Major issues with my sister

**czarina8662** · 03-19-2010 12:54 PM

Sorry this is so long!!
I need some advice! My sister is 6 years older than me. I am now 47 and she is 53. She has hated me from the time I was born.
Always verbally abusive-putting me down, very sarcastic, etc. Never Physical, only verbal. I am very sensitive and she has no sensitive bones in her body--so she always picked on me about that.
She moved in with our Grandmother when she was 12-our Grandfather had just passed away so she went to keep our Grandmother company. She was spoiled rotten by her, while I was spoiled by our parents. Though she was spoiled by them as well. I always looked up to her as she was my big sister-even though she was always so mean to me.
She moved into her own apartment at age 18, stressing she was so independant. Though she had our Grandmother do her laundry and always came to Dad for extra cash.
My Dad always said he loved her, but didn't like her!
I lived with my parents=they never wanted me to move out. She continued to be spoiled by them as she got married the first time. Our parents put her hubby thru school, bought them cars, bought items for the grandkids, furniture, etc. They also did things for me--but she HATED that. She complained all the time to me about that.
She is only nice to me and my Mom when she wants something or is putting on a show for other people.
She never calls Mom unless she wants something. She always makes fun of her behind her back-saying Mom is stupid, clumsy, deaf, has no friends, etc. I still live with Mom-we share all expenses and things are fine-My dad died of stomach cancer in 91. My sister hates that I am still there with mom, even though she has her own life. She is on her second marriage and has kids and grandkids. To me, it is none of her business.
Mom had a stroke on Dec 5th. I found her on the floor, mumbling and making no sense at all. I called my sister from the emergency room. She said she would come up later on-possibly after she took a shower and ate. I am all by myself at the hospital, not knowing if Mom is going to make it or not-dealing with all the doctors and trying to make decisions.
My sister shows up 13 hours after I called her. She makes a big production of acting like she cares.
Mom was transferred to a skilled nursing facility 3 days later, where she stayed for just over a month. I took 2 weeks off from work so I could be up there with her every day. My sister came up twice.
When Mom came home, she needed 24/7 care. My sisters daughter who is 27 and out of work at the moment, said she would do it. But my sister demanded she be paid over $3500 a month. I balked and we argued. I had to talk to my niece privately and decide on a suitable pay that would not not drain mom's bank account.
My sister went on and on that Mom will be dead soon and the house sold, so I need to just pack up and move out now. I am trying to get my mom home and better, and all she is concerned with is money!
She wants mom to access her pension plan-take it all out in one lump sum, invest and live off the interest. Mom would never do that--she wants the security of a monthly check. But my sister is worried that if Mom only collected a couple checks then died, SHE would not get any of the remainder.
She put on a big act the first couple days Mom was home=like she was this loving, caring daughter. It made me sick!
My niece is her puppet. I had to stop the mail delivery so she would not go thru it every day. My niece tossed out every drop of food in the house. My sister tells me that I let Mom live in filth and that I am horrible. Yet--they gave me a grocery list to replace most of the stuff she threw out!

I got Mom to a lawyer to do a living trust and I have Power of Attorney now. Mom is leaving me the house so my sister can't do anything about that. But so far My sister and niece do not know anything about it yet. I have not told them. They still think Mom has no will.
I am the one that deals with the doctors, her work, the banks, orders her medicines, gets brain exercise CD's for her, etc. My sister has not come over or called mom since the 3rd day she was home.

My niece is driving Mom's car, comes over to the house during the week and she does clean, but she leaves mom in front of the TV most of the time. Mom can get around with a walker and is getting her memory back but she needs the games and exercises to help. My niece won't do any of them, no matter how many times I stress it to her. She does take Mom to her doctor and physical therapy appts.
But now she is asking for over $300 a week to take care of Mom. Her unemployment was cut off and she needs money. What we are paying her in under the table. She will be there 8 hours a day. First she tried to dictate to me the hours she would work. I told her no, that I wanted her there so she can do all 3 meals for mom and get mom to help in the kitchen. She didn't like that but is complying. BUT she does not stay for the full 8 hours--she brings a friend in the morning and takes him home. Being gone for at least an hour. Yet she claims she is working 8 hours.
Then I discovered she was giving Mom a Vicodin pain pill EVERY MORNING. The doctor had prescribed it for Mom's bad knee, for when it was really hurting. My niece was at the doctors with her and I guess is so dense that she decided Mom must need that everyday for pain. I discovered it and removed it from mom's pills.

