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Thread: My Sister-in-Law Hurts My Feelings

  1. #1
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    Default My Sister-in-Law Hurts My Feelings


    Hello---

    I just cannot stop thinking about this issue with my sister-in-law.
    My friends tell me to just ignore her, but it makes me really angry.

    I live in Dallas, TX with my wonderful new husband. He is from this area, and his mom, stepdad, sister and her family all live here. His father passed away 4 years ago.

    We met in October 2008, were engaged by May 2009, and married in October 2009. His mom thought it was all too fast, and initially told him he should wait to marry me, etc. I am 31 and he is 34. We have good jobs, and he owns a home. We are hardly kids. But anyway....my husband blew it off, and explained to his mother that we were in love and getting married, and she needed to get on the train because it was leaving the station with or without her. She got on the train, and I really forgave her for saying all of those things to him cautioning him about marrying me.

    His sister (36) is quiet and pretty shy. She was fairly nice to me at first. In my job, I get loads of free baby goods, and I really have showered her daughter and infant son with high-end baby goods. I am so kind to all of them. Never said a bad word. Man, if I were her, I would be thrilled to have me as a sister in law.

    The mother-in-law encouraged me to ask the sister to be a bridesmaid, and I did. She did not come to my bachelorette. And she apparently was livid because my husband's out of town family through me a bridal shower, and we flew in for it. She was angry at her mother for not facilitating a shower with the aunts, too. ALL of my out-of-town friends asked why she was not talking to me the day of the wedding. It has just gotten worse and worse. We asked to come over and go swimming in their pool one day, and she just stayed inside the house, and left a pile of magazines outside for us. We asked to stop by to give her some baby shoes that she wanted, and she just told us to put them in the mailbox.

    My husband finally told his mother that he was very hurt by his sister's actions. The mother was very upset, saying she hoped we did not notice, and that the sister was acting just terribly toward me, and the sister was wrong. But she has not said or done anything. This means, essentially, she does not care one way or the other. She is letting her daughter get away with bad behavior. I would NEVER act like his sister, but my family would ALWAYS check me on bad behavior. No way would anyone I love let me act like a mean fool to someone.

    Here is the thing, I cannot sit across this sister at dinner every Sunday night with her blowing me off. It is so dumb. There is no reason for her not to like me, but I will not be treated with disrespect. But what do we do about Easter and her kid's birthday parties? We are her two childrens only aunt and uncle, and we want to be there for them.

    It is a no-win. She likely does not want me at her house for their birthdays, but she would likely complain to her husband and her mom if I did not show up, too. Part of the problem here is I have a lot of friends, and people almost always really like me. I am not competitive or gossipy at all. This just hurts my feelings, and it makes me sad because they are the only family we have around here...mine is so far away.

    Does anyone have any advice for me?

  2. #2
    Silver Contributor 100+ Posts Array TWills32's Avatar
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    Have you tried talking to her about it? Maybe bring it up gently, just say, "I feel there are some negative feelings in our relationship as sister-in-laws. I really want us to get along, so please tell me if I have done or said anything to upset you, so we can make this right." I had to go through basically the same thing with my husband's sister. If she won't try to fix things, ask to her at least be civil at family gatherings and kids birthday parties, for the sake of the family and kids. If you don't feel comfortable talking to her, maybe your husband would? He could let her know he feels she is being unreasonable and hurting your feelings. I hope I helped a little bit Good luck!



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    Silver Contributor 100+ Posts Array MissMeSha810's Avatar
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    Unhappy Sad Face.

    Quote Originally Posted by TWills32 View Post
    Have you tried talking to her about it? Maybe bring it up gently, just say, "I feel there are some negative feelings in our relationship as sister-in-laws. I really want us to get along, so please tell me if I have done or said anything to upset you, so we can make this right." I had to go through basically the same thing with my husband's sister. If she won't try to fix things, ask to her at least be civil at family gatherings and kids birthday parties, for the sake of the family and kids. If you don't feel comfortable talking to her, maybe your husband would? He could let her know he feels she is being unreasonable and hurting your feelings. I hope I helped a little bit Good luck!
    I agree with Twills. Just try talking to her. Also consider this, your husband is her baby brother, correct? There may be a twinge of jealousy going on especially if they r close and they were always spending time together and are not now due to the fact that he has you. (I've been the jealous sister and the wife that the family has been jealous of) If the talking to does not help, give it a little time and keep us posted.
    Last edited by MissMeSha810; 03-19-2010 at 10:57 AM. Reason: Added Sentence
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    Default I feel your pain

