Moved back closer to ex

**lilylavendar** · 03-01-2010 10:07 PM

Well, you are right about the feelings about my own dad. I'm definitely feeling loss in that area. My grandmother also passed away about 8 months after. That has left some extra responsibilty in my life as my grandfather is elderly, and there is no on else left. I've been strong for so long. But right now I'm drained, and I've been sick the past week. It seems like I can't get my energy back. It's like every last vitamin/mineral has been sucked from my body. I'm having to step back and really look at what is going on in my life right now, and make sure I'm making the healthiest choices for myself and the kids. This move I made was hard, and it's something that is going to have to take some more work. At the same time, I just want to just let it go and see what happens with it. But I sit and try to analyze everything to much. And I guess that's causing me anxiety. And so a pattern is developing. And I don't know how to solve it.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 03-02-2010 02:07 AM

I think your at a cross roads. Your even viewing "someone else being in your kitchen" after all these years, that is evident it would occur.

But, you personally, are holding back on moving on, on finding you on life, on obsticles, on hurdles, on adventure, happiness, love, the whole lot whereby the ex looks appealing again.

Deaths, injuries in family on top is more negative, your in a negative mode, because you haven't worked out how to get into a positive one.

You have to get out of this rut and find you and all that you are and what you want and what you like and want out of life for YOU and go for it.

CW

**lilylavendar** · 03-04-2010 08:59 PM

you're right!
my kids are miserable at this new school.
we're moving back to where we were, and doing something different. i've been miserable and i can't take it anymore. i'm not going to be with my ex. he's still a jerk. i can see that now more than ever. i can see the reasons why i left. and i can see a whole lot more. i don't know why it's taken so long to resolve this for myself. i know it's not done. but i'm outta here. i can't stay where i am. it's too close to my ex. i started having bad dreams. and anxiety. and it just seems like a big red flag. i feel like i've been stupid. luckily i have a place to go back to. i had a great landlord. i spoke with him today and he was more than happy to give me back my old place, since it hadn't rented out. now i'm trying to be stronger. i feel like i'm leaving the relationship again, and that scares me. i don't like it at all. i feel like if i don't leave soon, something bad is going to happen. so i'm packing up now. and moving by next week. i have some help, and a truck. so here i go again. but this time, i'm going to stay where i was at. i thought moving down here to help my grandpa out was a good gesture, but it turns out he, and some of my other family are happy i'm going to go back to where i was at. i guess they could sense something too.

**sperosi** · 03-05-2010 02:44 AM

go with your gut, it's usually right. hope the move back works well for you and that the ex doesnt give you too much grief about it.

and remember, it isnt about him or you. its about the kids!

**lilylavendar** · 03-05-2010 07:10 AM

thank you.
I know I'm doing the right thing. I feel sad that the situation is the way it is. My ex has health problems, and I know he is drinking again. I smelled it on him recently. And he is not suppose to be doing that, not just because of alcoholism, buy he has medical issues where he shouldn't be drinking. It's a heartbreaking situation. I have a big heart, but I can't go back to that. I'm not going to put myself and the kids in a potentially bad situation. From a distance it looked okay. He seemed to be functioning all right for several years now. With the exception of some medical issues. It just seems complicated, but now that I'm closer I can see that he has been hiding things that are going on in his life that are not healthy. My daughter doesn't want to see him now, I suppose she has picked up on his behavior from her last visit with him. I don't talk bad about him, to the kids, or anyone around me. So they don't have a negative image about him, except for what they remembered on their own. I'm ready to move on. I want to find someone to be with. Someone that is stable and would also like to be a father figure for the kids. I think they need that. Their dad is just not able to provide that for them. I have a friend from high school, I've been friends with for awhile. He was interested in having a relationship with me, but I just wasn't ready. I guess moving down here, I needed to do that for myself. Or I would have been wondering how it might have been later on if I hadn't. He is a great guy. Has a steady job, is a hard worker. Goes to church sometimes. That's where I ran into him again. We've been friends for about 2 years now. But we haven't been out on a date. The kids like him. And have been around him at church. I guess I've been afraid to do anything, having been grieving over losses, and mulling over the past. This is all coming to light now, as I am here typing away. Going back over what I am saying, and what is going on in my life. I feel sad. Like I'm burying someone again. I guess I never did deal with my divorce like I should have. I thought I did, but I guess that's what is going on now. All along here I go, trying to keep my head up. I love my kids. I tell them that everyday. I hug them alot. But I know deep down they're missing out on some things, that maybe a step-dad could give. I never thought about getting married again. But I just may be up to that.

**sperosi** · 03-06-2010 02:30 AM

just be careful about rebounding, or jumping into something again too quick!

kinda reads like that might be happening, or about to happen.

**lilylavendar** · 03-07-2010 09:19 PM

oh, i can see that. i'm not in that much of a hurry. i realize there is so much involved. sometimes i press on the gas pedal and spin the tires a little. but i'm still in the same place. i know i need to do something different. i don't know why i'm having a hard time with that.

**sperosi** · 03-08-2010 05:13 AM

because its easy to do the same thing, even when it isnt the best for us, instead of doing something different and new.

**lilylavendar** · 03-08-2010 06:14 AM

i realize now, i'm afraid of my ex more than ever. my anxiety has hit the roof. even though i'm trying not to show it. i didn't sleep last night. along with having trouble the night before. it makes me mad that he is still having this effect on my emotions. it's not fair. i'm sure he sleeps like a baby. being down here has just triggered feelings of the past. i thought i dealt with them, but i guess they never really go away. all these years now. i feel stupid, even though i'm not, and vulnerable right now. but i know i'm strong. and i can get through this. i feel like if i stayed here, he would claw me up and drag me down with him, to a place i don't ever want to go back to. i can see the last few weeks especially, the way he manipulates, and tries to make people feel guilty and sorry for him. i'm not falling for it. i don't know what is going to happen after i move. but i am going to go back to counseling. i went to therapy many years ago when i left him. but i can see i need some more support and feedback now. writing here is helping, i just don't want to sound like i am whining.