I would love to get my niece out of there and have a licensed care giver in, who would make mom do the brain exercises, get in the kitchen, etc. But I know Mom is comfortable with her granddaughter, so that is hard.
Plus I know my sister would come after me big time if I did. Her husband already called one night and threatened to kill my dog if I had him at the house when my niece was there to take care of Mom. I have had to leave him at my boyfriends everyday. My brother in law also screamed and swore at me that the whole family hates me, that I am selfish, do not care about mom--all because my dog was going to be there. It is his house too!!! And my dog is a French Bulldog--not a killer dog by any means. He loves his grandma!!!

Right now I really want nothing to do with my sister or her husband. My niece I am not real happy with either, but My mom is comfortable with her.
I have to do what is best for my mom. I really dont' care about making peace with my sister. She has hated me since day one and I know she will continue to til she dies. She just wants Mom's money and to kick me to the curb.

I just would like some advise on how to deal with all this. I am worn out from all the stress. I just want to concentrate on getting mom better!
I want to be as mean and hurtful to my sister as she is to me, but I just can't do it for some reason. I hate that about myself!!!

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 03-23-2010 01:46 AM

Welcome to the Forum

I need some advice! My sister is 6 years older than me. I am now 47 and she is 53

Quoted this so the posters get a grasp on age, it's a long thread

She moved in with our Grandmother when she was 12-our Grandfather had just passed away so she went to keep our Grandmother company.

My immediate thoughts are? That she didn't feel loved, she would never have moved if she did, at that age.

It may even have been a simple thing such as post natal depression but something wasn't right for her to have moved at 12.

I lived with my parents=they never wanted me to move out.

You have shown her that you have been happy living there, you've stated in your opinion that your Dad shows loves but doesn't love her, another problem for her, she feels it, felt it.... Your 47 and still living at home, never married, have a boyfriend and love your parents.

She moved away at 18, claiming to be in-dependent and tried. She's been married twice... She's kind of a lost soul I think...

I'm sorry your Dad died, but she in my opinion never felt loved as I said, and as you've been there 47 years with love as you state, she's jealous.

Now she sees she has to defend, protect, claim after all those years of not, otherwise, she would never have continued to "try" to get money from them it wasn't money it was love...

Have you ever asked her why she left at 12? It wasn't because she felt sorry for her grandparents, her parents would never have let her go, there was a reason.. What was it?

You need to connect with her and ask her and tell her whilst you have a boyfriend, never married, cared for family she is your sister and you realise that something is up, what happened to her to have wanted so badly to leave? What happened to her that she wanted to shout to the world at 18, I am independent, I can fend for myself, I can do this? What happened?

See you are protecting now by being an executor, I am a real estate agent by trade,
too many times we see the evil but not the reason, too many times we don't see their pain, just the effects....

Your sister in my opinion is holding on, to what is hers, to what she missed and as I said, what was that?

CW

I just would like some advise on how to deal with all this. I am worn out from all the stress. I just want to concentrate on getting mom better!
I want to be as mean and hurtful to my sister as she is to me, but I just can't do it for some reason. I hate that about myself!!!

You can't because you have a heart, but maybe, just maybe deep down inside as well you are wondering why she is like this, has been like this all those years.....

You have a good heart, look inside of it and wonder more of why?

**czarina8662** · 04-13-2010 03:19 PM

Thank you so much for responding.
I was 6 when our grandfather died and my sister moved in with our grandmother. So all I know is what everyone kept saying over the years--my sister, Mom, Dad and our grandmother all said that she went to live with her to keep her company now that her husband of 35+ years had died. Our grandmother didn't drive and didn't work, so all I can assume is my sister was there to keep her occupied and her mind off my grandfathers passing. Though my mother had to go take her to school each day, drive her friends around, etc.

