i just need to vent.

**lilstx** · 03-07-2010 02:20 AM

My mom is 42 years old and since i could remember she has been dating.

Ive seen so many men walk in and out of our lives that i just became immune to it.

Its sad bc she divorced my father who treated her very good and took care of her and the household as well.

Now all she dates are no good losers and it irritates me because i have a younger brother who is now 8 years old (im 20 and i have a 24 year old brother) and i dont want him to go through the same thing i did as a child growing up.

I practically ran out of my mothers house when i turned 18 and moved in with my boyfriend had a son and everything was fine until he got a abusive... so now here i am 20 years old back at home with my mom and it hurts me to see my mom so desperate for a man that she practically accepts anything.

The worst part is shes a very educated and established woman and very beautiful everyone thinks we are firneds or sisters because she looks so young, but these men just are NO GOOD.

My older brother is never around he went and practically found a new family bc he got sick of her boyfriends as well. Hes even had to fight because my mom got beat up infront of us.

Everytime i try to talk to her about this and why she cant keep her personal life personal and the men OUT OF OUR HOUSE she gets all pissed off and tells me how my sons father is no good, but watching her it makes me feel as though i should stay and make things work with him.

Wheni finally left the abuse she found a new man and forgot all about me and my little brother so i ended up back with my sons father and foiund myself back in the same situation.

Im just tired of being her personal babysitter im tired of her always partying and sneaking men in our house waking us all up. I HATE the fake acts she puts on and how her voice changes and she "baby this and baby that" uughhh.

I told her she has NO IDEA the effect of men walking in and out of a kids life but i do and she's messing up my younger brothers head the way she did me and my older brothers.

I know there are people out there with bigger family problems than this but it has bothered me since i was young and it just never stops it makes me just want to go and move back in with my sons father.

Its ashame that when she has a man she doesnt give a if im back with him or not as long as she doesnt have to babysit, which she NEVER does, i babysit for her.

WHy cant she just be happy and content with us and herself???? she JUST woke me up to meet her new man who is 27 and doesnt even have a car or his own place.

i feel any respectful man would not intrude on any womans home and kids at 2:20am ... ugh.

**Joy** · 03-07-2010 01:39 PM

sounds like your mom has a self worth issue. You should not be in an abusive relationship - unless he is willing to dig really deep and get to the cause of the anger and heal that part of himself. Your mom can only realize her self worth - same goes for you too.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 03-07-2010 02:48 PM

lilstx,

There are reasons why people aren't compatible. Your Dad, could have been an probably is a really nice guy, but something was amiss, or else she would have stayed.

Also, what was her Father like with her? Maybe, she as Joy said, has self worth issues and doesn't/didn't feel she deserves to be loved and this is why she is following this pattern, whilst maybe sub-consciously hoping to find it.

It seems that this is a quest for her, it seems like she doesn't love herself, she has difficulty showing you love, I bet she tries, it seems like she does, until she allows someone else in her life again.

Because you ended up with an abuser, this is more to your heart, not wanting Mum to go through it, but like you said, when it gets to a point that upsets you, you've gone back to that abuser yourself.

Why not talk to Mum about what she didn't like about your Dad, what her childhood was like, and how obviously telling her what you feel isn't working, that it's her life and she is an Adult and can do what she wants, but you miss her, that Mother you love and that she's young, just like you and you need her help, help to ensure you don't end up with an abuser again, nor go backwards. Ask her to go to Councelling with you, for you, whilst secretly it's for both of you, so you both can heel and get on with life in the way you deserve, with respect of self and therefore, only getting respect from men and ending up in a loving relationship both of you.

Just a suggestion

CW

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 03-23-2010 02:08 AM

Bump.................

**BasketCase** · 04-04-2010 02:18 PM

Once again Chandlers Wish has already answered flawlesly. Lol you really are good at this. But I will toss my input in anyway.

My mother and father were together for 7 years. They had 3 children together. My sister, my brother and me. My mother and father split while I was still in the womb. My mother fled to another state and I didn't meet the guy until I was 17. Once I got old enough to understand my mother explained to me that my father was abusive, abused drugs and was an alcoholic. And she literally had to run away from him to get us away out of fear that he would find her and us kids. my sister was 31\2 my brother 10 months and me unborn when she left so we disin't remember him. Then when I was about one she meet a women named elizabeth. They got into a relationship. I don't know if my mother was just sick of men or if she just was confused but they syayed together for 16 years (most of my childhood). They fought all the time. The women constantly cheated on my mother and always accused my mom of cheating though she never did. It really was a nightmare growing up in this sitiation. My momther finally left her when I was 16 and has dated constantly from that point forward.

So I do understand how that sort of thing can be difficult to deal with. I have asked her so many times why she just won't be on her own. But she won't.

I guess my point here is that there isn't much you can do that will change this. It's obvious that she has confidence issues. And nobody can fix that for her. It's something that she must take on herself.

As for you and your baby. Be smart. Do not take your child back into that situation. Your best option is to take care of your child and brother as best you can and ask your mom to be more discreet with her love life. I really do wish you the best of luck.

**marge673** · 04-04-2010 04:49 PM

I'm a psychotherapist with 35 yrs. of experience.

I see two things:

Because of all that you have been through, you have become your mother's caretaker. This just happens naturally to any daughter in your situation. You have to realize that it's a thankless and impossible role. If and when Mom ever gets her act together, it will be because SHE decided she had to. You are wonderful to try, but it won't help matters.

Secondly, you're repeating your mother's pattern of becoming involved with abusers. You can take back your power and do the opposite; that is, never allow anyone to treat you so horribly.

Please, the only life you can save is your own.

I was married to an abusive man. I divorced him, had my own therapy and am now happily married to a loving, decent man. It is possible to disrupt old patterns.. Be strong and brave.