Should I say something or just let it go?

**asiangrace** · 02-25-2010 09:23 AM

I am so furious! My sister-in-law and a couple of other people threw a surprise 33rd anniversary party for my parents. A ton of people were invited. She put a slide slow together of my parent's dating years/wedding/marriage/kids, etc...

Throughout the slide show (I saw the slide show on facebook), there was little quotations that they received from people about my parents to insert in the show. They had quotes from people my parents haven't even talked to in 10 years as well as my older brother, younger sister, and sister-in-law (who threw the party)

They didn't bother to let me know what they were doing so I could say something. I'm really hurt. They are still my parents, it would've been nice to be included.

My younger brother and I were completely excluded from everything. We weren't even told about anything.

Me, I could understand a bit more because they think that everything I do is wrong in their eyes. (they are very strict strict STRICT Christians) and I do live about 1000 miles away from them. But I still could've sent an email or something.

My younger brother, Evan, lives there. He has made some rough choices, but is trying to so hard to get his life back on track and keeps up a good relationship with my parents. But since he isn't attending the "godly church", they completely excluded him from the event. I talked to him yesterday, he didn't even know about the party.

I'm furious because even if they don't "agree" with everything we're doing, they are still our parents. I blame my sister-in-law mostly because she was in charge of this event and she deliberately left us out. It's not like she forgot about us.

We aren't some strangers. We're their kids and we should've been included as well.

Am I over reacting? I'm so mad at her. I want to write to her, but she already made the choice and I don't want to start a fire. But any respect I had for her is completely gone.

**Joy** · 02-25-2010 10:02 AM

The "tough Love" approach in families really sucks alot. You and your brother have to find your way in life and no one knows what path we must take to get there.

It really just looks bad on them for not including you to write your own special thoughts and congratulations. Your brother lives in the same city? must hurt alot for him being so close and being excluded too.

Did you get an opprotunity to congratulate your parents and send best wishes to them? That's most important - doesn't matter that the world didn't see it on their slide show but your own personal relationship with your parents.

Do you think it will do any good if you write your SIL and ask why she didn't include you? Do you have a close relationship with her? You don't need to start a fire or throw accuations around but you can ask. Remember you may not like the answer so be prepared to stay neutral on the situation if that is what you truly seek.

**asiangrace** · 02-25-2010 10:28 AM

Originally Posted by Joy

The "tough Love" approach in families really sucks alot. You and your brother have to find your way in life and no one knows what path we must take to get there.

It really just looks bad on them for not including you to write your own special thoughts and congratulations. Your brother lives in the same city? must hurt alot for him being so close and being excluded too.

Did you get an opprotunity to congratulate your parents and send best wishes to them? That's most important - doesn't matter that the world didn't see it on their slide show but your own personal relationship with your parents.

Do you think it will do any good if you write your SIL and ask why she didn't include you? Do you have a close relationship with her? You don't need to start a fire or throw accuations around but you can ask. Remember you may not like the answer so be prepared to stay neutral on the situation if that is what you truly seek.

Yes, I think my brother was definitely upset that he wasn't invited. I completely understand why I wasn't invited, living 1000 miles away. With school and work, I can't just jump on a plane and go there. but there were other ways to include me.
I sent my parents a separate email congratulating them on their anniversary. 33 years is a milestone...not alot of people make it that far!

I have thought about writing to my SIL. We don't have a super close relationship. She is the daughter my parents always hoped that I'd be. They adore her. And she is quick to judge me as well.

I do truly want to know what I was not included, but I know that my words get twisted around and it will get back to my parents as me being "angry or spiteful" and I do not want to ruin their moment.

That is what's holding me back. Knowing that my question will most likely be taken the wrong way. It's happened before.

**Joy** · 02-25-2010 10:59 AM

What about your Brother that is married to this woman are you close with him? Is there something positive you see about this situation? Did they do a great job on the celebration - can you call that brother and congratulate him on a job well done. Do you think he would then feel a lil guilty and offer a reason why you were not included. You can open the dialogue with him that you would have loved to have been there - but being 1000 miles away makes it rough. Its a round about approach but you might get some answers that way or some insight to the situation.

Just a suggestion

**KMonte85** · 02-25-2010 11:15 AM

given the situation that you have explained in that past about your relationship with your SIL and parents, I would say.. just let it go... you've been caused enough stress from family that you don't need to focus on yet another reason why your family tries to exclude you and disapprove of your life. You've mentioned in the past that you barely have a civil relationship with your parents, and that conversations with them end up in yelling, disapproving critical comments, and hurt feelings. You've mentioned that they hold your SIL up on a pedestal and rub it in your face that she is everything that you should be (in their eyes).

Honestly, with the hostile relationship that you have with your parents, and the uncomfortable relationship with your SIL, would you really want to have been involved? Think about the heartache and anxiety you AVOIDED by not being a part of it. What a perfect opportunity for them to have taken you down another peg or 3, had they asked for your involvement and criticized your every move along the way!

If you think of it as dodging another disapproving bullet, then perhaps it won't be such a bother to you that you weren't included. Maybe, your SIL did you a favor and saved you the headache, heartache, frustration, and anger that often goes along with your usual family experience...

**asiangrace** · 02-25-2010 03:10 PM

Originally Posted by KMonte85

given the situation that you have explained in that past about your relationship with your SIL and parents, I would say.. just let it go... you've been caused enough stress from family that you don't need to focus on yet another reason why your family tries to exclude you and disapprove of your life. You've mentioned in the past that you barely have a civil relationship with your parents, and that conversations with them end up in yelling, disapproving critical comments, and hurt feelings. You've mentioned that they hold your SIL up on a pedestal and rub it in your face that she is everything that you should be (in their eyes).

Honestly, with the hostile relationship that you have with your parents, and the uncomfortable relationship with your SIL, would you really want to have been involved? Think about the heartache and anxiety you AVOIDED by not being a part of it. What a perfect opportunity for them to have taken you down another peg or 3, had they asked for your involvement and criticized your every move along the way!

If you think of it as dodging another disapproving bullet, then perhaps it won't be such a bother to you that you weren't included. Maybe, your SIL did you a favor and saved you the headache, heartache, frustration, and anger that often goes along with your usual family experience...

You're right. You're so right. Maybe she did do me a favor by not including me. I probably would've had a hard time coming up with something great to say anyways.

I don't know why it still hurts though that she didn't include me. And she really had absolutely no reason not to include my younger brother...who does have a relationship with my parents and who does live in the same city

I am confused as to why I feel still feel hurt over this when really, I should be grateful that they didn't pull me in to it.

I think I'll go wallow in some coffee now, haha.

**KMonte85** · 02-26-2010 06:16 AM

It hurts because as much as you don't get along, don't see eye to eye, don't have a mutual respect, they are still your family - and its part of the human condition to want to be part of a family. So you're struggling with this because you see yet another situation where you and your brother were excluded, where you feel like you don't belong in something that you want to have.

It hurts, and it should as that means that you know how a nuclear family should be. No one wants to have a toxic relationship with their own flesh and blood. I can relate, because I have quite a toxic relationship with my brother's wife and children. And it sucks, but I've spent years trying to make things better, and they never will. I'm starting to get that now...

All you can really do at this point is reserve yourself to the fact that this is the way it is going to be. That as much as it hurts to be excluded, it would have hurt more to get involved because you would have been just a sitting duck while they spewed venom at you the entire time, just like they do every other time you spend time together. And find a family of your own.. I think you have a great start with your boyfriend. We don't need to be related to our family, we just need to find a group of fantastic people that love and warmly accepts us that way we wish our family would do!

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