Thread: difficulties

no, i think i dont feel terribly comfortable telling the history between my daughter and my husband as when things "kicked off" i was not in a good place to cope with this. we had wanted my daughter to come and visit, with our other children. we struggled to get to know if she was coming and had previously not accompanied my husband when he went to fetch them. sorry this is getting very complicated. and i dont know the answers any more. for how my daughter is unwilling. i do know that things kicked off and it was ugly enough to involve police in order to get my husband arrested. but with both of us (my daughter and i) under the care of the mental health, my therapist at the time thought that we were all coping as best we could

i think today im not in as good a place to disclose more, but i thank you for your attention and maybe later i will return to find if there are more replies or if i can open up more

i feel that i am in the wrong, that i shouldnt be on here exposing all my sawdry stuff, and its kicking off how ive been treated in the past by others

and i am in a bad position of not being able to protect my child, or my husband. they are both adults, but i am emotionally entangled with both, and protective of both

i wouldnt be able to attend the wedding. for all kinds of reasons, not least that my ex husband has already threatened mine and my husbands personal security, yet again, and bought up stuff that is painful to deal with

so i dont feel as if any of it will be repaired, ever

Well, this sounds pretty complicated. But it would be sad to miss your daughter's wedding. That's a pretty big occasion, and if she invited you, she would probably like to see you there- it must mean something to her. Also, it sounds like your daughter is important to you. This would be an opportunity to work on your relationship with her.

If your ex husband is threatening you, that should probably be reported for your safety.

thank you Prawnprincess, for your reply. i am confused at the moment and i think the things my daughter and i discussed bought things out that have yet to settle. i mentioned my daughter is herself ill, and she mentioned things that in 3 yrs have not changed, regarding my husband. she has a deep suspicion and mistrust of him and the things she mentioned were paranoid. i tried to talk about this with her but she would hear none of it and i realised that this aspect would not change.
yes i would love to be in my daughters life. and to be at her wedding. at the engagement i met her b/f family, they were very nice. i liked them and i have not had the chance to be around others, with my children, to show that i am their mother
what i wanted to explain to them, and may have touched on, but realised that this was an area not resolved, was the family split thro me leaving, but also thro me leaving under domestic violence. i obviously didnt want to spoil the harmony and pleasant atmosphere, yet i realised i still hold deep resentment that others do not realise what has happened over the past ...
and the prospective in-laws were really nice, they got on with new step relationships, you know, it was really nice to see two women sharing, really engaging with each other, touching, the body language said it all - both who had a relationship with the b/f father
now at that occasion my ex was following me about, with his eyes. he did not need to, as i was not engaging actively with him. i was not dismissive of him but i noticed he had to come and stand really close behind me, listen to the conversation, interject etc, until i then began talking with another prospective in-law as a means of distancing myself from him
my ex remarried, after our divorce, then split and is involved with another ... and i felt that he didnt focus or project themselves as a couple or of his relationship with her, just revelled in the attention that was about our child/children
i did bring in quietly to the prospective mum in law that i was re-married, as i feel the relationship i have with my husband is like a guilty secret and it shouldnt be. i liked her and i like the lad my daughter wants to marry. i also believe that things will not, as in all relationships, always flow, as my daughter, like me is ... well, lets say its not always going to be rosy in the garden, there will be like most people, spiky bits, and slugs and showery days !
my husband and i have been together 10 years and in that time, my ex, the children's father, made life very difficult for all kinds of reasons. the most destructive element of this was the way the children were moulded and how i could not maintain a relationship with them, despite court orders, or time allotted with them. the dad used mostly foul means and the children appear to have totally overlooked this aspect now. i can understand this, but for me, it was never easy. i felt i was being punished and i didnt warrant this
this came into the discussion with my daughter, as she knows how i have struggled over the years, to try and assert myself rather than have to go thro the dad but in all other ways too especially with excess distress, PTSD symptoms etc and a mental health diagnosis, but again, so have all of the children, suffered - it was an horrendous experience and this is where things tipped over again to break our relationship down
anyway, going back to the proposed wedding. yes my daughter told me that she would value my support, and how and where she wanted it. for the future, not particular to the wedding. she mentioned she would want me to stay with her for months at a time. how she wanted me there for grandchildren.
i know that she took her time and thought thro how she wanted to approach me not having my husband attend and initially i took it in, but it was the following day that i became unsettled and then angry as she would not consider any bridge building, now or in the future and was specific that my husband would not be involved in any childcare or any aspect of "family" or togetherness
i think this was the aspect that really tore at me - to know that there will be no level of interaction, and that who i consider to be a thoughtful, considerate partner for myself, is to be excluded from any family occasion and how it would resonate through the family circle
i know my daughter would want me - in her life, but at the same time, i have been pushed and pulled about, all my life, and our history has been very difficult. this daughter had special needs, hence why we are close, but this closeness came at a cost, to all of us. its very difficult to try and explain it all without rambling on and on
i am accepting that i wont be there - i know this. i wouldnt want my daughter to compromise, but what i would want, is for her to understand and to find a way for a future that involves rather than cuts my husband out
and i seriously dont think this will happen, perhaps if both of us got mental health support, perhaps
but the way i see it now, that our current difficulties are arising from our background, and my ex husband has a big part to play in the negativity, yet he has arisen from the ashes as it were, whiter than white, whereas everyone else has been badly affected yet he will want to revel in our daughter, on her day, pretending and playing to an audience
and my life is not like that. i think both my daughter, and possibly all of my children, need more mental health support, to resolve issues surrounding the past and i dont think this will be accomplished before the wedding
we have waited at least 3 years both of us, and not got the mental health support we need, and all of us have been affected for the past 10 years
i didnt want to involved the police, its quite a big step for me, and i was unsupported at the time i was there. my ex is infamous for shouting and creating a scene and yes, he did bring up how and what he could do, which was undermining me
i think the abuse aspect is still an area we all need support with before we can truly "play" happy families, as it were

