Thread: Keeping Kids, (and yourself) Safe on the Internet

You have to become aware of what is out there and the
tips and tricks you can use, and then speak to your children.

Make them understand, (make yourself understand) that
a person can be anyone or anything they chose when hidden
by a keyboard.

A 56 year old bi-polar predator can claim to be a fifteen year
old boy, a twenty seven year old model, or post, at least in
the beginning, as a perfectly normal average individual.

On General Message Boards, (a topic I'll touch a bit later)
one will encounter a cross section of the public; as one
becomes more selective, the number of Nutjobs may increase
or decrease, depending on the topic.

In Chat, others have the opportunity to get closer than they
would posting in MBs, and the 'private room' chat is where
people can really get up close and personal.

Web cams can be saints or sinners.

Saints by exposing the appearance of the person on
the other end; Sinners by exposing you.

Disconnecting the cam, keeping it with you, only allowing
your child to use it in your presence is one way to prevent
too much exposure.

Further, keeping the computer out of the bedroom is another
way to monitor.

Just as most parents demand a door be left open when your
child entertains guests in his/her bedroom, so too with the
computer.

If the door is shut, that should send up an alert.

Open the door, ignore your child's demand for privacy and
ask what they are doing that needs privacy.

If the cam is on, take it away. If there is no cam, look
at the screen. If the child shuts the screen, remove the
computer.

The wisest thing is to buy a computer for 'everyone' and
put it in the front room or somewhere public. In this way,
you can see what your child is doing as you pass.

If it's noisy, get headphones.
Headphones have the extra benefit of letting you view
what the child is doing from behind him or her, while
s/he is locked into the private world.

This is YOUR child.
YOU have a DUTY to keep him or her SAFE.
Your DUTY overrides any idea of privacy.

So your first step is to Monitor what the child is doing.
This can be done by passing by periodically and glancing
at the screen.

The computer is not the enemy.
The Internet is not the Gate to .
Do not act as if whatever the child is doing
is probably illegal/sick etc.

When your child is on the internet, ask
for information...

"Can you find me a recipe for sour dough biscuits?"
is an easy step.

"What's the name of that Chinese Explorer who came
before Columbus?"

"Is there any news on the plane crash?"

"What does a wombat look like?"

These questions 'force' the child to see the Net
as a big book about everything.

In learning how to search, the child has given
him/herself an important tool.

You, by deferring to the child...(but let's not
be too annoying...one question a day or so.

AND SPEND TIME WITH THE CHILD GOING OVER
THE ANSWER.

It is so necessary for computing to be a Family
activity this can not be over emphasised.

When the child calls...

"Mom look at this!"

Drop everything and look at it.
If you go on as if you are not interested,
and what s/he is doing is not important,
you destroy the most precious relationship
you have.

There is no reason to create an artificial
'quality time' when you have it handed to
you.

Dinner can always be late, the bathroom
doesn't need to be cleaned this second.
The child needs you to be there...
just by calling you and wanting to share
something with you is the biggest gift
you will receive.

Go and see what it is, spend time, ask
questions, make the child know that learning
is a great thing. Be excited about it.

He may be showing you a frog with eight legs...
after your revulsion ask a question about that frog.

He might be showing you some incrediable graphics...
ask, discuss, use every second as part of the bonding
as part of the unfolding of knowledge.

If there are games, play them with the child...
computers are to bring people closer together.

Message Boards that ask a lot of information deserve
to be lied to.

Open an account anywhere and lie.
Lie about your real name, your real address...
for kids, they can use their real birthdays because
many sites protect kids, and need the birth day.

Here's a typical set of lies you can use

name....With Held
Address...1 Rocky Road, Brooklyn
zip code 11210
age...(truth, unless you want to lie about it)
income...(pick the lowest)
profession...(pick computer whatever)
martial status...(kids shouldn't be asked this)

Pick a user name
and a password

Anyone getting 'behind' the username meets With Held.

(other false names can be used, just lie)

Then think about why this MB needs so much information
about you.

If it is a specialised MB, if it has to do with your business,
then it falls into a different category. If it's just for fun...
hey! I'm having fun.

Or was....

This actually happened to me.

I joined an MB, I'll call it Alternative.

I didn't notice anything strange about it.
I entered all my information, honestly, and
began to read and make posts.

I was invited to 'Chat' and went in. Was
asked some questions in the general flow.

Subsequently I get an email at the unsecured
mailbox I had used. I didn't realise that the
mail box betrayed my real name to anyone
who sent me a message.

This creature began what is generally known
as 'stalking'.

At first I thought the remarks made, in re
what I had posted in chat was peculair...
after all he hadn't been there.

He admitted he was the owner of the MB
and he was privy to all chats.

A subsequent email using my real name,
having googled me, underlined, boldfaced,
set off in quotes, that this was a stalker of
the first level.

I blocked him, then went back into my email
account, changed everything, with the sense
of 'what a bore.'

Later, I realised to myself, what could have
been the outcome, if instead of living in Jamaica
I lived in New York.

He would have my home address, my phone number,
and could show up on my doorstep.

What if I were a child, and suddenly scared that
this guy who should know me as 'kaylar' instead
knew me by my real name?

