The Death of a Parent

**Beautiful Disaster** · 04-26-2010 03:28 AM

It's something that never really stops hurting. I have my memories that make me smile, ya know...cause that's what I'm supposed to do. But then even almost 10 years later, I can only allow those memories to stick around for mere seconds.....because then it starts to hurt again.

Some days...like today, when I'm alone....I lose it. I think of him, I think of how long it's been since I've gotten to talk to him, I think of all he's missed and all he will miss in the future, and I think it's NOT FAIR to him. He WANTED to see us grow up....he wanted to see me high school and college. He wanted to walk me down the isle. He wanted to see my brother grow into a man. He wanted to be a granddad and Lord knows he'd have been an incredible one. He wanted he and my mom to get to travel together after retirement. He wanted those things. I know he did. And he didn't get to have them. He worked SO hard.....SO hard...and he never got to have those things. And it makes me hurt.

Losing it..... once in a while....I guess it keeps me sane. I don't cry, hardly ever...but when I do it's on a day like today, when I'm alone and can really let out the tears. On a day like today, I have to be strong for no one..and as bad as it hurts....it feels good all the same.

Sometimes its hard to find someone to talk to in our daily lives. Those close to us don't like to see us hurting, and instead of being a shoulder they often try to "fix it" or get upset because you're upset. There's only been one person I ever felt like I could break down in front of......he's now married and about to be a daddy himself. But back then, he'd hold me while I cried. I remember standing in Hallmark with him while he picked out a Fathers Day card for his dad...and as I read the cards, I broke down. Right there in the middle of Hallmark, he held me.

Maybe there's no real question here....more just hoping that someone out there somewhere who's hurting over the loss of a parent, will know that they're not alone. And for those of you that I've fooled into believing I'm heartless, well....here it is.

Ok...I feel better now.

**Mes T** · 04-26-2010 03:41 AM

I'm sorry for your loss, especially at such a young age, it must have been shocking and terrible.

My boyfriend lost his father a few weeks ago, and I only saw him break down the moment he got the phone call.

He hasn't shown much emotion about it since then...

And I kind of wonder, should I just let him be, or should I sometimes ask how he's doing with the whole thing, and maybe try to get him to open up?

What would YOU want your SO to do for you?

**Beautiful Disaster** · 04-26-2010 04:01 AM

What would YOU want your SO to do for you?

Hard to say....because he may be totally different than me. Sounds like he's dealing with it sort of like I did. My dad died of a heart attack too...cept not one of the chest pain fall over ones. I believe that's a right ventricular attack. My dads was the opposite side and he had flu symptoms. Anywho, You sort of feel like the rest of the world is moving on around you and you have no choice but to just move on or at least pretend like you are. The one BF I had that I could really open up to about it, the difference in him and the others Ive dated is that I really felt like he hurt for me, like he tried in his mind to put himself in my shoes as best he could, he always treated me extra special on my dads birthday, fathers day, etc. He always remembered the anniversary of my dads death even though we weren't dating when dad died. He'd give me a very sweet card, and be sure to hug me lots that day.

My current guy, i saw very quickly that he became uncomfortable when I talked about my dad, or when I got out a photo album to show him pics of my dad. It was almost as if he ignored me. I later found out that was because he had lost his mother, but she hadn't been much of a part of his life, so I guess he was uncomfortable with his own situation therefore with mine also. It hurt me badly that I couldnt' open up to him about it. And 8 mths later, I rarely mention my dad to him.

So....I'd recommend just really allowing him to be open with you. Ask him questions, he may be a little inward like me and just need someone to "prod" a bit before he opens up. "How are you dealing with this?" "How does it feel?" "I can only try to imagine what you must be going through". Then if he truly doesn't want to talk of it, he'll let you know that. I write letters in a journal to my dad. Helps me feel like hes still involved in my life. If your bf likes to write at all, that may be something he could do.

If he's showing no emotion about it.....it will come out in some form eventually. Trust me. (unless he just didn't have much of a relationship with his dad). It has manifested in me in SO many different ways.

Fathers Day is coming up in June....really be there for him on that day. A little note letting him know you're thinking of him on what you know is a hard day for him. Etc.