i also mentioned briefly how nice it was, to witness the two female members of the family to be, who got on so well. they said to me, that it seems foolish not to get on, etc and i joked and spoke with them, it was really nice to see them getting on and it is something i would want for myself. i didnt disclose my own feelings or why myself and my ex do not get on. people would not have known from our interaction. there has been a lot of rage and anger expressed by myself over how i was treated, by him and how he pillaged and destroyed so much and i use these words as a means of describing that it was a complete assault, it took away all that i knew, in retaliation that i no longer wanted him so if i see this, and express it like this, i can only but guess how my own children view things, having been in the middle for at least 8 years before i moved away - simply because i could no longer maintain two households ... and keep my ex away from abusing me or my husband
i had always fought and protected my children, cherished the family and put all of my effort and worth into it, but i could not cope with so much that was undermining so much
the children knew my ways, and still can identify, but they have also now absorbed their own and their fathers ways and it is more apparent the huge differences between our lifestyles and habits
i wish we could get help, this is an avalanche of overload - its too much for anyone to understand or help now

I can see that you have had bad experiences with your ex husband, and that you would like your new husband to be involved in your daughter's life.

Please remember that it is her life. If she is not ready to incorporate your husband into her life now, maybe she would be open to it down the road, after things have settled down some and she feels more confident about it all. Maybe she won't. But either way, it's better not to force it on her or try to manipulate her into agreeing, because it will only be beneficial if it is something she wants.

