf... etc etc. I would probably call on special occasions but don't go physically to your parents' house. The less you see them the better. And send b-day cards holiday cards etc. You should probably stay away until you can be comfortable with that situation.

Don't listen to any of the comparison.. you'll never think you will be good enough for anyone if they keep comparing you. Then you'll have insecurity issues... those aren't good.

Stay away from your parents until your done with school. If they try to get you to come over...just say you have to study, or doing to some school stuff.

**sperosi** · 01-17-2010 06:59 AM

i am so sorry about all that you are going through. we all want the love of our parents. what they are doing to you is wrong. i hate to say this, but some distance may be the best thing for you

**cntstndthnws** · 04-30-2010 08:01 AM

My situation is very similar to yours, but without the religion factor. My parents love my sister in law to pieces. She is perfect in every way... She's pretty, smart, kind, etc. etc. etc... Me, well, not pretty, I'm smart, but they don't see that at all, I'm kind, but they can't see that either, and I really really love them, but they have obviously lost that for me too..

So as my sister in law is perfect, my parents gush over her every time they see her.. I have realized that although I am certainly jealous that I can be treated like I don't exist, but they treat her like she is the greatest thing since sliced bread, my problem is actually with them, not her. She didn't do this, they did.

My parents hate me because I am a single mom.. My child's father left before my child was born. My parents, especially my dad, have never really been the same since they found out I was going to be a mother.

My dad lives about 10 minutes from my house, and not only does he ignore the fact I am his daughter, I am very sure he wouldn't stop to spit on me if I were on fire. I am just like him too which is pretty strange since he hates me so much..

My mom, well, she is sadly living in la-la land. She believes that if she doesn't address the situation, it will just go away.. I have screamed to her, cried to her, begged her, talked to her, everything I know how to do in order to get her to try and help me with my dad. She blames me for everything, and then refuses to discuss it further and basically tells me that everything is my fault anyway because I didn't do anything the way they wanted me to..

So, that is my story. As far as my advise to you.... You have to try to find a way to let them (your parents) go.. You need to place your concentration onto your life, your boyfriend, your wishes, hopes and dreams. You need to realize that your parents are never going to change, and therefore, you are the one that must choose happiness.

I have basically let my father go. I haven't talked to him for over 3 years.. I ended it with a letter to him explaining that I love him more than life, I want him in my life, I miss him, and I dream of the day he will want to talk to me. So now, I am free. The ball is in his court. I left the door open for him to walk through if he wishes..

Is it hard? Uh--- Yes, it is brutally hard. I miss my family and I know that I will never be a part of them.. But, at least I can go to bed at night knowing they know how I feel, and knowing that I gave them my best. If that is not good enough for them, well, frankly, that is their problem..

Good luck to you~ and keep your chin up. You deserve better, and it sounds you have better with your boyfriend.. Stick with that and you will be fine, parents or no parents...

**AnneHathaway** · 04-30-2010 10:45 PM

There has probably been more hurt and stupidity committed in the name of religion, I'll tell you.

I was in this exact situation, only with my sibling (deceased), not my SIL. I can't tell you what to do, just share how I handled it.

I stood up for myself and put my foot down. I told my parents that I was sick of being compared and criticized, that it was going to stop, that I am who I am and I like & am proud of me. Tell them the truth...that they are engaging in behaviors that true Christians avoid.

As hurtful as it would be, if they cut off contact with you because of it, then that's not love. Witholding affection and approval because you don't act or dress a certain way is not love. And it would be their loss.

With my parents, it had a good outcome...we are friends now, and they hadn't realized the depth of the hurt and pain they had caused me.

You sound like you really have it pulled together, so don't look to your family for validation (although they should give it automatically because you are their daughter)

Live your life and be proud of who you are and what you stand for.

**BasketCase** · 05-01-2010 07:38 AM

Don't be jealous. I know that's easier said then done but you have no reason to be. Your pretty, attending collage, and a good person. Things most girls aspire to be. They will either come around eventually or they will disown you. Either way it says more about them than you. You are there daughter. If they can't accept you for who you are then your never going to be able to make them. I have this motto

If your not being yourself, then you will never know if someone loves you. If they love you for who you are pretending to be, then they don't love you.

And you can block her from seeing your facebook posts. Just a thought.

**jns** · 05-02-2010 05:32 AM

Becoming successful and having a great life will be best for you. That will make it hard for them to keep up the front that only traditional values are the right ones and they will eventually come around.

**grrrr** · 05-02-2010 07:55 AM

You haven't done anything wrong. Just because you don't life by the bible in the way that your parents do doesn't mean that you're wrong or bad.

Have you ever thought that maybe b/c you're more "progressive" they just might not understand where you're coming from? You're kind of jumping out of the "comfort zone" that you're used to? I'm not trying to say that it's right or wrong of them to feel intimidated by it, but maybe they are.

I think that you need to continue on your path, and continue to look outside of your family.... Once you remove yourself from that "circle" - you'll see that you're totally fine.

I also don't think that your parents love the sister-in-law more than you - perhaps that just relate to her religious stuff more.... and that she's sick, perhaps they just have concern for her health.

I know that this is totally not even helpful - it totally stinks that they don't like your boyfriend - you've made the decision not to be under the thumb of your religious background - until your parents learn to accept it, it might be tough.

FYI, getting marriend isn't about a lavish ceremony - and I know that you get that. It's about two people who love one another who make vows to love, honor and RESPECT one another.

Oh, and making sure that you get gifts! HAHAA - that was a joke! Though it is a nice perk....