I realised how dangerous Message Boards can
be in the hands of a stalker or mentally imbalanced
person.

Another person I had met had her home address
posted in a public forum as 'punishment'.

Hence, use care when joining message Boards.

The first rule of MBs is to Lurk.
Lurking is good.
Lurking is safe.

Yes, it feels like eavesdropping, but trust me, you'll
be glad you did.

Lurk on MBs where you can see and read the posts.
If you can not without joining, use a nick you may
discard, a safe email, and lurk.

Read the topics, read the responses, glance at chat,
see what's happening.

Spend at least two days lurking.

You may learn that Bozo is the 'goddess' of the
MB and can not be criticised or corrected.

You may find some awful trolls popping up to
attack posters with impunity.

You may find people off their meds.

Hence, you don't want to be there, so you leave.

If you've used your usual nick and can't delete
your account, you can make changes to render
it useless.

For example, on Alternative...

I went back on, deleted the posts I had made...
was not 'allowed' to do more than edit.
Good.
I erased everything I had posted and in it's
place typed...deleted.

I then went to my account, changed all
pertinent information, and my email to
memberwebsite.com.

I saved the information, and logged off...
this is because Alternative did not allow
me to delete my information or account.

If this is a kiddie website/message board...enter some
truth...but not all of it; i.e. street address & phone if
asked...and again...the safe email account.

Move around with the child...in fact...log on when
the child isn't there, in the child's name and nick
to see what is going on in there.

In some cases, it's really great. Lots of educational
but fun games, lots of nice kids...okay. No problem.

In other cases...well...myspace is no place for kids.

There are a lot of so-called 'teen' sites where sex
is the topic. If you find your kid on one of those...
it's now going to test your parenting skills.

I usually adopt the most bored voice and demeanor
and say something about the losers on that site
and suggest somewhere else to go.

I don't make a fuss, I don't have a heart attack,
I treat it with a yawn.

Most times kids will 'obey' that hidden request
to log off and stay off of that site.

If your child continues to visit that site, give it
a few days, maybe she's convincing herself it
is boring.

If she seems just as addicted to it as before...

Well, there's things you can do.
Delete the cookie, change the password...
block the site, etc.

Don't say anything...wait for her to confront
you...if she does. She might not. She might
not connect your three second yawn about
the site on sunday to the fact she can't
log on thursday.

Do not make a big thing out of the site.

If she confronts you...
that would mean she knows you erased
the cookie or whatever hacking trick you
did...
so lying about it is pointless.

If it's general..."Mom, did you log on to stupidstuff?"

"Of course not...took one look at the drivel they
were blabbing and put it on my 'must miss' list."
And leave it.

The point is, if there are interesting things to do
on the Net, then why is the kid stuck in stupidstuff?
What is the enticement?

Often, if you log on, you'll find some pathetic loser
trying to make her repulsive sexual exploitation
sound 'glamourous'.

You might want to report this to whatever agency
available in your area...for trust me...children who
need help often turn the tragedy around...

An Example....

Connie was raped by her mother's drunken boyfriend
and when she tried to tell her mother, it led to an
argument, because the mother claimed not to believe
her...(and the mother was completely dependent on
drunken boyfriend).

Connie gets on the Net and starts to describe sex
as if it's a new bicycle. The only way she can cope
with this is to cast it as..."He finds me sexier than
my mother"...

Connie is not going to get help from her mother.
Hence, you, or an agency, can correspond with Connie
and help her. By helping her, she will no longer be the
'threat' for your children.

A lot of parents are unnecessarily concerned about games.
This is because some should be terrified.

Kids who play games On Line...with other kids or in competition
with other kids are doing a cyber version of little league.

Kids who play games alone, esp. those mindless killing games
have to be interrupted.

I used to think that these games were good for eye/hand
coordination until I saw a retarded eight year old wipe the
floor with a computer engineer.

I couldn't believe it.
I watched avidly.

The engineer, a quick bright guy was never as fast as
the mentally challenged child who can't even answer
'hello'.

I realised that far from sharpening one's wits, it dulls
them, so that the child who is more reaction than thought
will do better because he can't think before he acts.

Years ago, when the Internet was new, there was a
trade fair, and kids lined up to 'try' the internet.

Some were looking up things they'd always been
interested in, some were asking the clerks where
to go for....
but some were playing these mindless games.

As it was a small community, I could follow the
paths of a number of these kids.

Those who used the 'Net for knowledge subsequently
went on to University and obtained good jobs. Those
who played games did not do very well.

In fact, one lad who got so many opportunities and
didn't have the sense to take them, is currently
working for his uncle. Fortunate that he has an
uncle to work for.

I have used computer enhanced testing to make
predictions about children, which have been remarkably
accurate.

The child left in a room with a computer connected to
the internet who sets about writing emails, checking
various sites is clearly more intelligent than the one
who sits down and plays solitare or connects to a
mindless gaming/porn network.

So don't ignore the child who seems unable to do
more than play mindless games.

Some may come home from school, and to get rid
of stress play for about forty five minutes, then
switch to something requiring a bit more intellect.

That is perfectly acceptable.
But the child who makes no contact with others,
no message boards, no chat rooms, no advanced
research...that is the one you need to guide to
more useful places on the net.