Negative Parents:

**treimnitz** · 04-12-2010 07:45 AM

Almost my entire life, I have dealt with my Mom and Step-Father being negative people. They complain about everything, but do nothing about their "problems." My mom complains about her job, her dog, her neighbors, etc. My step-father complains about my mom, his job, and how people constantly bother him while he working.
I have told them (nicely) a few times to stop complaining and do something but they don't! They want to blame everyone else and take NO initiative to make things better! It's gotten to the point where it makes me depressed everytime I go visit them and I don't want to visit anymore!
On Easter, my step-father started making up stories about my boyfriend (he insinuated that my bf was cheating on me because he wanted to go out with his friends without me a few times). My bf has never done anything to show this kind of behavior. I do spend a lot of time with my bf and didn't see him having a few "guy's nights" as a big deal.
I keep getting told to stand up for myself to my parents. People are telling me to tell them to "shut up" and to stop making things up. I want to do this, but I don't want to hurt my parents either. This is depressing me a lot and is affecting my actions toward my bf. I get upset with my boyfriend and cry when he doesn't call me right away. The statements by my step-father really messed with my head.
Does anyone have any suggestions? I am considering counseling to learn to deal with the negative behaviors.

**WildChild** · 04-12-2010 08:33 AM

Take the high road, just change the subject. You can do it gently- "what lovely flowers" or very obviously - "look up there in the sky! Is that a plane? Or could it be Superman?"

**treimnitz** · 04-12-2010 09:30 AM

I wish it were that simple! They will change the subject right back . . . "But anyways . . ." is probably their favorite quote!

**KMonte85** · 04-12-2010 10:14 AM

Well right now you've got three choices...

Limit the time you spend with them
(Gently) ask them to cool it with the drama
Try to find things to do with them that limits conversation (games, movies, etc).

I think counceling is always a positive. Even if you can't control their behavior, you can at least find a way to control how you react to it. You shouldn't allow those negative influences to mess with you, find a way to make something positive out of it so you're not so drained and can still maintain some sort of relationship with them (if its worth it to you!)

**grrrr** · 04-16-2010 09:58 PM

Well, that stinks all around! How dare your step-father makes those insinsuations? Really? I agree with the "taking the step back" approach.

Counseling could be a great thing, provided that you both want it. Counseling will help you deal with the parents/step-parents, however, it won't change "them"

**p3375** · 04-17-2010 01:40 AM

Tre:
Everyone gets down some times and needs someone to help pull them back up.
Chronically negative people are a different breed of dog all together.
I believe the way we look at things becomes ingrained in our thought-processes, like a rut in a dirt road. One can get out but it takes work and effort. Sounds like your family is stuck in a pattern and look at everything thru a negative lens.

I don't think you can change them all that much. My answer to these types of folks is to simply limit my exposre to them. Hopefully you are stronger than me, but chronically negative folks tend to bring me down to their 'place' rather than me pulling them into a positive mindframe.

**happy ending** · 04-17-2010 05:20 AM

i wish their was a way to deal with them, my mother is exactly the same. negative, makes insinuations and tells actual lies to create more negativity and drama. limiting your exposure is the only way i have found to deal with it. i have confronted her, tried to reason and everything you could imagine. stay away and stay happy!!!

**treimnitz** · 04-22-2010 06:42 PM

I appreciate all of your advice. I have heard the same things from my sister. She also told me to stand up for myself when things are said about my boyfriend. I am the type that doesn't like to fight, but I do know (deep down) that I shouldn't allow people to "walk all over me." I've been working on that with other people the past few weeks.

It also didn't help that I was going through PMS during Easter either. This just made my step-father's accusations have more emotional effect on me! I haven't talked to my parents since Easter and I'm OK with that at the moment. The next time this happens, I do have plans to stand up for myself.

**Yvee** · 04-23-2010 07:17 AM

I have a step father as well and although he rarely does it now in the past I had to deal with a lot of put downs and insults. I think the best way is just not to let it get to your head.
Can't change the subject? think about something pleasant, somehting that makes you calm. completely drown out what they are saying. Let them talk... after all its just words!

Personally I've spent this year trying to make things right with my parents. I was forced to recently move back in (my mom had another baby and couldn't deal with 3 little kids alone... and they can't afford childcare) and its been a bit hard.
Just look at your visits like work. If you have a bad boss but an awesome job that you love everything about.. but the boss, would you leave?

**LVDesigns** · 04-23-2010 09:21 PM

You are not the only one with negative parents. My mom is the most negative about everything. She will literally come home and blame me for things that happened at her work where I have no part in. My mom took it as far as try and break my fiance and I up back when we first started dating 4 years ago because she's jealous that I'm happy and she's not. I'ts just something that you'll have to deal with. Ignore it and stand up and be independent. Visit them on occasion and if the negativity persists while you're there, tell them straight that you can't take their negativity and say you won't be back unless they change. You have to be your own person about it.