Worried about mum :-(

**Joey** · 03-01-2010 12:15 PM

Ive been worried about my mum for a while now.

My dad died when me my brother and sister were only little, and since then she has not been with any other man. That was her decision, and I am happy with her decision. so for 10ish years she has been single.

My brother has recently moved away to live with his girlfriend, my sister is at university, and i am hoping to move out with my boyfriend. All in all, we will all be around 3-4ish hours from mum.

Even though she says that shes looking forward to us all moving out properly and to live our own lives, i can just tell that shes upset about it. and i end up feeling so guilty. Obviously i want to move on with my life, and set up camp with my boyfriend, but i just feel so bad in leaving mum all on her own.

Sometimes she says things that are almost like a hint that she doesnt like the idea of us all leaving home - such as 'Its funny how everyone is moving away to live nearer to their prospective mother&father in laws' and 'The neighbour was saying how much she doesnt like being on her own, what about me in the next few months!!'

I just hate the thought of her being on her own. But i also hate the idea that shes trying to make me feel guilty so i stay.

I dont really know if this is just a rant - but some opinions would be appreciated.

**WildChild** · 03-01-2010 01:22 PM

It's called empty nest syndrome. Many parents go through it. It's why it's important for adults to have some interests other than their children. Encourage her to take a class, get out with freinds, expand her horizons, now before you move on.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 03-01-2010 01:52 PM

Perfectly said WC.

Don't feel guilty Joey, your the last of the litter

But, ultimately she felt the same, each time one of your siblings left as well.

She does have to start to smell the roses and see what the big world is all about and start to venture... It's her time now to live a life just for her and it can be very exciting tell her that.

Tell her off course you'll phone and spend time talking to her because you'll miss her, but it's your life too now and you have to start to spread your wings and venture, just like she taught you, live life and be happy.

See what's around out there, "no old fogie things", she won't be up for that but see what's out there, get her to have a friends night in, glass of wine, movie, once a month, give her ideas and tell her you love her.

CW

**Joey** · 03-01-2010 02:09 PM

Thanks for your replied guys

Your right, I need to get my mum getting involved with all her mates, so i can literally leave the house without her even knowing. ha!

I think its the fact that i dont want to sound patronising - or kind of rubbing it in her face that she has to go out and do stuff because there wont be anyone here soon but her.

Also, mum always uses excuses. her big one is 'i've been invited to (such and such) but im not going to go because its going to be all couples.' I can totally understand what she means to an extent, as she went to my cousins engagment party not long ago, and everyone was up and dancing with their partners and mum was just sat on her own. she came back and told me and it literally broke my heart.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 03-01-2010 02:17 PM

But, darling, that's Mum's choice and unless she gets out there and socialises she isn't going to meet anyone.

I can contest that

I was on my own for nearly 3 years basically, but one day I went out and by chance, met someone and well the rest is history..

**Joey** · 03-01-2010 03:11 PM

I know that its her choice but it doesnt make me feel any better about the situation.

I never use to really feel this way, and i think thats its stemed from being home with just mum at the moment. I know that she has always felt comfortable in venting and ranting to me about stuff (which is ok to an extent, but sometimes i think its a bit far fetched as i think its unfair to burden me with stuff that is just going to make me feel guilty) but i know its because she hasnt got anyone else.

AAARRRGGGHHH! im too soft. ha!

But yeah, will suggest to her to get out more and will let you know what happens.

Like you say, even though i find it hard to say it, it is and was her choice.

**WildChild** · 03-01-2010 03:34 PM

Would she perhaps go to some events with you? What does she enjoy? Art? Keep an eye out for shows opening at galleries or the museum. Film? Don't just go to the movies. look for some group that does this - they are out there. Typically they see a film and then meet to snack, have a drink and talk about it. Reading? A book club would be good then.
Does she enjoy the outdoors? Something like Sierra club or a hiking group.
Maybe if you go along a few times she'll start to form some connection, especially if you nudge things along. It doesn't have to men, just getting her out to try some new things and meet more people.

**redlily** · 03-11-2010 04:38 AM

Perhaps it's also not bad to set a day of visiting her after you move out. If every week is doable perhaps your mom will appreciate the fact that you're doing your best to be on your own while keeping your "responsibility" as her kid.

**attagirl28** · 03-26-2010 09:28 AM

Oh my gosh my mom is exactly the same, like to the T. Only difference is I'm not moving out any time soon. But my brother is never home, my mom has been single since my dad died when we were young. She drops hints. She uses the couple thing as an excuse not to do things. She talks to me about almost everything and i sometimes do feel burdened.

Sometimes i just want to ask her to be the adult and let me be the child.

I don't have much advice but I'm in the same boat as you.

**stressed** · 03-29-2010 05:57 PM

My mum was like that when I moved out (far away from her) even if she still has my dad. I think it's a parent thing. Dads just don't want to show it in the same way but mums don't miss the chance. Mine was like "couldn't you stay for another year?", "couldn't you live closer to us?" and I always felt so guilty and awful about it.

But that's how parents are. They don't mean harm and they are happy as long as we are. They never have enough of us, but we have to continue with our lives and do what we want to do. It doesn't mean we love them any less by moving out, or we don't care. But many of us have to do it for one reason or another. Visiting often helps, at least once every 3 months, depending on the distance. You can ask her to visit you whenever she wants to, so she won't feel left out. Teach her how to use a webcam for the days she feels lonely. Encourage her to be involved with activities she enjoys. Maybe show her this or other forums she can read and type to vent.

What you need to know before you move out is that she can handle herself without you. That she doesn't "need" you, in the sense of she would be unhappy without you at home. Of course she will feel lonely at first, but I do believe that people can adjust to anything given the time. And as it has been said, she made her choice to not look for another man. If she felt like she needed one to be happy then she would look for one. Heck, she can still look for one if she feels to now that she's going to be alone, you never know.

Don't feel guilty for having your own life. Just remember to tell her often how happy you are, but also miss her. Knowing you are happy will give her strength to deal with the loneliness she could feel.