Upset about my father

**brianna** · 02-21-2010 09:54 PM

I don't know if I should still be upset about this or not, so please just bear with me if this sounds stupid

Last year before I started college, my dad wanted me to apply for a certain scholarship (it wasn't a very big scholarship). I was taking a bunch of AP classes and trying to get A's in everything, and I was so busy I missed the deadline. I was scared to tell him b/c he gets so angry, so I didn't tell him for months. Eventually, he asked me about it and I had to tell him. He was furious and stormed out of the house and didn't talk to me until the next day. Then, he lectured me and accused me of ruining his and my mom's possibilities for happy retirement. He said I was irresponsible and he couldn't trust me anymore. He also accused me of being gloomy and dragging down the entire family, even though I constantly put a smile on my face to cheer up my family members.

Pretty much it tore me apart. I try my very hardest at school, and it was just an innocent mistake. I cried for hours like a little kid and then he felt bad and apologized, but over the next few months he kept on bringing it up like he didn't trust me anymore and like I'm irresponsible. He tried to get me to promise that I would tell him everything from then on as soon as anything happened, but I wouldn't promise because it's really none of his business. I know I should have told him about it at first, but I was afraid to.

I decided not to go to my dream college because I didn't want to ask him for money. I'm now paying for my college completely without my parents' help. This all hurts so much because I know he loves me, but what he said destroyed me and I still can't get over it. I've tried to forgive him, but it still upsets me.

Am I overreacting? Should this still bother me so much? Should I talk to him about it and tell him how much it still upsets me, or just let it go? I don't want to hurt him, either, but I'm still angry about it and what he said makes me feel guilty and inadequate all the time. Help please

**Joy** · 02-22-2010 02:59 AM

Congrats on paying for college yourself. I'm sure your dad didn't mean to hurt your feelings so much - maybe he was worried of how he was going to provide for you and help you on your path to a bright future and balance on providing a secure income for your mom and him once he retires.

I know it hurt you - but the economy is crazy, markets have dried up in some area's - he may have lost money on his investments and really felt the pressure that day. Probably when you were a lil girl he dreamed of the day you would go to college and how he would be financially secure enough to help you acheive your dreams and unfortunatly he is not at that level of financial security with the current economy.

Sounds like your dad wants the best for you and the last thing he would want to do is destroy you. I would forgive him and talk to him.

**WildChild** · 02-22-2010 04:34 AM

Sounds like both of you have over reacted. I agree with Joy. Keep applying for scholarships there are quite a few that freshmen can't even get-you have to prove yourself with your first year.

**Mayberry** · 02-25-2010 04:31 AM

I totally get where you're coming from. My entire life I've been made to feel like I was a burden on my parents. I rarely asked for anything because help from my parents came conditionally and it has been so difficult for me. I'm 30 and it's only in the last year, after I've been suffering with chronic illness, that my parents have finally started to support me without having emotional conditions attached to it. It has taken many years to get to this point - years of me having to explain to them how their attitudes have made me feel inadequate, unloved, unsupported. And it has taken for them to grow up and mature as parents and as people, too. It's not something that can be rushed, and I think in a way I'm lucky that my parents have managed to change at all, even a little, as often people - especially parents - don't change because they're stuck in their ways, think that as a parent they're always right, or are scared to change because it would mean admitting that they've been wrong or have done something that hurt their children.

That's a big one - it is awful for parents to realise they've done something hurtful or been unsupportive to their children. However, it is also incredibly hurtful as a child to be made to feel like you're not good enough, or that your parents care more about money than about your feelings or happiness. I would suggest explaining how you feel to your father, however it sounds like he has a short temper, so I would suggest a) waiting until a good time. That may not be for months or even years. b) writing it in a letter so that he has time to digest it without having to get defensive in a conversation. c) start off by telling him you love him and that you need him to be open to what you're going to tell him because it's important to you and your relationship. You can also write in the letter that you'll call him in a couple of days and that you hope you can talk without blame, but rather with a view to be open and supportive of each other’s opinions. If you have a good relationship with your mum, perhaps you could let her know you’re going to give your dad a letter about this stuff so that she can be prepared to give him support and be someone he can talk to before he talks to you about it.

While you've tried to do the good thing and forgive him, it can be difficult to ever get over problems with people that are as close to you as your parents if you haven't ever told them how they've affected you and talked over the problem with them. And your dad won't ever be able to work on your relationship if he doesn't know the reason why there's a rift between you.

Good luck!