Mother in law had photo of fiance & his ex

**stressed** · 01-19-2010 06:57 AM

So we went to his parents for coffee around Xmas and there I saw a 10 year old photo of my fiance with his ex (and MiL's grandchildren as babies in between them). I went home, told my fiance that it was hurtful, said he understood and then the next time we visited them he told her that I wasn't happy about the photo (she still had it there the second time). She said she hadn't seen it and that her grandchild must have put it there. The last time I visited her she had switched it.

The thing is, how could she not have seen it, when right it's in the bathroom in an obvious place, and if she did see it what was she thinking. It's enough that this woman is in the family already, and that the MiL wears their old engagement ring every day, or that I've seen old photos of them having sex, I don't need to see a framed photo of them together As Well...

Just venting here, but I'm starting to have enough of that. Her name comes up almost every time I'm there since she's in the family and I just get frustrated, as if they don't respect me, no matter how nicely they treat me. Months ago MiL even called bf on the cell phone to say that she's just had a baby with her current bf. Why on earth would we want to know what she's doing in her life, good riddance all together. I don't even want to visit that place anymore, they never visit us anyway.

One day I'll just take the MiL aside and tell her everything once and for all.

**caterpillar79** · 01-19-2010 07:08 AM

Originally Posted by stressed

One day I'll just take the MiL aside and tell her everything once and for all.

Good plan!

I hope you could build a "strong" rapport prior to this event. This could possibly make or unmake your "friendship", sweetie, proceed cautiously.

While it is obvious that your MiL had developed a bond with her, I also see it disrespectful of your feelings if she keeps posting/showing photos of the ex. if the grandkids she wants to see in the photo, maybe your man could blow up one and have that up instead.

Be strong, girl. You'll weather the storm for sure.

**Sprite** · 01-19-2010 07:11 AM

I agree with Cat!!

She should respect you and your feelings. It's obvious it gets to you, and she removed the photo, but the need for her to still be brought up in conversations is not right.
What does your fiance have to say about this?

**Ros2007** · 01-19-2010 07:17 AM

Ok so I can absolutely see where u are coming from. My bfs mom and family for that matter bring up his ex all the time and it drives me super crazy! His mother goes as far as bragging about how
much she liked her (his ex). Honestly makes me want to hit her lol. But what I'm getting at is that as long as u and ur man are in a loving relationship and trust eachother u shouldn't let it get u down.

What kind of relationship do u have with ur mother in law??

**WildChild** · 01-19-2010 07:22 AM

The ex is the mother of his children and as such will have some place in his family forever. That photo has pictures of her grandchildren and she has every right to keep it and have it where she can see it. Granted wearing the ring is a bit odd. She's not the one with the pics of them having sex? She isn't responsible for you seeing those or your reaction to them. (that would leave me a bit nonplussed too)

I will grant you that bringing her up in conversation in front of you, unless it's related to the children, is insensitive. But think about it, calling to tell your bf that his ex has had a baby by another man, is hardly an attempt to get them back together. Well, if it were, it would be an odd one.

If you are going to marry this man you will be dealing with his mother for many years. He isn't responsible for her behavior, she is his mother and he loves her. Putting him between a rock and a hard place with the two of you ultimately won't do you any good. It does sound like he is understanding of your feelings, he did talk to her about the old photo. Can you take the high road on this? When she starts talking about the ex, deflect her, just say something like, "that's nice, I'm glad she's doing well. How is your garden doing this year?"

How about getting a nice photo done with you and your sweetie and the kids and giving it to her?

**caterpillar79** · 01-19-2010 07:29 AM

Originally Posted by WildChild

The ex is the mother of his children and as such will have some place in his family forever. That photo has pictures of her grandchildren and she has every right to keep it and have it where she can see it. Granted wearing the ring is a bit odd. She's not the one with the pics of them having sex? She isn't responsible for you seeing those or your reaction to them. (that would leave me a bit nonplussed too)

I will grant you that bringing her up in conversation in front of you, unless it's related to the children, is insensitive. But think about it, calling to tell your bf that his ex has had a baby by another man, is hardly an attempt to get them back together. Well, if it were, it would be an odd one.

