Dealing with death...???!!

**Mes T** · 02-17-2010 04:30 PM

My boyfriend broke down crying early this morning because he had just found out his dad died. It was a very sudden and unexpected death, a heart attack.

I've never lost anyone THAT close to me before thank GOD, so I don't know how to deal with this. I get very awkward about these things, like, I almost feel like laughing - a nervous response.

My boyfriend's going to try to fly back to New Zealand today, if he can find a flight, and will be there for 7 days. How can I support him through this? I held him when he cried, told him I loved him, and said I'm there for him. But now what?

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 02-17-2010 04:35 PM

So sorry Mes... It's heartbreaking for him and also for you, as you feel for him.

All you can do is be there for him, he may not want to call you sometimes, as he is in a different state of mind and with family.

Don't take that to heart.

Tell him to call you when "he" wants to and send text messages, telling him your thinking of him.

That's all you can do.

People do go into their own World when their World feels shattered....

Stay strong.

**Mes T** · 02-17-2010 04:41 PM

Oh gosh I didn't even think of that, that he might turn away from me for a while.

It'll be hard not to take it to heart... for me... But that's why I have you guys!

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 02-17-2010 04:45 PM

Sweet, he may..

But, I'm thinking on his return he'll need you and lots of hugs...

I'm just thinking whilst he is over there, you may not speak to him as much as you would like to, so to take that into consideration and be brave and understanding

**WildChild** · 02-17-2010 06:17 PM

It takes time to recover from the loss. He may start to do just fine and then have times when it just hits again. I went through it for a couple years after my mom died, something would happen and I'd want to call to talk to her about it and then remember that she wasn't there anymore.

We all go through this at some time, the older we get the more death we will deal with. It gets easier over time as we come to accept that life goes on.

**Goodgirl93** · 02-17-2010 07:02 PM

Aww,Dealing with death is NEVER easy.doesn't matter if its an animal,or a person your close to,its always gunna be tough for a while.I have lost family members,but I have never lost a parent.I really hope I don't for a long long time but it doesn't always work out that way.

The best thing you could do right now is be there for him,if he wants.Some take death differently and want to be left completely alone.Try to make things easier on him if possible and see if you can get him to go places or do things to get his mind off of it all.I remember when I lost my Auntie,we were so close,she was like my second mother.It was 2am and my mother and I had just got back from the hopsital to see her.I layed down and was woken up 5 minutes later to my sister telling me she died 7 minutes after we left.

It took me a good month to get over her death,for me to get her out of my mind and just move on.I don't take death very well,but he may be stronger than I was.

**sourpuss** · 02-17-2010 08:55 PM

Ugh! So sorry. Poor thing. He must be really hurting right now.
I agree with CW (as usual) try to find a good balance of letting him know that you're there for him and not smothering him.

Best wishes to him and his family. That's too sad.

**Mes T** · 02-18-2010 12:38 AM

Thanks for your wise words guys... Ohhh I am grateful for this forum.

Well I sent him off to New Zealand today (for one week). And, just as I suspected, HE had to take care of ME at the airport!! I was a downright MESS. What a useless girlfriend I turned out to be.

Jeeeeeeeeeeez.

It's only been about 11 hours since he's heard the news, and he's been hurting pretty bad but the worst is yet to come (funeral, etc)...

But thus far I've been really surprised, looks like this event is bringing us closer together if anything. A while ago I posted about him wanting to be left alone when he's sick, but this seems to be different.

UGH I am such a BABY... The whole event at the airport got turned around on ME... Well if anything I'm pretty sure that at least distracted him from his own grief, for a while anyway.

**kristalyn_04** · 02-18-2010 03:15 PM

awwww Mes... people deal with death in different ways. Be there for him but also try to give him his space when he needs it. I also lost my father unexpectedly 10 years ago, it took me a long time to heal. Losing a parent is not easy, especially when it happens so suddenly. My dad was only 37 years old, I expected him to be around much longer, and then he was gone. I remember there were times when I needed my friends and loved ones to support me, and times when I just wanted to be left alone. Just try to respect his needs and let him grieve in his own way... I know you just want to take the pain away but all you can do is just be there for him when he needs it. Time heals all wounds, just try to be patient.

**jnd2009** · 02-18-2010 10:39 PM

Sorry for your loss, I know it's not easy. I lost my dad unexpectedly 4 years ago. It's still hard since it's a open investigation and I have no answers. All of that aside- here's what I suggest.
The first few months after, I draw a blank (I have no recollection of that time). He may seem all there, but it will be in the back of his mind for a while. Like others said above, don't take him not wanting you around offensive. Even now, there are times I want to talk and get it all off my chest, there are times I randomly want to bring up good memories, and there are times I just want to do nothing but cry and be held by my boyfriend. I have woken my boyfriend up several times from crying. I've found there's really nothing for you to say quite often. It's a touchy subject, and just your presence and love may be just enough in those moments. However, if he does bring up his father, be as supportive as you can, but don't say anything he'd take offense to in regards to his father.
I hope this made sense- I know it's a hard time. My bf and I were only together for 5 months when my dad was killed- we've been together 5 years now and what I've mentioned above is how i've been coping.