Bf's ex's kids

**JadedQueen** · 04-30-2010 03:25 AM

Hi... my bf and I have been together for about 4 &1/2 yrs. We have been living together from the start of our relationship and we get along great. My bf has 2 biological (2 different mothers). The mother of one of his kids has two other children (his son is the youngest of her three kids) and those kids consider my bf their Dad as well. I don't know what it is but I really don't like the two that aren't biologically his. I know he was around when they were little and all but it really bothers me that he considers them to be his kids. Their mom was in danger of losing the kids to child protective services and we lived in a small one bedroom apartment but we took in all three kids. I don't have a problem taking in my bf son and doing things for him but I feel no obligation to have anything to do with my bf's ex's kids. Am I heartless? Is there anyone else that feels this way or in this situation? The kids that aren't biologically my bf's aren't good children either. The one boy is 11 yrs. old and has had a lot of run in's with the law and stealing etc.... I wish we could cut ties with these kids that aren't our problem. I feel like a total (EDIT)for feeling this way but I can't help the way I feel. I try to hide it and I am nice to the kids.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 04-30-2010 03:43 AM

You have to get to the root of why you feel that way.

I get that you don't see them as his children, I get that they are a little bit on the bad side, obviously by the way in which the Mother's are bringing them up, without a real father persay, but for him, they were young, he was their Dad, they love him as if he is, and he them... That's something you should be proud of

Is it finances? That he is paying for things for all the children, is it because you accept him and his child, and one day want one with him, but 4 is overwhelming?

Is, it the ties he has with the other women?

Is it because he has less time for you and more for the children?

What do you really thing the reason is as to why you feel this way?

They are "his" problem as he "chose" to be a Dad to them, and as such, you've entered that relationship knowing that..

I don't think your a (edit)

but, I do think that if you look back at the beginning, this was happening then and nothing has changed, so this is something you have to accept or if you can't, look into the future and see if all that he is and all that he gives to you, is what you want from someone, or not.

CW

**JadedQueen** · 04-30-2010 04:29 AM

He doesn't have any contact with his ex but she is facing jail time and without question his biological son will come an live with us. I don't have a problem with him he is a really good kid (in spite of his upbringing and his brother) but I seriously don't want to take on the responsibility of HER kid. He steals, lies, has set things on fire, has killed animals. He goes beyond the term of being a bad kid. The two boys my bf biological son and 'stepson' are only a year and a half apart in age and they don't get along very well they constantly fight and bicker usually for no reason but they just can't get along so when they are over here together I am totally stressed out listening to them constantly fight and bicker, it drives me insane and puts me in a bad mood to the point that I hide in another room.

My bf and I will never have kids together cuz we are past the age for that and I can no longer have any kids. So that is not really a problem or issue.

These kids do have a biological father and I don't know why but my bf's ex won't allow him to be a part of their lives and from what I have heard from people that know him, he's a really good guy and he has other kids and takes good care of them so I don't really know what the issue is there.

I just worry that if his ex goes to jail my bf is going to want to take custody of this boy and I know it will wreak havoc on our relationship. I love the fact that my bf has continued playing Dad to a child that isn't his it says volumes about his character but I know having this child around will cause problems in our relationship in addition to all the problems with his stealing, getting in trouble in school etc.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 04-30-2010 05:10 AM

I'm not sure if the real "Father" would and could have an arguement, if she went to gaol. Providing he knows what's going on off course.

So, the main reason is that he's distructive, will create havoc in the household, your boyfriend has to see that he needs help here, if this boy kills animals for instance, that's a danger, lighting fires, it's attention seeking, and as he gets older he will get into trouble and maybe far worse than your boyfriend could ever imagine.

Is there a way you can talk to your boyfriend about those issues and where it could lead him, further down the track and the suggestion of "help" for this boy?

The other thing is you are important in his life and you have to be honest and tell him how you feel, and that is that you have genuine fear, if you found your pet, or your neighbours pet dead, how that would make you feel, the fires, how that would scare you at night, you'd never sleep..

Are you able to communicate to him in that way?