    I can definitely empathize with the whole "evil" sister in law dilemma, and how best to address it. Although I am not yet married (I will be in less than a month) I have two future sister in laws who are a handful, and really hard to ignore. As an only child I didn't have siblings growing up, but my parents definitely emphasized the importance of being open minded and flexible in all situations, and to always try my best not to take things personally, so I've never really had issues relating to people or dealing with people...until now. I would say alot of the issues began when my fiance and I got engaged. Literally 1 month after we got engaged, we were informed that his sister (who had been married for 2 months at that point) would be trying for a baby. She had the grace and good sense to inform her parents that she was pregnant when they were in the car on their way to my law school graduation. Sweet gal, huh? That was pretty much the moment when any acknowledgment of our engagment ended and all focus turned to his sister. No one asked how the wedding planning was going from that point until now. I think maybe once his sister inquired into what I wanted her son to wear for the occasion. At my recent shower, neither one of his sisters acknowledged my presence at all. They just sat in a corner and chatted amongst themselves. To say that I am happy that I am going to be legally bound to these people in a few short weeks makes me want to throw up in my mouth a little bit.

    The bottom line? I think you just have to learn how to cope. No matter what background you came from, your in-laws will be a part of your life whether you like it or not. The hardest part I think is learning how to pick your battles. I was able to bounce back from so much of the disappointment that I've experience through my dealings with them by focusing on more positive things----like planning small outings with my fiance, or spending time with my friends. I am beginning to think that dealing with inlaws in a diplomatic manner is the root of the phrase "easier said than done," but I also think that I'm learning about myself because of what I'm going through...I really appreciate reading everyones thoughts on the subject though...it is helpful to see I'm not the only one out there in this type of situation.

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    Junior Member Array TrixieNights's Avatar
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    Well, I can tell you I would rather have you as a sister in law then my own. You sound a lot like me and I am having problem with my sister in law as well. I wish I knew what advice to get you, because my mom and friends all say the same thing with the just ignore her. My mother in law has actually said that she believes my sister in law is jealous. Idk of what but maybe for some reason that is the case with your sister in law.

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    Default My sister-in-law is beyond Evil....

    I just want to say something that I just figured out, these sisters could not get away with this if their family including your husband or husband to be put a stop to it. This has taken along time to figure out but this epiphany just came to me as I was reading this thread.

    I have been married for 6.5 years and was with my husband for 3 years prior. He was 42 and I was 36 when we me, both no children, sucessful business persons, owned our own homes, boats and love and owned multiple cars. We were perfect for each other... but his sister had other ideas for me and it was not to marry her brother that did everything for her and took her and her child (go figure the father wouldn't marry her) everywhere and did everything for the little girl. She had plans of her own and that was to rid her life of me and keep her life just as it was....

    First time I ever met her my husband said we were going to stop by a little get together for her b-day, I gave her a basket of high end candles and such from my store. When she opened my gift infront of everyone instead of the oh thanks, she gave everyone else I got, "Candles give me a headache," and threw them on the floor. A few months later when her brother and myself started getting serious I get this six page typed letter to my shop telling me of what a lying, cheating, SOB her brother and just like their father he would leave me like his dad left their mom dying of a brain tumor and thought nothing like it. I was in shock, was this woman a lunatic or just plain psycho, I could not believe someone would write a letter like that. My husband asked me to blow it off as just jelousy, and I did. Your gonna love this, she gets sick in a car when she is not in the front seat so everytime we went out with his sister and her 8 year old daughter I would get shoved in the back seat while they talk like I was not alive. You just cannot imagine how much fun I had talking to her daughter about Barbie's and Bratz dolls but I was trying to be nice. The final straw was his sister Rose got the idea that she could drop the child off and leave her their till it was way to late for us to do anything and always have a lame excuse as to why she did it. One day she begs me to watch her daughter since she had to go and get her hair done and I agree to watch her for a couple hours, 8.5 hours later at 10:30 she shows up to pick her up knowing that we had plans that night.

