My Mother Hates me.

**LoveLifeSadnessEtc** · 01-19-2010 04:15 PM

Be warned...this could be a long one, there's a lot of history involved here. This goes back so many years that I don't really remember a time when it wasn't like this. I just hope that someone out there will understand it, no matter who you are, just someone, please.

I was six years old when it all started, my parents split and my Dad left. From then on it all started, every little thing I did was wrong no matter how hard I tried. She started to shout, scream and put me down for every little thing I did that she percieved to be wrong. The worst thing was I couldn't tell anyone because I thought that kind of thing was normal! I thought that kind of behaviour was the done thing! Even at the age of six her favourite insult was 'You're just like your Father', she would give me the silent treatment for days at a time if she wasn't screaming in my face.

Soon after my seventh birthday I was diagnosed with Epilepsy and was so unstable that I would be in hospital up to 8 or more times a month. I remember being in a hospital bed with her looking down at me like I was diseased. She let them do painful and instrusive tests for other health issues I had and didn't give a if it left me traumatised, in pain and unable to sleep at night. She's never been able to not have a man in her life, soon after this she got my now ex stepfather into the picture. Around him and everyone else she was a completely different person, a nice person, not the monster I was growing up with behind closed doors. When he started abusing me when she wasn't around I didn't say anything for so long, when I finally couldn't take it anymore and tried to tell her...she called me a liar and sided with him.

I was getting bullied at school too so I was constantly covered in bruises from kids in the playground and the man who was supposed to be a father figure to me at home. I became withdrawn, quiet but I kept my mouth shut about it all. Everything, my childhood was stolen from me.

My Mother's anger grew as I did, she saw it fit to use further intimidation to keep me down. If I didn't act like the perfect daughter at all times I heard about it as soon as we were alone. I grew to be completely terrified of her, I would completely break down into floods of tears when she shouted at me and that would make it worse. But I couldnt help it. Along with the abuse from my ex stepfather by the time I hit 16 I tried to commit suicide by overdose.

I failed at it and she called me 'Ungrateful' for even trying it and cried to Mummy and Daddy for sympathy about how she was the perfect mother and I was the imperfect one. She had me put on pills that made me sick continually and everything felt like it was slowed down. By the time I was nearly 18 I had pretty much given up hope and for one moment I thought she gave a ...my ex stepfather pushed me down the stairs and hope and sent me to hospital. She kicked him out and I thought she was protecting me for once in her life but it turned out she had another man lined up anyway. She only shows herself to be who she really is infront of me and it's destroying me from the inside out, I spend my days tiptoeing around her emotions and I'm desperate to get out. I'm trying to find a decent enough job in my Make up Artistry to get a place of my own, if I don't get out I'm going to suffocate and if I try to tell people about this they take her side, they always take her side and it's always my fault.

Please, please someone just hear me out and know what she really is like, just as long as I know I'm not alone in this knowledge that I grew up and still live with someone who wears a kind mask but is a monster beneath the surface.

Thank you for reading.

**sperosi** · 01-19-2010 04:51 PM

i do understand what you are going through, but not exactly the same circumstances.

I too am the child of divorced parents, and as I said in another post in another thread, an awful lot of their fighting and arguing and actions didnt hurt each other, it hurt me and my sibling.

we both heard everything from you have your mothers temper, you have your fathers stupidity, you have your mothers bad manners, to you smell like your father.

i am not a mental health professional, but it does sound like she took out her hurt or whatever she felt from your father leaving out on you. we took a lot of grief from both parents as well, but not to the extreme you did.

i am so sorry this happened to you. it is without question that what happened to you is wrong.

**LoveLifeSadnessEtc** · 01-19-2010 04:57 PM

Thank you, thank god someone actually said it was wrong, you can't understand how much that means to me.

