parenting issues

**SarahYalana** · 05-05-2010 10:41 PM

I am a single young mother of 19 years and my daughter is 20 months. Im at the end of my rope with her. I try so hard to give her what she needs and more but she just dont listen to a thing i say. I tell her no she dont lisen, i tell her to stop and nope she dont listen. Its hard to get her to listen to me. I just dont know what to do anymore. To top it off she hit an old lady the other day because the old lady wouldnt giver her candy. She kicks and screems if she dont get what she wants. Yes i do raise my voice and yes i dont really punish her. I need help i cant do this anymore.

Heres a little bit more of my story.. Her father is in jail for 8 more years for first degree murder (he will never see her). I am 19 years old i had her when i was 17. I am alone and i mean alone. my family doesnt help. I have no one. I cry like daily and am very depressed. please let me know of ways to make my daughter listen so daily life would be easier. thank you all for your time

**aljs** · 05-05-2010 11:03 PM

I have two children, one is 16 and one is 5. With my daughter I was at home with her daily and pretty structured with daily routines, discipline and such. Even up to this day she is a good girl.
With my son, I worked so many hours that when I was with him I gave in alot to what he wanted. 6 months ago I stopped working and am now home with my kids alot. After the first week I was very disappointed in myself after watching more closely at the way he behaved and at myself that I allowed him to get away with things. Since then I have set up routines and have suck strong with discipline. (no spanking - I think that is wrong)
I've watched that Nanny 911 show and thought at first that many of her techniques wouldn't work, but honestly after trying some of them and changing the way I was with my son I have noticed a world of difference.

**WildChild** · 05-05-2010 11:18 PM

You can't "make" a child this age listen or do anything. What you can do is a create a bond of trust and fun and draw them into cooperating with you. Children are constantly testing the limits and their world. They are seeing what works and what doesn't. They are also very responsive to your mood. One thing that I found really helps and on several levels, is books. Check out the Berenstein Bears and Little Critter Books. They are fun to read and teach about behavior and living skills at the same time.

Find ways to make things fun. Part of that can be your tone of voice and attitude. I'm not kidding, use and excited tone of voice, sound like you just can't wait to pick up the toys or what ever it is you are doing. Kids will pick up on it and follow your lead. You have to be consistant. Don't have too many rules but stick to the ones you have. A regular bedtime with a pattern helps. First we pick up our mess, then floss and brush (if a kiddo has teeth they should be doing both) then pjs, reading a book, lights out, time to sleep.

Yelling and punishing don't really work. They work from fear rather than love and long term aren't very helpful. I have one child in college and one in HS and never have to ask if they have done their schoolwork, they just do it, Occasionally I have to remind about chores but not often - I didn't spank or yell so I have kids who are good students, well behaved and have never given me a moments worry about what they are doing or who they are with. That isn't an accident. You have to respect you child, keep them safe, not just by protecting them but by teaching them to respect themselves and protect themselves. Let them try to do things themselves but don't let them get so frustrated that they give up. When you are with them BE there.

Find ways to make a game of things. When you go places, planning ahead can really help, have healthy snacks, a change of clothing, sunscreen, hat, a few small toys and plan around nap time so that isn't missed. Naps are really important for little ones and for moms.

Diet can make big difference in a child's behavior. Candy, sweets, soda, and anything with food dye (especially red dye) can negatively affect behavior and mood. Keep away from those. Cheerios make a great snack, graham crackers, raisins, cheese sticks (just cut some small strips of cheese), no sweetened drinks. If you want to give fruit juice make sure it is 100% fruit not "cocktail" or 10%, then water it down about 1/3 water.

Work on your mood and attitude. Keep it positive. Sitting around crying won't do either of you any good and will cause both you and your child to be more difficult to be around. It takes time and patience. You are young to be doing this but you can handle it. One step at a time. Do you have any support network?

**SarahYalana** · 05-05-2010 11:34 PM

no i dont have any suport and maybe you just dont understand.... Im a single mother who is battling deppression, Bi-polar, and a few other things (i choose to not say). Its not easy coming from a live of abuse from both parents and having to not be the way i was brought up. I strugle every day with my daughter. I dont want to be a monster to her i want to be a wonderful mother but maybe im just not strong enough at this point in my life. I need supports but i have none.

**Hopeless Dork** · 05-05-2010 11:35 PM

Structure is key at this age. Kids need to know what to expect on a daily basis, if there is a lot of changes / different sitters, different meal times, not knowing whats going to happen next it can create anxiety and cause some children to act out.

Do you have routine with her?

Bedtime at a certain time, every night... meals eaten at the same times every day (or close to it, in a structured setting (at the table), routine naptimes, quality attention time ... etc will all make a small child feel safe and that there life is in control.

You have to stand by your decisions if you say no to something and she cries, do not give in. If you do she will not respect your "no's" and think that she just needs to throw a bigger and bigger fit and eventually will get once she wants. Once she learns that she can cry herself to sleep and still not get what she wants... she'll stop wasting the energy in doing so.

If you feel yourself becoming frustrated at any given moment, get your baby to a safe place where she can't hurt herself (playpen, etc) then go in another room and take some deepbreaths and find your center.

Children can sense your frustration and will feed off your energy so you need to remain calm in their presense even if you feel like pulling your own hair out.

Reward her with time and attention when she is being good. Sometimes its easy to enjoy the silence when a small child is being good ... and then your off getting what you need to do done and they soon realize that its easier to get you to pay attention to them when they are screaming and causing trouble.

I am so sorry you are going through this alone... i was a young single mom myself and I know how trying it can be. You should try to find a support system. Some kind of mommy and me group, some kind of young mothers group, or baby and mom exercise class, something that gives you a chance to spend quality time with your child while making friends with other mothers that can relate to everything you are going through might help a lot.

**LanaBear** · 05-05-2010 11:38 PM

She's 20 months old... They go through so many stages, but the key is your attitude as well. Children feed off of their surroundings. They know so much more and feel so much more than you can ever guess. Life is hard, but you have a little girl who is acting out from what she sees. Like WC said, work on you. The positive changes you make for yourself will hopefully reflect to her.

Have you tried timeouts? A timeout stool? I'm not a fan of spanking, not to say I haven't, but I can count on one hand how many times I have (it never helped anyways). You need to be solid in your approach to this too. Don't let something go one time, then plan on disciplining her on it the next. Talk talk talk to her about what she is doing.

Good luck.

**WildChild** · 05-05-2010 11:53 PM

Sometimes mom needs a timeout more than the child. I used to tell my kids that, "Mama needs some quiet time" They would have to play quietly in their room or a playpen while I just regrouped myself.

Having a routine can help you to stay calm and feel on track.
You can create a support network for yourself, get to the park or places where parents and kids go and start chatting - getting to know other moms.

I think you would find the book, Yesterday, I Cried, by Iyvanla VanZant, really helpful. She tells her story of her abusive childhood, molestation, teen pregnancy, abusive relationships and the incredible journey she took to healing and creating a happy successful life for herself and her children. I think you would find it inspiring. She is one of my favorites.