CW

**Hopeless Dork** · 04-30-2010 05:36 AM

I think its important for you to get some counseling to try to reconcile these feelings if you plan on staying with this man. It sounds like these kids have already had a damaging childhood and if they have bonded with your boyfriend and he has bonded with them... seperating that bond because you just don't like that it exsists is so unhealthy... for the kids, for your boyfriend.. and for you.

I think it might help to come to grips with what it is about these kids that is bothering you. The fact that they are bad kids? What if they were his biological kids...you'd have to work with their bad behavior and try to get through that with them.

If you've been with your bf for 4 years and the bad kid is 11... that means he's been in the picture with you since he was 7... and thats just since you've come along... he was with your bf much longer than that.

Its good that you are being nice... but kids have an amazing ability to sense when they are unwanted and its so very harmful. These are innocent victims in this situation and if you are frustrated that your boyfriend bonded with these kids... be frustrated with him, break up with him... let him be with a woman that would not have a problem with this mixed family... but whatever you do please don't take out your resentment for the choices your ex made before you on these poor kids... even if its just acting indifferent to them.. that still hurts.

Please seek the counseling, it might not hurt to have the kids and even your bf get some too.

**JadedQueen** · 04-30-2010 05:53 AM

It's the fact that the child is a bad kid, does bad things and we have no say in diciplining him because we are not his parents. I don't have a problem with my bf having a relationship with this kid my problem (fear) is that the Mom is facing criminal charges and may get sent to prison. My bf biological son would most definately come and live with us but I don't want to take custody of the other boy. His behavior goes beyond a bad child and I don't feel like I should be obligated to take custody of him and all the problems that he creates.

**Hopeless Dork** · 04-30-2010 06:05 AM

But if your bf has been raising him like he has his other son... I don't see where his bad behavior comes into play other than , yes... it will be a lot more work.

If it were his biological son that had the behavior problems would you feel any differently?

It sounds like he's been in this kids life a long time, if the kid see's him as dad he's dad.

What about adoptive parents? When a kid goes bad, its not their biological kid... should they not have to be bothered with him if its defective? I'm sure you've heard the recent story of a woman shipping her adoptive russian child on a plane back when he had behavioral problems and the storm that caused.

No your bf didn't adopt this kid but if the bulk of that kids life has been under this mans care.... it would do so much harm to him to be sent to foster care while his biological brother gets to go live with the man he always thought of as dad.

Just the thought of how that would feel breaks my heart.

**JadedQueen** · 04-30-2010 06:20 AM

He treated this child as if he was his son and I think that is awesome when so many men won't step up and be a Dad to their own kids.... he was only with the mom for a year, the rest of the time it's been weekends when the child comes over. I am not trying to sever ties with the child but I am not wanting to be a legal guardian to this child and deal with his constant criminal behavior. Aside from the huge responsibility it would also create a financial hardship as well.

I contribute about 90% of our finances, my bf is currently going to school and aside from the added problems and drama it would bring to our lives it would also be a financial burden as well. We are struggling financially as it is.

**Hopeless Dork** · 04-30-2010 06:38 AM

Even if was only with the childs mother one year...seeing this kid as a son for the past 5 years (if you count the weekends together in the past 4 years of being with you) is roughtly half this childs life... and virtually all his life of what he knows of it. I don't know how much you remember before you were 5 but most of my memories are from right about there on.

He is also biologically related to your bfs biological kid. He's always going to be a part of your bfs life because he will always be apart of his kids life... he's family.

If you guys are financially unable to support the children thats something else entirely and should be addressed with the court at the time they need to place the kids. They usually offer counseling to the children of parents going to jail, as well as state support for the persons taking care of the children while a parent is in custody so be sure your bf checks into that.

I can understand how you feel, you are stressed and this is a burdeon, financially, emotionally, and of your time and your patience. When you started dating this man, I hope he was upfront with you about his situation and even though you didn't plan on ever having to be the full custodial parents of these kids... Life has a funny way of tossing us what we don't want... then changing us for the better and teaching us that some of those curveballs are truly gifts.

You have every right to feel like you do. And I hope that your relationship doesn't end over his kids, biological and otherwise.

I really do reccomend the counseling, whether or not you guys take on the kids... just to help you get a better handle on how you feel about the whole situation. What the counselors take is on the childs well-being and what would be the best for him, behaviorally and custodially.

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