New infant not feeling loved by Mother

**Gam-Gam** · 05-01-2010 04:36 AM

My great grand-daughter is 5 weeks old. Her mother suffered with postpardum depression, when the baby was born. In that time my daughter and I have helped by keeping the baby, so her mother could get rest. Today, my grand-daughter doesn't seem any closer to the baby than before. She doesn't cuddle the baby like we do. The baby is a good baby and feels loved with one of us. We want her parents to love her, but what can we do to help? Has anyone else been through this? The whole family is worried sick about the baby!

**LanaBear** · 05-01-2010 06:27 AM

Please have her go see her Dr. She may need meds as well as a lot of support to get through this. It is something that is so often not taken seriously.

**Gam-Gam** · 05-01-2010 04:06 PM

She is on medication for depression. She is also talking with a Social Worker/Counselor. I don't think she's being honest. She may be a tiny bit better, but she's not where she should be. She says she will never harm the baby. But, in our eyes she is harming the baby by not showing her the love she needs. Her father is fairly good with her. It's difficult to explain in a few words. But, they both have mocked the baby's crying, while taking their time to fix her bottle.
It's hard to know how involved we should get. But, we're thinking of having like an intervention and just talking directly to my grand-daughter. I think she needs to talk with a psychologist.
Now, she's saying she doesn't think the baby likes her. It's hard to try to help. You can't just tell someone to cuddle and talk to their baby. We tried, she says she's not made that way and she hates baby talk!
Do you think the direct approach would be helpful?

**WildChild** · 05-01-2010 04:51 PM

Baby talk isn't a positive thing, it doesn't help them learn to speak but I get what you mean. It sounds like attachment disorder in the making. Any chance grannie can come to stay for a while to "help" the new parents out? Babies Need to be held and touched to thrive, anyone who mocks their newborn's crying has problems.
Why did these two decide to have a child? It doesn't sound like either is very into being a parent.

I can understand that you are doing a balancing act not wanting to alienate but needing to help. Consider this, that tiny baby has no voice other than her parents and if they won't care and protect her, she has only your voice and others in the family. Do what has to be done to protect that child!

**Hopeless Dork** · 05-01-2010 06:21 PM

You are right to be worried... its common for some mothers to feel like maybe their baby doesn't like them, or worry that they don't feel some amazing love bond that they they hear all mothers are supposed to have and a lot of that is tied into post-partum depression --- very very serious stuff.

If she is on medication, she should be seeing a doctor to manage it, she should be open and honest about her feelings with a therepist so that they may adjust her medications if need be.

If the father is also distant to the baby, it is not going to push her to be more involved... them making fun of the crying shows their level of maturity caring for a LIFE... is not quite adequate.

I don't know if the grandkids and the baby live with you or your daughter, hopefully so... as they sound like they are in need of some supervision while they adjust and get control of their emotions and learn to put the infants needs first.

Shaken baby syndrome unfortunately.... is offended most commonly by very young fathers, teenage fathers. So while it might feel like, its their baby... they need to take care of it, and wash your hands of the situation... it would be dangerous to do that given what they've demonstrated thus far.

It sounds like they both could benefit from parenting classes and the mother some counseling for her depression... getting them to agree to any of that could be difficult.

If they live alone with the baby and you really have reason to believe the baby is in danger you will have to follow your instincts and contact the department of family services.

Not so that they remove the infant... but so that they may be able to push the parents into classes and/or counseling. I know it may seem like a very alarmist move to make, so as long as that baby has constant supervision from a 3rd party like you or your daughter it might not even be necessary. But I would be very very concerned about that baby being alone with parents that laugh and make fun of its crying, feel like the baby doesn't like them... and don't care to nurture the baby.

**jns** · 05-01-2010 11:43 PM

I feel sorry for this baby. Is there any adult that can go live with the parents to help them out and give the baby the love and attention she needs?

Many children grow up in homes that don't have other children that are much younger and as such, never learn about child care. Then, when they become adults, they are unprepared to deal with babies. Maybe childcare should be a required subject for both boys and girls to graduate high school.

I was fortunate, I have a sister that is 8 1/2 years younger and a brother that is 12 years younger. I helped out somewhat with my sister and much more with my brother. My sister was colicky and cried a lot for no apparent reason. Since we lived in a small house with no interior doors, we all had to learn to deal with it. My younger brother was much better. I helped feed and burp him. I rocked him to sleep numerous times, maybe averaging once or twice a day for several years.

Maybe you can find a teenage in your family who wants to learn about raising a baby to live in and help out. Also, work with the father to help him understand how to love, take care of and protect his baby.