Teenagers are difficult. Especially teenage girls. Even if you were your biological dad you would be faced with much of the same issues you are right now and I don't doubt the fact you are their step-dad leads to even more stress they might toss your way.
Hormones are running amuck in a teenage girl. Mood swings galore. One day can be on top of the world and the next , hiding in their closet feeling ugly thinking they will never come out of the house again because bobby pointed out a piece of toilet paper on their shoe in ap science 3rd period.
They are going to assert their independence... from biological dads and step dads and mothers even more. This is where the back talking, the ignoring of rules etc come into play. Questioning of your authority is typical and testing what they can get away with is par for the course.
So besides all those normal chaotic things going on in a teenage girl ... you have the added layer of them possibly feeling a little left out themselves which they can express through bad behavior.
Do they have a relationship with their dad? If its limited, I am sure there is some resentment... especially now that you and their mom have a baby. Moms built a new life and sealed it with a baby and they may worry about not fitting into this picture in the way they did before you.
Family counseling is a must. You and your wife especially should go so that you can learn how to work together as a team to make sure everyone feels equal love from the both of you and how to respect each others decisions when it comes to rules for the house.
If the girls are having issues, grades suffering, major changes in behavior, its important that they are getting the counseling they need as well.
They need to understand that you are an addition to their happy life and family... not someone there taking away from it.
You can't come in thumping your chest saying you better listen up....it wont work. But you also can't be a doormat either. Its a delicate negotiation of respect and trust that goes in all directions.
I'm glad you guys are attending counseling and I think that will be the best bet for all of you.
Are there any specific issues you are dealing with in regards to feeling like the odd man out?
Scars remind us of where we've been...they don't have to dictate where we're going.
you should pick up and read any of the books by john rosemond. he is a writer and public speaker on the topic of parenting. an awful lot of what he talks about is just what you are having issues with. i know he has a web site, but i can't link to it. i am sure if you search you'll find it.
i ave been in the same place you are, and i know how hard it is.
i am so sorry!
It is a very hard situation.
My mum got married to my step dad a couple of years ago, when I was about 14- 15. I also have a sister and speaking with experience, we didnt get along well with him. I think it also has alot to do with the fact we were both teenage girls, horrible times.
My sister didnt like taking orders from him, she back chatted, argued all the time with him, over little things like wash your dishes, or clean your room. Being truthful here but she didnt see him as her dad, she didnt beleive in doing what he says because he wasnt related.
My mum now isnt with him anymore, my stepdad put her in an arquard position and told her to choose, which I think was a horrible thing to do. Girls will be girls. Please dont take offence to our teenage attitude. The main thing is that you love your wife. You can only do as much as you can to have a relationship with her girls. If you push it too much, we will rebel even more. I'm sorry about this, but I'm only speaking from experience.
The one and only... Razornator.
You are absolutely right Happy ending, she wants to be a friend more than a mother. I agree with you in that she does not want her daughter to be disciplined period. Sourpuss I have sat down with my wife and explained that it is virtually impossible for me to be a part time step dad. Disciplining is part of being a dad, regardless of it is wanted. She intially agrees with me disciplining but when my step daughter complains she melts away and gets munipilated.
I do all of the other dad things, baseball, soccer, and i'm very involved with there school (especially their grades).
Ugh! It's like your hands are tied. If the family counselor can't get through to her that she needs to parent first and be a friend later, then there's not much you can do besides be patient. Although, her undermining you will eventually affect your relationship. I just don't know what else to say other than keep doing what you are doing and hope that she finally gets it. *sigh!
yes a teenager doesnt need a 40 year old friend - she needs a mother!!
Thanks Sperosi I will read the book authored by John Rosemond. Hopeless Dork you have good insight. I absolutely feel like the odd man sometimes. What scares me is that I don't and won't let my son think that this is how a family should function. Being in a family should be joyous and only enhance your happiness.
Is their Dad in the picture at all?
I would have thought 7 and 3 were young enough to accept a new Dad and treat him like a Dad.. Have they always been against the idea of you being their Dad?
I get the feeling that your Wife is actually the one controlling all of this, not your daughters, that she doesn't see you as their Father, they have one and that you are not allowed to act as theirs, rather, just her husband.
Do we not realise that in order to find a soul
It doesn't happen over night
if truth were to be told.
Like everything in life that's hard to achieve
you must believe!
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