How to "live my life" and make parents happy simultaneously...??

**Mes T** · 01-17-2010 04:00 PM

Long story short, I'm an only child, my parents are super attached to me, and they're currently in the US while I'm temporarily teaching in Korea.

When I talked to them on the phone last night I got the distinct impression that they were DESPERATE for me to not only come home but to STAY home, in the same country at the very least. They've never been the type to give me freebies of any kinds, making me work for everything I have, but recently that's gone out the window as their desperation to be with me has increased. They've promised tons of help with finding a good job back home as well as a new car...

All very unlike them.

Yes, I could live in the States and be happy. But for the moment I feel like I really want to experience working in other countries, at least for another year... or two... Maybe more? Add to that that my wonderful boyfriend is from New Zealand and probably would have a tough time following me to the States.

My friends would tell me to just "live my life" the way I want it because it's "mine," but I feel like because I'm an only child, it's not that simple for me. My parents are such wonderful people, have had a lot of tough times, but always did everything they could for me. Should I give up my desire to travel and do all these other things, should I consider ending my relationship with my boyfriend, and should I move back home to make them happy??

Sigh.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 01-17-2010 04:10 PM

New Zealand is well, sort of part of Aussie Land

, If he loves you and loves travelling he'll be fine in the State, all-be-it that it is so, totally different than Australia/NZ, so different.

Take that aside, they are getting older yes? So, their fear of never seeing you again may be the reason for all of this.

Take time out to speak to them more frequently. I am sure they admire what you are doing but they are probably 1) in need of love from their family, you being the only one, as children go and 2) feeling the pinch of age and fear.

Off course, unfortunately, you should do all you desire in your life and I bet they really understand that.

Can you actually save and visit them each year? That may help them further.

It's your life love, communicate more and more with them, share your ventures, your try umps and tell them you love them.

Don't ditch what your doing and your boyfriend... As, hard as it is, that's not what you want and will only sadden you...

CW

**sperosi** · 01-17-2010 04:26 PM

i have kind of the same opinion, but maybe a bit of a different slant and let me give you a different example that brought it home to me about living life.

i have a friend, well former friend, who wasnt an only child, and in fact has two older siblings, one boy and one girl. she only has ever lived more than 30 miles away from her parents, with the exception of 4 years of college in another state. her main focus has always to be near her parents and to start a family while she could. i have heard her complain about how her older siblings have moved away and arent around for her parents etc.

well, fast forward to the late 30s and she is in a job she hates, unable to have children naturally, and has never taken and trips of any real length anywhere else in the world on her own.

at a very young age she put being near her parents first, and now that she is older, not in a position to really have any exotic experiences or build the kind of exciting memories that one carries for a life time.

i know your parents love you and miss you terribly. but unless it looks like either one of them only has 3 months left, you need to go and build your own memories of a lifetime. one or two or even four years in new zealand isnt forever, and will bring you experiences and adventure you might never be able to have at home.

if you dont already use it, i suggest setting up some IM with video software on your computer and help to get it set up for your parents. live messenger and skype are the two that come to mind first. i believe that there is even a stand alone device made by asus for skype that has video embedded into it. this way you can talk with and see them on a daily basis.

also mention to them that they could come and see you for a few weeks at a time. plan on having them come when you can take some extended time off and make some special memories for all three (or four if + BF) of you.

just me, but i have regrets for not having done stuff like that when I was able and provided the opportunity.

**Airmans Sweetie** · 01-17-2010 10:04 PM

ok i have a similar situation but only i'm in the usa & so in my family. i won't go into all the details but i will tell u wat i have figured out. i thought & thought about it, go back to texas (home & family) after my hubby's term is up or go to the florida to live for a while. i have decided if my hubby has a job lined up for florida, then florida it is. even if he has a job available to him in texas, florida will still win. heres y, u need to do wat is going to make u happy. if u don't u r always going to regret that u didn't do it. u r always going to wonder wat if! i know that ur parents miss u, but at the same time.....don't give up ur dreams. one more year won't hurt. that's my opinion, coming form someone who stands in sorta the same shoes

**sourpuss** · 01-18-2010 07:39 AM

I think if you live your life and you are a good person, happy and successful...eventually your parents will be happy for you. You only get one life...and it's short. And even shorter is your youth.

