Moved back closer to ex

**lilylavendar** · 02-05-2010 06:59 AM

This is the first time I've posted here. I think I've re-typed this post three times. It seems that when I'm done reading it I want to erase everything that has happened the last 10 years of my life.

I feel like a bad mom, even though I'm not one. I love my children. We recently moved back closer to their dad, after almost 8 years. My ex had a very bad drinking problem that revealed itself after out second child was very young. Bad things happened, and we left.

I have custody of the children. He stayed drunk for about 4 years. And has been sober for the last 4 years. But he has slowly built a relationship back with the kids the last 2-3 years. They love him. And he loves them. And he has told me he was sorry for the things that happened, and I've accepted that.

I know that he has tried really hard to be a better dad in the last few years, so I decided to move closer, and make it easier for him to visit/have them over more ofter. But the kids are having a hard time adjusting to school. And I'm having anxiety now. I try not to think about the past, even though I've forgiven him. Moving has definitely triggered that.

I'm trying so hard to just keep myself strong, emotionally, physically and spiritually. This is all new. I know in my heart, it will be a good thing. I know it was time for some healing on the situation.

After losing my own dad last year, I realized how important it is for the kids to have their dad more in their life. My relationship with my dad and I wasn't very healthy at times in my life. I'm glad that I had some peace with him, before he died in a car accident. When you lose someone that way, it can just happen at anytime. It's not like when someone was a long term illness. And you can reflect and talk together.

I came to realize after that happened, I really wanted that for my kids. To be able to have something to remember. More positive things. A better relationship with their dad.

I've mustered up some strength inside, that I didn't know I had. And just made the decision to do it. And I don't regret it. It is definitely looking like a new chapter in my life. I feel alot more open-minded, even though I'm dealing with some anxiety.

Looking back, anxiety originated from childhood experiences, especially at night time. So the stress of moving, has triggered alot that I've already dealt with so much. Some things I know I'll never forget. But I have forgiven. I really hope deep down this was the right thing.

I'm second guessing myself alot now. But after seeing my ex's face, and hearing how happy he was to have us closer, that has made it easier. We definitely have a different relationship now. One that is more understanding. I thought that would never be again. I still love him and care for him.

So moving closer has triggered feelings of the past that were good times. And I haven't thought about that in a very long time. I don't want to make it about me and him. It is about the kids. He hasn't said to much about us, but he did say we started out friends, and he would like to have it be that way now. And I agreed with that.

I feel like I'm on a roller coaster ride that exits the park to somewhere new.

**sperosi** · 02-05-2010 10:26 AM

be cautious, but dont fight it too hard.

even in messy divorces and failed relationships, i believe that each person still has something in their heart for the other person.

if he has really changed his ways, and is trying his best to be a good father and a good friend to you, it's a gift any one of us would be lucky to have.

dont react too quickly, dont be too quick to dismiss things either. let things just happen and see where it leads. maybe it wont go any further, and you end up with being nothing more than amicable with your ex. nowadays being able to have that kind of relationship is HUGE, for the two of you and the kids.

who knows, if you let things just happen maybe the two of you can end up closer than you have ever been. something else many of us would be lucky to have.

**lilylavendar** · 02-05-2010 09:16 PM

Thank you.
I'm just taking a moment to breathe right now. And I am being very cautious. I don't think that part of me will ever change.
I guess if I've left myself open, I may or may not have to lick some more wounds. I hope not. I'm not seeking anything from him. Emotionally, etc....
So we'll just see if he is going to hold up on his end on being the dad.
Right now in my life I'm also about trying to do things differently. And being patient. I know that doesn't always turn out the way we would like it to be, but I'm trying. I realize I've neglected myself along the way. I've been so focused on the kids, I've got to find a better balance. I love them, but sometimes I forget to be good to myself. And that is hard for me. I've started exercising again. Slowly, but it seems to be helping me to rest a little bit better at night. I'm glad I've found a way to get these thoughts out, and get some feedback. It's so hard to see myself, and what's going on around me.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 02-06-2010 12:28 AM

What you did was a "good thing"... One that shows the strength of character and the love for your children and off course, your going to also have anxiety and remember past, happy thoughts as he is obviously a changed man.

But, yes, please tread carefully, strarting with friendship is good, you will get to see different sides of him and you can make decisions further down the track.

I would view it in this way, and let the road take you on the right journey...

Your in a new place, your excersizing, you have us

It's a new journey, with some old in it, that can be new later, or can be just as it is... Let the Unviverse decide.

The advantage also for you, is you will now have more free time, for you, to pamper you and get to know you again, as you've had a long time, as a single Mother, caring and doing everything by yourself.

Re-joyce in that.

CW

**lilylavendar** · 02-07-2010 08:25 AM

I was thinking last night, that I really don't want a "relationship" with my ex. It's been to long. I am amicable with him. But I definitely know that I am not in a hurry to do anything relationship wise. I'm still brewing on some feelings inside that I haven't felt in awhile. Part of me wants to go one way about it, and the other part of me says it okay to be alone. I would like to find someone to talk with sometimes. But that is what I'm doing here. It is a small supplement.
And now I hope I am on the right "road" now for my journey to continue...

thank you for your encouraging thoughts, it brings a smile to my heart to know people are there

**sperosi** · 02-14-2010 06:14 AM

Originally Posted by lilylavendar

I was thinking last night, that I really don't want a "relationship" with my ex. It's been to long. I am amicable with him.

. . .