If you are going to marry this man you will be dealing with his mother for many years. He isn't responsible for her behavior, she is his mother and he loves her. Putting him between a rock and a hard place with the two of you ultimately won't do you any good. It does sound like he is understanding of your feelings, he did talk to her about the old photo. Can you take the high road on this? When she starts talking about the ex, deflect her, just say something like, "that's nice, I'm glad she's doing well. How is your garden doing this year?"

How about getting a nice photo done with you and your sweetie and the kids and giving it to her?

What WC said.

**Ros2007** · 01-19-2010 07:32 AM

Agreeing with wildchild on this for sure

**stressed** · 01-19-2010 10:22 AM

Oh, no, the ex doesn't have children with my man at all, she's just the sister of my bf's sister's husband (complicated). The children in the picture were the children of bf's sister when they were babies and my bf was with the ex at the time. The MiL already has a ton of photos of those children so I don't think she'd specifically want those as well. Besides they literally grow up with her as they live nearby and visit daily. The reason she brings up the ex often is either to say "what a tough life she has without much money, poor girl" or "what a messy gf she was" or "I don't like how she's changed men so quickly after my son and now she even has a baby with one of them without being married".

Bf says that his parents never liked her while they were together and that they love me a lot, they treat me as if they were my own parents (well, at least in a typical way) and I don't really have any complaints other than they never visit or call or that the mom brings up the ex from time to time.

But you know, when she goes "oh poor girl, I knew her mom, how difficult it must be for her with money problems" I get frustrated because I honestly don't care. But I can't tell her that, can I, I'd be the 'mean' one then. But of course I always change the subject in a nice manner.

My fiance says I should ignore that and that it's just 'old people's behaviour'. He doesn't talk with his ex at all, even when we meet her randomly with our friends, or at the super market. He wants nothing to do with her and he can understand why I want nothing to do with her either, which is excellent.

Once during an argument I brought up the photo incident to him and he said "what, are you calling my mom a b*tch now?", but he understands the feeling so we have no reason to argue about it. And of course I'm not calling his mom a b*tch, I like her a lot, but come on...

I'm just not very keen on visiting his parents anymore, I do all the work to keep in touch with them and what I get in return after 3 years is a photo of him and the ex... thanks guys. I just found it very disrespectful towards me and I'm not particularly forgiving. If she wants to have a photo of the sister of her daughter's husband she might as well have it separately, but not with my man right next to her. Did I even say that she has absolutely no picture of me in the house? It's been 3 years, I think I deserve to be somewhere, don't I...

**WildChild** · 01-19-2010 10:29 AM

Well this does give it a little different complextion. I didn't realise the kids weren't your bfs. Could she possibly think she is supporting you with these comments? Odd as it may sound, they do seem to be angled and pointing out that the ex really lost out and isn't that great.

I still think the two of you (you and bf that is) should have a nice pic framed and give it to her.

**KMonte85** · 01-19-2010 10:41 AM

So if understand you correctly - the ex is mom's son in law's sister... so really she is family still - even if no longer with the ex. Yes, this is complicated BUT....

She's mom's grandchildren's aunt.

She's mom's daughter's sister-in-law.

She's your fiance's brother-in-law's sister.

So really, eventually if you and the fiance get married, she will be your sister-in-law's sister-in-law.

And she is probably involved with the family, at least with your fiance's sister and the kids. So if she is involved with that, she is involved with your fiance's mom. She's not just some tag-about stranger who is clinging, and your fiance's mom isn't just making idle conversation about her son's ex. She's making conversation about her daughter's sister in law.

Maybe it is just me, but I consider my sister-in-law's sisters, parents, etc to be part of the family. They are at many family functions, and yes- My parents do have pictures of them in their home as well.

I think you're being too sensitive that your fiance and this woman used to have a relationship. It doesn't sound like anyone is bringing her up because she is the ex, it sounds like they are bringing her up because she is a part of the family and her money problems and hard life are a concern for the family.

You keep seeing her as "THE EX," but you're probably the only one, and I don't think its worth punishing your future in-laws and future husband because they like to keep a relationship with someone who is linked to the family. I see no reason to be upset, angry, or resentful for the pictures in her house. Especially if they're expressing pity for her hard life, and if you have no other problems with your fiance or his parents. It seems silly to create a rift over something like this.

And if you want to see more pictures of yourself in her home, go get some taken and give them to her as a gift!