My dad loved her and would do just about anything for her--same as he did with me. But he didn't like her as a person. I don't think she ever knew what he really thought about her--he was so good at covering that part. She was upset when he died--though I do believe it was mainly cause her "go-to" guy for money and other stuff was now gone.

From the time I was about 11, she would tell me I need to start giving my number to boys, stop playing with toys, etc. She always felt that you had to have a boyfriend or you were worthless. I think that is why she married at 21, then after 7 years of marriage, had a affair with her brother in law (her husband's sister's husband), then married him.

It is just hard for me to fathom why she hates me so much. She chose the life she has and seems happy with it. So why does she even care about my life??? It should be none of her concern.
I am not married as I have never met anyone that was special enough to marry. My boyfriend now is the closest and who knows what the future holds.

She still has not come over to see Mom, or called her since January 20th. They did have Mom come over to her house for my great nephew's 4th birthday a few weeks ago---I was not invited-my niece came over and got Mom! Afterwards, Mom told me how both my sister and brother in law kept asking her if she was ready to do a Will yet. Mom told them that I was handling everything. So I am sure that made them angry.

My niece does whatever her mother tells her to do, which is hampering Mom's recovery I feel. Mom is doing a lot better, though names and words she still has trouble with.
My goal is to get Mom as close to the way she was before the stroke as possible. So I am going to do everything in my power to help her. Right after she came home, one of the last digs my sister made to me, was that Mom will never be the way she was and I need to realize that, to just make her comfortable for the little time she has left, plus start packing all my things from the house since it will be sold the moment Mom dies.
My brother in law said that too-even my niece.
I decided though, that I don't accept that. I believe Mom can get better and be more independant again. In fact she is getting dressed each morning, combing her hair, taking a bath, etc.
When left alone, she heats up a dinner in the microwave. She isn't ready for the stove just yet, I feel. I got her a bunch of frozen dinners to heat up.
My niece though, has decided to make Mom a huge lunch every day. I asked her not to, explaining that at some point she will get a job again and won't be coming over all the time, so Mom needs to start doing for herself. She refuses to listen to me and made a huge lunch yesterday for Mom. Why should mom have any motivation to do for herself when she is being waited on??? I am worried that when my niece finally does get a job and does not come around anymore--that it will then be harder for Mom to get that motivation. I told my niece she can make a lunch once a week, that is fine. But Mom needs to be able to do things on her own.
I tried to explain to her that even though it is her grandmother and she loves her, I am the one making the decisons for mom and I need to make them based on what is in mom's best interest. Not what is going to make my niece feel like she did a good deed.
It is like when I have to get after my boyfriend when he gives my dog table scraps. While it makes him feel all warm and fuzzy to give him a treat and my dog is enjoying it, it isn't good for his sensitive tummy and skin-I am the one that has to then take care of him.

It is true I would love to know why she is the way she is, but she will never ever tell me-even if she is aware of what the reason is.
I know they say families should stick together, but then I remember the day of Mom's stroke. I had no "family" helping me at all-they couldn't be bothered. Mom could have died at any moment and it would have been just me dealing with it all. I can pretty much guarantee you that IF that had happened, she would still have not come up to be with me. She would have pretended to be sad, but would have needed to eat lunch or take a shower so she would be too busy to come up. I know her too well!

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 04-13-2010 03:53 PM

It is just hard for me to fathom why she hates me so much. She chose the life she has and seems happy with it. So why does she even care about my life??? It should be none of her concern

I was 6 when our grandfather died and my sister moved in with our grandmother. So all I know is what everyone kept saying over the years--my sister, Mom, Dad and our grandmother all said that she went to live with her to keep her company now that her husband of 35+ years had died.

Think if you were 6 years of age. Would you really know what you wanted? I wouldn't... Is it possible that, she felt she never had a Mother or Father figure properly in her life, instead she lived with an elderly lady, whilst you lived with your Mother and Father, resentment.. Even, if it's sub-consciously, she also never had that sister, to play with, so she didn't play with dolls as much, she sought out love, she needed love, so she moved real quick on that one, from a young age, and resented men as well, I think, seeing as she was not in control, it was purely taking from men... including Money from your Father, yet she was sad when he died, because she never had that Father, waking up in the morning at 6am, saying "good morning princess"... Just visits. From her family, and Mum taking her to school, she didn't grow up with a family.