    Fast forward, we deceide to get married and I couldn't be happier. Out of courtesy I ask his only sister to stand up in our wedding. Her response was, I really wouldn't feel right. Wow if that didn't make me feel good. Her daughter and my two nieces did, and I bought them all matching jewlery and shoes. (Silver jewelery and shoes) and couldn't understand when an hour before our wedding her daughter bops into the wedding room in blue jeans when we were supposed to be taking pics. I freaked and she came back 15 minutes later with gold shoes and jewlery and her hair was all frizzy just tied in a pony tail, I didn't know what to say.... (We got married in a hotel so everyone was there all day and had pleanty of time) Rose's daughter had this really weird friend, the kids was so strange, but Rose tells me she is inviting her to my wedding, I said NO, there are no kids allowed and her daughter had my nieces to play with. Who do you think comes into my wedding at 9pm, you guessed it the little girl. Oh and by the way Rose is totally toasted by 7pm, she is power drinking big time and forgets she has a kid and a guest to take care of. The last song of the night is a very special song for me and hubby and we cannot dance to it because Roses daughter and friend are log rolling back and forth on the dance floor, where is mom... She is hammering more drinks before they shut the bar. As I am walking to our rrom the desk cleark informs me that these two 10 year old girls are runnign throught all the floors of the hotel and wants to know where their mom is... she is in the hotel bar after 7 hours of free drinking.

    I could go on and on with tales of shock and disgust, but I will try to keep them to a minimum. My husband had a business and his sister that had this really great job at a large hotel chain was suddonly fired after 20 years with no supposed reason, stay with me I think you will figure this out on your own.
    She is 41 years old pregnant and the father will not answer any calls and dumps her, and BAM she is fired instantly with no reason. Hubby takes her into his business as an office manager and gives her a 35% interest in the company. All said and done 10 years later he has me look at his books over xmas and I find that she is robbing him blind, gee think this might have to have something with her being fired from the hotel?? Its bad, she is stealing money and writing checks out of his personal accoutn that she will not turn over and keeps paying our bills, and hers as we find out. She is just a B&^$% and cost us a fortune to get her out of there, but I think she is out of my life. Nope she starts writing these letters of how horible I am and how I did all this to make her look bad and yadi yadi yadi.

    I think she is out of my life, I even loose a baby going through all this with her. But guess what 5 years later I deceide to throw a surprise b-day party for my hubby's 50th and just tell him that we are inviting a few freinds for dinner and let him walk into a party of 150 and the bday gift my two daughter and my self did for him. His first car was a 1979 trans am and we total restored him one. He says he wants her there, and I should get over it and let her come. Now he says if she cannot come he does not want a party. He has been talking to her lately and guess what it is not going back to her in my life tearing me down and making fun of my kids.

    I know this sounds bad but, my husband is a weakling and maybe he finds some strand enjoyment in having himself dragged between us both. I am not playing that game, I feel for the first time I know what is going on and maybe this goof family thrives off of these crazy games.

    I guess all I am saying is that it don't get any better, make sure you really want to live with this siter-in-law before you say I do.

  7. #7
    TEAM ADMIN Array CHANDLERS WISH's Avatar
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    This thread, the OP never replied to, so I could make this a new thread for you but it wouldn't make sense So I'll reply instead, to you.

    Your husband is not a weakling? He has a heart. He gave his sister 35% interest of a Company. She feels in-secure, wants to go somewhere in life but has only been a worker, 20 years. She felt threatened from you, your a business woman and she feels intimidated by you... You have taken alot of things personally, instead of seeing it as it is... She would have preferred you to love her, like her and accept her for who she is. But, in my honest opinion, the way you have written this? She is the beatch, she is nothing, she is a loser. How is she meant to bond with you? Off course she is going to do what ever she can to diss you...

    I understand the candles sparked the flame so to speak From that, you assumed she was a nasty person and the bond never happened. She was struggling with herself, who she is... How she hasn't gotten anywhere in life, yet her brother has and he has ended up with a business woman... That is exactly, what he said. Jealousy...

    Your calling his family a "goof family" that's disrespectful.. You need to see that it's not as easy as you think, people can have jealousy, fear, and they need understanding.

    I'm sorry you lost a baby over this. But, you I believe lost the understanding as well..

    Family is family... She is not evil.. She's just a lost soul.. Who wants to also feel important.

    She's 41, pregnant, father ditches her, she's fired. I understand that she may have taken from your husband that is wrong. But she is a wanna be, and can't get there. She maybe hooked up with someone financial but he won't have it...