She is your own flesh and blood, and it sounds like you have a connection. It would be a shame to burn your bridges with her. Whether or not you attend the wedding (though I would be sad if my mom didn't come to my wedding), I think the best gift you could give her is try not to give in to the drama of it all, and just let her know that you love her and you'll always be there for her if she needs you. Do you think this is possible?

im sure ... yes, Prawn Princess, but this is all i have done. this is so painful, i have allowed my children more reign/rein ? in a sense of being in touch with their feelings, and to be able to communicate with them, to help them, and yes, they turn to me, but i have been slowly excluded from their lives, for the past 10 years, from being a full time carer and mum, who had no identity other than thro my children, for their health needs and whilst i gave, i wanted it not to stop ... then when it did, the effects were horrendous, yes, their dad would not, allow, would put steps in place, i was almost laughed out of town, hounded, thats how it felt, and it affected my confidence, yet without my children i had to pick up and start over. my daughter came to live with me, for a whole year and then i was awarded full custody of my youngest child and he stayed with me for 6 years. i have always loved my children and made a lot of fuss of them, made time for them, been close, physically and emotionally, but the last 3 years, with the last year, being the most difficult
i have always held open the door, as it were, to communicate but it has become harder and whilst i have still not been able to understand and cope with the deluge, i have had to endure it. i know my children would like me to be around the corner from them. but when i was, when i put my life at risk by doing so, i couldnt cope with the psychological effects and there was no stopping my ex ... so yes, this confusion has made me angry, whilst i am in a better place, by living further, the effects of not being close by to my children was devastating to me.
its confusing to me, cos i have no mother of my own. i have a mother alive, but i do not see either of my parents thro abuse/domestic abuse and this is why my children were so close, i protected them and they protected me and its almost as if i anticipated this coming, my youngest son made a pact with me, then changed his mind, and this affected me badly psychologically. he is just 16 and i had to allow him the choice to live with his dad, at only 13, in favour of being close by to his siblings, and whilst all of the children relate to me to a degree, things are changing. this is what i see, i think my husband is being seen as the focus, the scapegoat, fuelled by the ex, his focus, i cant see how the children cannot avoid this. as i described i feel the ex still would want me close by in order to punish. the children know all this. they know why i left, understood, wanted me close and when i go to see them, i spend time with each of them, share, listen, take time out alone with them. but i am limited now as to what i can do, and my circumstances are different and i have a need to protect myself more now. so yes, i want my children, but also on my level, and i sense they want me on the level they are at, as young adults, who no longer have a need for a mum. this is how i see it so i am grieving for having lost the 10 years, with them having step moms step in, when i didnt want that, when i wanted my children on their birthdays, and this wedding will include step family to my children, family their dad married into, his family, family members they dont have a relationship with, but none of mine, cos mine and i have been pushed out, so i am hurting yes, and i know the realistic solution and the practical one, and the responsible one, and the rational one, and all are different with their own merits, but the situation still means they are not accepting of, possibly tolerant to a degree of my husband, but not accepting. whilst i can accept it to a degree, what of the future, the one where i want my grandchildren, if this should happen ... to be a part of my life, as a grandparent. i dont want to be pressured into only seeing my grandchildren when my children feel it is appropriate. on their turf. but at the same time, yes, its my children's lives now. all week this has been in my head. bringing up the pain, knowing i cant do other than accept. that we dont have answers or solutions, but have to endure. and i still am angry that i was not allowed my children, when i needed them, when they needed me, when they had problems, many problems, and i couldnt help or i tried and it was blocked. in favour of their dad. and all i can do is endure. i dont want to attend a wedding now, to know this is how she feels. that i can be a mom when it suits, when i share the same opinion, or will tow the line. im not a child but i feel like a child and this wont change, when her other parent is so capable of holding us to ransom. i can choose to not be a part of this, but this means more denial, going without. i didnt have my daughter or any of my children at my wedding and my daughter was upset about this. we could not cope with this. it is our third wedding anniversary today actually as it happens. its coming up to mothers day soon and i hurt to either not receive anything from them, or to receive something which says "i Love You" and then its only words. my life has been and will continually be, turned upside down, as theirs will. yes you are right, it is their lives, all of theirs and i am now superceded. to be a grandparent if that is what they so wish, but to be mute, spend what little money i have perhaps on them, or not, live in their circumstances for a short while. that is the option open to me, and then to return to my home, with my husband and for him to pick up the pieces ... or i can say, no, i dont want to. im not going to be used, for when it suits. the situation still smacks to me of their father dictating, by virtue of how his family live their lives, and not my extended family, not my ways, being accepted