I think she has distaste for her family.. I feel that she has felt un-loved, ditched... 6 years of age, it's a physcological thing.

If that was how I thought, felt, then I wouldn't care to help you either, with Mum.. The love she wanted, wasn't given in the way she wanted and needed and so, whilst she has love, she can't express it and give it...

Put yourself in her shoes, and off course, I'm guessing here, but it's a feeling that I have over this...

If that was you? How would you feel towards your family?

And, as for you, how did you feel not having that sister, to play with every day?

I think she's hurting and has all her life, when one day she woke up and realised, her family made her live somewhere else, they didn't want her.

I bet that's how she felt.. One day...

CW

**czarina8662** · 04-14-2010 12:47 PM

She was 12 when she moved in with our grandmother-I was 6.
From what my mom has said, my sister never played with dolls ever, growing up. She was always more into socializing with her friends. She was a person that just wanted to grow up fast!
She never wanted to play with me either-the age difference was just big enough that we had nothing in common.
She has even told me it was basically her idea to move in with our grandmother, so it wasn't forced on her at all. I think she was jealous of sharing attention with me and wanted attention all for herself-which she got from our grandmother. She catered to my sister, anything she wanted, she got. Plus she had my mom at her beck and call whenever she wanted a ride somewhere. So it is a bit hard for me to feel sorry for her, like she was this wounded soul who felt like a outcast.

My dad was always very attentive and loving towards her--he never withheld love or affection from her.
She always says that she does not believe he was her biological father though. Mom broke off an engagement to a man in the military 3 months before she met my dad. We also discovered some years ago, that Mom had a child when she was 18 and gave it up for adoption. She never told my sister or I. Only my grandparents and Mom's brothers and Sister knew. I don't believe my dad ever knew, though I can't be sure.
My sister feels because of those instances, plus she and I look nothing alike, that our Mom was a tramp and who knows who her real father is (her words, not mine).
It reminds me of a story my Mom used to tell me, of my grandmother's Sister. There were 2 boys and 4 girls in the family. My Great Aunt always wanted to be noticed, so she would tell people she was stolen from a Gypsy camp and left on the doorstep of THIS family as a infant. That is why she is nothing like them!
I wonder if that is where my sister gets it!!

If she does feel resentment towards me and does not want to help with Mom--OK, just say so and that is fine-I do kind of wish she would just step aside so I can concentrate on Mom's recovery. But she will go on like she cares so much, then her actions and words prove otherwise. All she wants is Mom's pension plan--She must feel that money will mean love to her or something.

I am a very sensitive, emotional, caring person so even I tried to put myself in her shoes, I would never feel the resentment and hate that she does. I see all the love and support Mom and Dad, and even myself gave her over the years so it is next to impossible for me to feel whatever it is she feels.

Sometimes I do think about what it would be like to have a sister that I could confide in, share secrets with, etc. But I have some amazing friends that I can do that with so I really am not lacking.
It just would be nice to have a conversation with her, without feeling put down constantly and needing to defend myself and/or Mom at every turn. But if that is not meant to be, then it is not meant to be.
At least I know I was never hurtful and cruel to her like she has always been to me. I always loved her, even when she was berating me.

I just have a feeling that when the time comes and Mom is gone--then I will never see my sister again--EVER! Once the Living Trust is dealt with and she gets her share-she will close that chapter of her life and be done with it.

**KMonte85** · 04-14-2010 12:58 PM

it seems the best thing you can do is try to limit the amount of time spent in her company. If she brings you down every time she's around or you speak with her, then the best thing is to cut the visits/conversations short and go on... you have power of attorney now so there is VERY little your sister can do to force you or your mom to do anything. Try to focus on keeping your mom going and improving her health, and don't worry about what sis thinks about what you're doing, if she says you're wasting your time or whatnot. That is your time, and its best spent how you see fit.. Your mom still seems to be pretty lucid so she will make the decisions she can (like about having your neice there to help instead of a professional), and that you need to accept. But you sister and BIL berating you? No. That should be stopped, perhaps with an ubrupt end to the conversation (ie - tell them to leave the house, close the door in their face, hang up the phone). You can't control their outbursts, but you can control how you handle them and how often you expose yourself to them.