**sperosi** · 01-19-2010 06:18 PM

oh you are more than welcome. of course it is wrong, and a lot of other people will think so too.

i do want you to consider one thing though, and this will be hard...

despite how horrible your mother treated you, I am sure there must have been some care or loving in her heart for you. there are oh so many people who have underlying feelings of affection, but just dont know how to express them properly.

i know that when my SO and I had our first, i saw glimpses of my parents in me at times and it scared me. it wasnt because in my heart i felt the same way, it was because it was what i was used to seeing.

one time about 11 years or so ago my uncle and aunt (his sister, not wife) came to visit us. after spending some time with us and the kids, he actually pulled me aside and said he was amazed at what a good parent i was, and that he didnt know how i could have become that way based on the environment where i grew up, and some of the behaviors he saw from me when i was young.

i guess what I am saying is that maybe your mother might have experienced something similar, and didnt how to act any different. doesnt excuse her behavior though.

you are ok. none of it is your fault in any what whatsoever. it was very very wrong, and i hope you keep it as a learning experience and use it to be a better parent than she was able to be.

**Little** · 01-19-2010 08:04 PM

I take great solace in the idea that there are mothers who don't want to be loved.
Everybody says "You should love your mother. You can't hate her." They have no idea what it's like to have been utterly disappointed by the people who are supposed to love and support you, especially when you are a loving and impressionable child.
RUN. Run in the opposite direction. Move out. Move in with a friend, a friend's parents, whatever. I guarantee you the moment you get out and stop allowing her to run you over, others will begin realizing she has a problem. That you have been right. That they have been wrong.
And you will be free.

**WildChild** · 01-19-2010 08:14 PM

Yes sweetie, you need to get out as soon as you can. Is there anyone you can go to? Your mother has serious problems. If you can get into counseling, it will help to have a non-involved person to talk to and they may be able to suggest avenues for healing.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 01-19-2010 09:21 PM

We're hearing you loud and clear....

Even if she was spiteful over your Dad, there's no excuse.

Even if her childhood was simular, there is no excuse.

It's abuse through and through as well as a tad "evil" in my opinion and her loser men is why she keeps going for me, as she located men in her life that don't stay and have feel they can abuse, I imagine they have abused her too.

In that, sperosi is saying and I agree at one point in your life as two "Adults" you will truly be able to heal because at one point, you will confront her and no longer fear her and let her know everything you ever felt, don't be suprised if she crys and tells you she's been dished with the same and still is...

For now though, you follow those dreams of yours because you will have a place and a job just as you desire, you've got spirit and that's one thing people can not break totally.

Remember that and go forward and be happy in your life, it's yours now to live, your an Adult.

Thank you for sharing it all with us..

CW

**Mes T** · 01-19-2010 09:36 PM

I agree with everyone who said to GET AWAY and as quickly as possible. Your childhood may have been stolen, but don't let her get an OUNCE of your precious adult life.

And get a professional involved. I'm surprised social services didn't come round during your childhood.

**LoveLifeSadnessEtc** · 01-20-2010 11:16 AM

Trust me I'm doing my best to get out. I've been to appointments all week and even have a photoshoot for Toni and Guy lined up which I'm doing the make up for. I'm good at hiding how bad everything is at home...I have had many years of practise at it.

I spent years being angry with her, I wanted to hurt her and get even, make her suffer but now I just feel sad and when I got yelled at three times just this morning it does nothing for my self esteem. She'll shout at me for Trivial things, like what spoon I eat cereal with or my expressions even if they are not directed at her. She says 'You make me so angry!' and has threatened to hit me herself just last week.

Nearly everyone who's supposed to love me seems to like making me suffer.

I'm doing all I can here, building a career from scratch but the added pressure of tiptoeing around my mother's moods is making me ill again, I'm not sleeping well and I've lost my appetite...

**pretzel** · 01-20-2010 11:34 AM

I hope and pray that you have friends that would take you in temporarily. That would be the best thing right now.

Please I hope you understand that this isn't of your doing.

Also, from your earlier post, it sounds like you're over 18. Just remember that legally (at least in most states) you're considered an adult. Take that into consideration that if you confront her about leaving, she could do it for you.

I really wish you the best and hope this resolves itself quickly.

We don't get to chose our parents.