Oh I SO disagree with that. Of course you need to have a relationship with your ex. dont be just amicable with him!

Now i do not mean that you have to have a romantic, physical, sexual, or emotional relationship with him or get intimate in any way. but if you are just amicable with him things will always be weird and the kids will pick up on it.

you do need to develop a relationship with your ex, for the sake of your children, for his sake, and for your sake. just do so within reason at the time.

**lilylavendar** · 02-14-2010 11:13 PM

I've given it a few more days to think about all of this. And I don't want to have a "plastic" relationship with my ex. But the last two days has been trying. I was bombarded by his family that there is someone else in his life, who has been around for awhile. I guess he didn't want me to know that. We have been divorced for seven years, so what can I say. I believe he is in the middle of dissolving this relationship though, as I've heard she is not welcome at his parents house. And she kind of moved herself into his place, fairly recently. Being that my kids have been there, when she has not been there herself has surprised me. Until this recent weekend. I guess she is trying to play "step-mom." And I'm mad. I didn't think I would be having to go through all of this right now. I was trying to get the kids to have a better relationship with their dad, not some woman I don't know. She had the nerve to come with him yesteday to bring them back to my apt. I could tell it was awkward for him. And I could tell she is a jealous and spiteful person. And that she is trying to control the situation on her end. I didn't ask for this. Now, I'm trying to stand my ground. The kids did not like her.
For now the kids will be staying with me until I know more about what is going on. They are not staying around this woman, I don't know anything about her. My ex looks very sad. I think he is afraid I won't talk to him anymore at all. But hey, a heads up on the whole thing would have help me out some. I love his family. They have always been good to me. And I think after spending some recent time with them (socially) that they definitely miss having the kids and I around closer. Now I don't know. I do know he hasn't said he loves her or anything. When I confronted him, he just said he didn't expect to have someone living with him. Okay. But how do you just "let" someone move in with you. That's a pretty serious step to me. And that was our home. Where we had our children together. I can't stand the thought of this person standing in the kitchen I use to cook in. It seems like a nightmare to me. Even after all these years. I'm just not sure how to feel, it's all mashed up and jumbled up inside right now. I want to be angry. But I really can't. I still love him.

**sperosi** · 02-14-2010 11:23 PM

it is ok to have the feelings you are having. realize that some are plain old jealousy, and some are much more.

i've seen someone apparently "just move in" before, mostly because the other person was extremely vulnerable and/or didnt want to be alone.

from what you have written, things seem to be going in an ok direction, albeit a bumpy ride.

give it time...

**lilylavendar** · 02-15-2010 09:33 PM

I know I shouldn't be feeling jealous about it. I did briefly at first. But I'm okay now. It just came as a surprise to me. I'm not going to be disrespectful towards her, regardless of any outcomes. I'm just not that way. And I've spoken to the kids in the need to be respectful of their dads wishes. I'm just a little upset he didn't tell me. He kind of led me to believe that for a while now he has been alone. But I know he dated on and off some over the years. That's no big deal. It's in the past. It's not about "us" right now anyway. But for a moment I kind of hoped it would be. I don't want to be alone anymore. I'm tired of it. And if I was going to be with anyone, it would be him. It just seems kind of sad. I feel so drawn to him. I spent some time thinking about what it would be like. Then all of a sudden this came up. I still don't know how to feel. Or what the boundaries are in this for me to talk to him about it. I don't want to interfere on what is going on in his personal life. But when he calls, he seems so happy to be speaking with me, even if he ends up talking with the kids. We've been through so much already. I don't want to make an unhealthy decision about our relationship. Or what it could turn out to be. Before I moved closer, all he talked about was us moving closer to him. Deep down I wanted it to be that maybe we could build a relationship again. And I felt happy. I felt good about it. I definitely know it was the right thing to do regarding the kids. But here I am now. I'll just have to wait it out and see. I'm definitely not selling myself out on this. Or stooping to some kind of low. I've had to learn alot of things in my life the hard way. And I've got the scars to show that.

**feistymiss** · 02-27-2010 02:55 PM

hi there Lily and all who have posted. may i put in a few thoughts, Lily, i think that some of your unsettlement is over losing your own father and trying to put in place a relationship of a father for your children. the way i see it, you coped fine, for a long time, then circumstances meant you had to move and this along with the loss of your father and all that entailed, brought up stuff that anyone going thro loss is going to feel, as well as finding that your children's father, was wanting a relationship with them, and then to discover he has someone, when you have struggled alone, ok, im assuming here, but that does cause anger, to know we as women, have managed when some men seem to put their "baggage" and stuff they never intended to sort, onto someone else ... as a package. maybe it is this that is unsettling you. that you took time to sort your head out, which is now in turmoil. i think you mentioned your children are young, well i am assuming that your relationship with their dad was over as a marriage before it was established and that brings loss and grief and adjustment and when you are now faced with your kids father with another, that is arousing that you wanted that chance, but the drink problem didnt allow for that.....do you know what i mean? i think you have come along a long way, maybe your ex has, or has not, but if you now focus on all you have done, and still focus on what else you can do, independently, not with your children, and about the home, oh yes, that hurts, but you will see it as a home, eventually, and i am assuming you have created another home for your children and yourself, and eventually this pain will diminish too. dont try and focus on his life, with whoever, but of course, you are right to feel anxious that he is taking care of your children, and not leaving them with another to take on the role, and you monitor with them, that things are at a pace they want, rather than someone else.....and im sure you will get there. best wishes