Go out, live your life for you and stay in contact with your parents. Visit when you can. And don't let anyone (including your parents) tell you how to live.

just my two cents

**pretzel** · 01-19-2010 08:25 AM

Isn't there a question of perception?

From other threads, Mes is in a relationship that at times hasn't been the best. Being that she's pretty close to her parents, isn't (and coming from a parent of young adults) wanting to protect one's children from harm a parents top priority?

Maybe it's not so much wanting to live her own life, but more of a parent wanting their children to happy and safe?

**Ros2007** · 01-19-2010 08:40 AM

I'm totally for living your life and all that but living my life personally means being with family. My mother is a very clingy person and I'm not an only child If I lived in another country she would freak! But so would I. My mother and father and I have a very strong relationship and I charish it very
much. Personally I wouldn't be able to completely enjoy myself being so far away from them. Anyways my whole point is it's your decision completely and everyones relationship with their parents is different. You have to weigh out your options. Would you be happier teaching where you are or going back to the states simply to be close to your parents.
I see many people have the opinion that life is short and live your life. And that's 100% true. The thing is live your short life away from your loved ones or beside them.?

**am_1986** · 05-11-2010 11:13 PM

I think if your life is the way you want it now, then you live YOUR own life. Your parents have lived theirs and now it's your turn. You cannot live the life that someone else wants you to live!

It's your life not theirs...BE HAPPY as much as possible xoxoxo

**eleni** · 05-12-2010 02:13 PM

i do see where you're coming from
its difficult because you're trying to find yourself and trying to keep your old life working too.

i think that you should do what *you* want to do
but keep in touch a lot more with your parents, write them letters, call them, make them feel involved in your travels.
that way they wont feel like they're losing you.

i think that they'd be horrified to hear that you're thinking of giving up all the things that you've worked for solely to make them happy.
most parents want their children to enjoy their lives and be safe
i dont imagine that yours are much different.

how old are they if you dont mind me asking?
my family are completely different to yours by the sound of things
but i think its pretty natural as people get older to worry more and i think you need to have a frank discussion about it with them.
is it that you're in korea? is that the problem? could you teach somewhere else?
have they been out to visit you? are they in a position to do that? if they are then that could be good.
cos my parents are pretty much nomads but they like to have a sense of where i am in the world so they can imagine me there if that makes sense?
my nan was the same when we were living in singapore
she wanted to be able to imagine her daughter there and know what she was talking about when she phoned.

dont give up your dreams to make somebody else happy
but try and include them as much as possible
so that they still feel that they're sharing in your life

x

**stressed** · 05-13-2010 05:47 PM

Your parents will always miss you, whether you live on the other side of the world, or down the block. They always want you to be happy and is what makes them happy too. It's just that they miss you a lot and you are so special to them that they can never have enough of you. Also, all parents worry about their children moving to another country, a different culture, having a boyfriend from another country and so on. They want the best for you and want you to be sure that you get that with the decisions you make.

Maybe they have doubts about how much happy you are over there, hence them telling you about finding you a job in the States. Maybe they feel you went to Korea because you thought you had no other option. It can be anything. But what matters is for you to be happy with your decisions. Your parents will always want you as close as possible, you have to take that for granted no matter how old you may be. But going back just for your parents will not make you happy and they won't be happy to know that they got in the way of your dreams.

You can make them happy by being happy yourself, you don't have to live nearby to do that. Try to visit them at least once a year (or use a webcam!).

I know people who had a life abroad and returned for their parents (some were ill, others were just sad) and they've all regretted it. I know only children who moved to another country and stayed there for 30+ years. It's not easy, there are times when you also miss them a lot and would like to be able to just drive down to them, but you've got to have your own life.