    She maybe wasn't loved much in her life. Want to help that all change? Your husband does....

    CW
    PUT A LITTLE LIGHT IN MY SOUL!

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    I disagree with CW. I think you have your sister-in-law pegged. I cannot see how you could make up with someone who did steal you blind and would probably do it again. I don't see how a bad relationship is justification for stealing. Why wasn't that pursued in the courts? If you live in a community property state, your Husband has no right giving 35% of a company that you partially own (assuming you were married before he did that) without consulting with you first.

    Unfortunately for you, his sister is family and as so is forgiven. If you didn't have the businesses anchoring you, I would say move far away. What do you realistically want to do about this?

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    TEAM ADMIN Array CHANDLERS WISH's Avatar
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    Guess I believe in forgiving and getting help

    Seems she also drinks to excess. And, If I was reading right, the business came into to it some 6 years after the OP met, before the stealing..

    Addictive personality comes to mind.. drinks, steals, gets pregant, not married at 41, trying to keep the love of her brother by outing the woman, lost soul, someone who perhaps hasn't ever felt love and has gone through life, doing everything possible to destroy themselves and everyone in it.

    I'd help, but that's me... She needs support and councelling if she was ever to be able to change... I wouldn't take my brother or sister to Court, I'd get them help...

    Not disagreeing with you jns, just perhaps explaining why I feel that she needs support and help... I wouldn't want a sister in law like that either, but why give up on someone?

    CW
    PUT A LITTLE LIGHT IN MY SOUL!

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    Default Dump the Sister-In-Law NOW

    Dump Sister-In-Law NOW!
    Quote Originally Posted by Taylor31 View Post
    Hello---

    I just cannot stop thinking about this issue with my sister-in-law.
    My friends tell me to just ignore her, but it makes me really angry.

    I live in Dallas, TX with my wonderful new husband. He is from this area, and his mom, stepdad, sister and her family all live here. His father passed away 4 years ago.

    We met in October 2008, were engaged by May 2009, and married in October 2009. His mom thought it was all too fast, and initially told him he should wait to marry me, etc. I am 31 and he is 34. We have good jobs, and he owns a home. We are hardly kids. But anyway....my husband blew it off, and explained to his mother that we were in love and getting married, and she needed to get on the train because it was leaving the station with or without her. She got on the train, and I really forgave her for saying all of those things to him cautioning him about marrying me.

    His sister (36) is quiet and pretty shy. She was fairly nice to me at first. In my job, I get loads of free baby goods, and I really have showered her daughter and infant son with high-end baby goods. I am so kind to all of them. Never said a bad word. Man, if I were her, I would be thrilled to have me as a sister in law.

    The mother-in-law encouraged me to ask the sister to be a bridesmaid, and I did. She did not come to my bachelorette. And she apparently was livid because my husband's out of town family through me a bridal shower, and we flew in for it. She was angry at her mother for not facilitating a shower with the aunts, too. ALL of my out-of-town friends asked why she was not talking to me the day of the wedding. It has just gotten worse and worse. We asked to come over and go swimming in their pool one day, and she just stayed inside the house, and left a pile of magazines outside for us. We asked to stop by to give her some baby shoes that she wanted, and she just told us to put them in the mailbox.

    My husband finally told his mother that he was very hurt by his sister's actions. The mother was very upset, saying she hoped we did not notice, and that the sister was acting just terribly toward me, and the sister was wrong. But she has not said or done anything. This means, essentially, she does not care one way or the other. She is letting her daughter get away with bad behavior. I would NEVER act like his sister, but my family would ALWAYS check me on bad behavior. No way would anyone I love let me act like a mean fool to someone.

    Here is the thing, I cannot sit across this sister at dinner every Sunday night with her blowing me off. It is so dumb. There is no reason for her not to like me, but I will not be treated with disrespect. But what do we do about Easter and her kid's birthday parties? We are her two childrens only aunt and uncle, and we want to be there for them.

    It is a no-win. She likely does not want me at her house for their birthdays, but she would likely complain to her husband and her mom if I did not show up, too. Part of the problem here is I have a lot of friends, and people almost always really like me. I am not competitive or gossipy at all. This just hurts my feelings, and it makes me sad because they are the only family we have around here...mine is so far away.

    Does anyone have any advice for me?

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