She seems to have quite a negative energy to her, at least in the sense that she's causing you undue stress and anxiety. Sure, it seems she had a bumpy road in her life and she's acting out because of it. That is not your burden to bear. And about your comment that when Mom is gone, she will be out of your life forever... think hard about how that will affect you. Does the negative of having your sister separate herself from you outweight the positive of the situation? To men, from what you've written, she will be doing you a favor if/when she ever decides to leave you alone...

We can't choose our family, oh how I know that.... but we can choose how much they will influence our lives, our happiness. If you've got a great circle of friends, consider yourself blessed to have found such a wonderful adopted group of siblings- one that gives you what your biological siblings can't.

**grrrr** · 04-14-2010 01:12 PM

It sounds to me more like she hates herself. She certainly has an "entitled" sensibility.... I honestly think that you did the right thing by seeking out a lawyer - to protect your mother. It doesn't seem like you're out to get everything for yourself, or leave your sister high and dry, but rather that you're looking out for your mother's best interest.

My uncle - father's brother is just like that - however, he's younger. My father is a self-made man, and he's so very generous. My uncle has always lived in his shadow, though, he's quite successful in his own right. Some people are just inherently jealous... and mean... They don't speak very often, and when we see him - he's very snarky, always trying to out-do my dad.... it's pathetic. When my sister and I were young, he'd ask who my parents "favored" - this was like when I was 4 and my sister was 8.... we'd just look at him with wide eyes, and walk away....

I have an older sister who is a successful lawyer, she went to better schools than I did b/c she had better grades (not to say that I'm an idiot, but I didn't really thrive until college), but we never never had that competition between one another - perhaps b/c my parents saw us as individuals with our own strengths... So, we've always been close, and I'm sorry to hear that you don't have that relationship.

People are strange, and when it comes to money, they can be greedy and evil....

Don't think twice about your sister, and I don't think that I'd tell her about the lawyer just yet.... she sounds kind of scary... who knows what she's capable of.... And you know what? If after the family trust is taken care of and she disappears, it sounds like your life will be a little less stressful. She doesn't sound like she adds much positive value - if any - to it anyway....

Good luck. Families can be really tough - b/c you just can't get away from them!

**czarina8662** · 04-27-2010 11:50 PM

Thank you everyone for your advice. It helps alot.
My sister is still pulling stuff-using my niece as her puppet.
When Mom had the stroke, my niece told me that her car needed some major repairs done. She is out of work and could not afford it at the time. I knew Mom would not be driving for awhile and I didn't want her car just sitting in the driveway. So I offered it to my niece to drive until Mom was ready to drive again. When my niece was to be the caregiver for Mom, I told her since she was using Mom's car, she would be responsible for taking Mom to all doctor appts.
She does pay for the gas and oil changes, but the car is under Mom's insurance. My niece takes that car everywhere--out of state to her Mother's mountain cabin, to help her friends move all over the state, etc.
To me, that was not the intention when she was allowed to drive the car. Maybe I didn't spell it out to her, but I thought it was understood. I just know if the roles were reversed--I would never just take the car places like that, without asking permission-and even then I would not feel right!
Then this past Friday, she has the nerve to tell my Mother that she just does not know what she will do when Mom needs the car back, because she has no car at all now and how can she look for work, etc. A real sob story she put on! She knew that my Mom, in her frame of mind, would tell her that she can have the car, that she won't be driving again, etc. I guess Mom didn't tell her she can have the car, but did tell her that she probably won't be driving for quite a while.
It just amazes me that someone could pull a sob story like that on their Grandmother in the frame of mind that Mom is in!! I know it was my sisters idea-I just know it!!