**Yvee** · 04-26-2010 05:52 AM

To be honest I don't really know what the story is, but I am sorry to hear that you were this hurt. Thankfully I have no idea what it feels like, but I have wanted someone go through something similar

My father's girlfriend is going to be 22 soon. She has never known her father and for 20 years her mother was the only person she could truly relay on. Sure she had other family, but they weren't really that close. About a year and a half ago her mother died suddenly and she wasn't even there to be with her. A friend of her mothers came to visit her that day and found the body.
Right now the girl lives with my father, but he does very little to support her. He isn't the best, as far as men go....
To be honest I don't really know why I am writing this, since it probably doesn't at all help to hear how others are hurting. I never really know what to say in times like these, and yet I always want to say something. I guess somewhere in the past I got the idea that words can make people feel better...
Sorry If I've done the opposite...

**Joey** · 04-28-2010 12:34 AM

Hun, i can totally relate to what you are saying.

My dad died when i was 16 in a motorcycle accident. I have never felt any pain like it. Loosing a main caregiver, the head of your family, just like that - its such a devestating feeling.

Even now, like yourself, i tend to still break down over certain things. Its obviously got better over time, but there are just some things or places that i remember memories of times together that just get too me.

Even though your dads gone, just think of how amazingly proud he would be of you today. How amazing you and your brother have turned out. He hasnt been able to be with you and watch you all grow and share your new memories - but you are a pure credit to his name.

Thinking of you x

**Anon_1990** · 04-28-2010 12:36 AM

Sorry to here this :-(

**Beautiful Disaster** · 04-28-2010 03:22 PM

Joey - Thank you SO much for your kind words of encouragement.

I was 17 when my dad died, very close to the age you were. Strange how in the blink of an eye your life can totally change. You hang in there too. We all have those times...and I hate when I "break down" but end up feeling much better from it.

Thanks to all of you for your support. Means alot.

**WildChild** · 04-28-2010 03:45 PM

I was 21 when my mother died of cancer, that was 31 years ago this month. It does get better over time. Those tears help relieve stress, so go ahead and cry. Don't let BFs weirdness about it keep you from expressing your feelings and needs.

Some of it comes down to what you believe about death. I do not believe it is an end but rather a transistion. You might find reading about some people's death and near death experiences interesting. Saved By the Light, would be a good start - the author was struck by lightning and was dead for 28 minutes. He tells what he experienced. In American society we don't handle death well, we don't talk about it, we try to sanitize it and it's kind of like the elephant in the livingroom that everyone tries to ignore.

For me the biggest pain is that I didn't get to really know my mother as an adult, to really know who she was as a person rather than as a parent. But she was in terrible pain with the cancer and it was a mercy for her to be released from that. I know she has moved on and my pain is really about me. It's hard to have someone we love move away. But you have all that your father taught you and the examples he set- good and bad. Those will always be yours. If you have children you will see him in them sometimes, a movement, their stance, an expression, will show that a part of him continues.

**Joey** · 04-28-2010 06:03 PM

Originally Posted by Beautiful Disaster

Joey - Thank you SO much for your kind words of encouragement.

I was 17 when my dad died, very close to the age you were. Strange how in the blink of an eye your life can totally change. You hang in there too. We all have those times...and I hate when I "break down" but end up feeling much better from it.

Thanks to all of you for your support. Means alot.

Thats alright lovely! I know exactly what you mean. Its one of the most sureal feelings i think i have ever felt.
Just thought that id let you know that your not going through this alone. x

**Beautiful Disaster** · 04-28-2010 06:23 PM

WC - I've always believed there is an afterlife, a definite transition into whatever realm (that part I'm not sure exactly how to picture in my head!). That book definitely sounds interesting. I think the unknown is always scary for us humans.

I know what you mean about your mom. My mom and I have developed such a close relationship in my adult years. We are FRIENDS now instead of parent/child. I often wonder what that would have been like with my dad. His memory definitely still lives in, as long my brother and I walk this Earth, a piece of him will still be here. And if we ever have children, same thing.

It's definitely hard to lose someone you love. Glad I have people here who understand.