Just like my niece got Mom to allow her friend to store all of his belongings in the garage! He got kicked out of his apartment so he is going from friend to friend to friend til he finally gets a job too.
Before Mom's stroke--she didn't like anyone coming over to the house--she liked her privacy. She would never have allowed my niece to bring over this guy and for them to go thru everything in the house!
I feel my niece is taking such advantage of Mom.
But how can I stop it? Mom's lawyer did suggest that I do a quick claim deed and get my name on the deed to the house--Mom is leaving it to me anyway in her Living Trust. This way I would have more rights about the house.
But I know if I told them that this is now MY House and I want them OUT--World War 3 will begin.
I know my sister and my niece do have a right to see Mom, but I wish there was a way I could restrict it somehow.
I am the one making all the medical, financial and personal decisions for Mom. All my sister and niece are doing is adding to my stress level every day! Each day I find things missing, ruined, destroyed, opened, emptied etc--all courtesy of my niece.

**grrrr** · 04-30-2010 02:06 AM

I think that at this point you've got all the ducks in a row for your mother's well being, which is your primary concern.... Just take a breath and know that you can't change your sister, and try to let your stress level come down. You can't change people, but you can change situations, and you've successfully done that for your mother, now focus on yourself!

**czarina8662** · 08-05-2010 12:06 PM

It is me again. For awhile things were semi OK. My sister has not come to see Mom in months nor has she called to see how she is. My niece and her friend (aka the spawn and minion) are coming over still every weekday and going thru things.
I finally had to install a locking door knob on my bedroom, bathroom and office, as they were getting on my computer AND into things in my bathroom and bedroom.

I finally got Mom to agree to go once a week to a adult day care. It is wonderful and I want her to go more, but I need to work on her a bit more for that. Right now I am happy she is going at all!
But while she is gone that one day a week, the spawn and minion are STILL coming over, when no one is home, fixing themselves food, leaving the dirty dishes all over the counter, moving things around, etc. Last week I walk into my bathroom when we got home and found all the drawers wide open and things strewn around.
I left a note for them as I never see them, saying that I don't understand why they are there when Mom isn't. And that I noticed things gone thru in my bathroom and I want to know why since they have no business in anything. The minion had also threatened my dog about 2 months ago when I had brought him over to see his Grandma. The minion left me a note when I got home, saying how dare I bring my dog to My Mothers house, that he was going to buy a kennel and keep him locked up all day with no food or water, etc.
I was appalled--who is this thing saying anything to me? And to threaten my baby!!! He should be keeping all opinions to himself, he has no right to say anything to me about what goes on in MY house! But they both keep telling me that I don't belong there.

He told my mother that he did look thru the drawers in the bathroom but was looking for lotion. Who goes into anyone's home and just goes thru their things???? I would never do that ever!!! I would ask for permission or just wait til I went to the store.
Then they decided to for some reason, spend the night at the house last night because they were taking Mom to some event this morning. I had locked the bathroom yesterday when I left for work.
They left me voice mails and text messages saying I better come unlock the doors or else, that I am disrespecting Mom, etc. It was just ridiculous the excuses and blames they were coming up with.
I did not go over and unlock the door. I did call her later and tried to explain that I was tired of them going thru my things, that it is my house too, that Mom is leaving me the house, etc. But she kept going on and on, saying I do nothing to help Mom, that she and the minion want to see mom's bills, that they think I am spending all her money on my bills, that I am trying to slowly kill her, etc. They are nuts!!

I hate too, how they keep involving Mom. Each time I say something to them about not doing this or please start doing that, they run right to her. Mom will agree with whoever is standing in front of her at the moment. She does not deserve to be hearing and going thru all this. But they have no consideration for her at all. They run and whine to her, get her to agree with them, then attack me.

I am the only one that is trying to take care of mom. I finally have her pension plan info set, plus found a good health plan to sign up for. I want her to go more often to the adult day care so I will work on her for that!!
I read about flash cards to use for stroke victims so I want to get some of those. I don't mean to pat myself on the back, but I am really the only one trying to help mom. They do NOTHING!!!!!!!!! But then they blame me constantly for everything.
I am just wore out from dealing with all this from my so called family. Why are they suddenly now acting like they care about mom, when in all these years leading up to it, they could not be bothered?? All I can think of is they are trying to get in good with Mom, in the hopes that they can get everything from her. But I have everything all ready taken care of.
All I want to do is get Mom better, not have to deal with all their that they keep throwing at me.

I would love to lock them out of the house, but Mom does enjoy their company so I won't do that to her. But I don't think they know how to respect other people's property or how to consider other peoples feeling. It is just wearing me out!