New here and my sil is driving me insane please help.

**TrixieNights** · 05-19-2010 10:27 AM

Well, I have been married to my husband for 4 years now. We have 2 children together. However, from even the time before we were married she was mean to me. She told me to back the F*** off and called me b**** and all this other stuff. Which, almost did make me back off. However, I loved/love my husband and wanted to be with him. Her random freak outs occur for no reason. Example: My husband and I had just moved back to the area, and we lived with his parents for about 4 months, his mom and sister were having an argument and I didnt want my baby girl there. So after his mom stormed out, I told my husband that I was going to go to walmart. She started screaming at me because I leave when theres confrontation and idk even know what else it was about. I left and my husband started yelling at her, and then once his mom saw that I stormed out apparently she went and joined in. That was awhile ago though. The most recent started last week. She ease dropped on a phone conversation between my husband and their mom. A couple days later she ims me on facebook. Asking me why we think she doesnt deserve a wedding and all this stuff. I said that I plead the 5th because I knew it wouldnt end either way. She continued by telling me how I have changed my husband and she doesnt even know who he is anymore. Said she didnt care what I think and she wanted us out of her life. Then about 20 minutes later she texts my phone. Arguing again. Then yesterday I finally decided to read the 1st message she had sent that my husband had read. I texted her asking why she would attack me when she heard their conversation. She told me its because she knows how manipulative I am. Then it gets to the point where she starts saying what I usually say and that shes tried to be friends with me. Which, I am the one that use to call her up to talk and started making plans to go watch movies and even tried talking to her like I would any other friend. She then started telling me Idk what its like to be in an abusive relationship. Which, she was in for 2 almost 3 years. But this really upset me because My father and stepfather both were abusive to my family, the first 10 years of my life was in abusive relationships. She then starts talking to my husband saying that she thinks somethings really wrong with ME because of what I went through. I would really like to hear whatever you have to say.

**KMonte85** · 05-19-2010 10:42 AM

Your SIL sounds unbalanced. Do you know if she has any mental disorders - bipolar, manic depressive, etc? That could be why she is okay one minute, a raving lunatic the next, and throws out crazy accusations that have no substance... perhaps you brother or MIL (not YOU since she won't listen to you anyway) should gently suggest she get checked out, or at the very least, get some therapy to help her deal with the abusive relationship that still seems to haunt her. If she is already seeing a therapist or doctor for issues, you may want to call him or her up and let them know about how your SIL has been acting, so they could alter her treatment so she can be better helped.

As for what you can do now... My opinion is to ubruptly stop her when she starts acting out. You can do this alone, but it would help to get your husband and maybe your MIL involved too. When she starts picking a fight, tell her you're not going to discuss it and to drop it. If she keeps bringing it up, ignore her messages and texts. If you're in person and she's trying to argue, tell her she needs to stop or you're leaving. Then leave if she won't quit. When she starts throwing out crazy accusations, tell her that her comments are hurtful and unfounded and then stop the conversation, leave the im, ignore her texts, or walk out.

Basically, you need to put her in adult "time out" when she misbehaves... if she's going to act like a brat, then she should be treated like one. People like her thrive on the attention they get and the rise they get out of the people they are attacking. Take the reaction out of the mix, and she has no reward for behaving so rudely, only isolation. You might be surprised how differently she will behave when she learns it is not going to be tolerated any longer.

**TrixieNights** · 05-19-2010 10:55 AM

She has been to therapy once, and that was a state mandated thing to get her daughter back. Her brother as do I believe she could use some therapy. However, if anyone was to suggest it she would verbally rip their heads off.

I have tried "ignoring" her, it seems to be just more fuel for her fire. I started trying to ignore her a couple months ago, because she started acting and talking to my husband and I like she was better then us. Plus, because of everything that I have been through with her, I have panic attacks or anxiety attacks whenever I try and talk to her. Regardless of if its in person or in text.

But yes I do agree, with everything you have said. Thank you.

**KMonte85** · 05-19-2010 11:07 AM

Sorry that you're having to go through this...

So we've established that she is unbalanced, to the point that she was required by the state to attend counseling... did she give any reason why she quit? Is there any reasoning with her to go back?

If the ignoring doesn't work, then your only option is to drastically reduce any/all time spent with her, talking to her, messaging her, calling her, etc... You don't live with her anymore correct? So any time spent with her is voluntary. panic attacks and anxiety are no way for you to live, and you owe it to yourself and your family to remove the cause of your distress. Stop calling her. Don't spend time with her. And make sure you tell her WHY you've cut off contact.. so that way she knows the reasoning, doesn't just blame you, and can make a choice to behave better. If your husband is fed up too, then he can do the same. If he still wants her to be in his life, then he will have to make time separate from you and your child to see her.

Yes, it is a drastic change. But you will need to make the change if you want to get your life back in your own control, if you want to eliminate the stress and anxiety.

**TrixieNights** · 05-20-2010 08:40 AM

Well, the state didn't make her take therapy because she is or isn't unbalanced. I think she had to take it, because she was there when her now ex husband nearly killed their 6 week old daughter, and then she was not testifying against him and still living with him. So neither of them had custody of their daughter, she was in foster care, and they said in order for her to get her daughter back she would need to go to therapy. Idk how she got by with only going once, but she did.

I doubt she would go back, she believes that I am the one with an unbalance. Which, from everything I have been told by her family, whom she lives with she really should go back. Example: We moved out about 3 years ago, and the weekend we moved out she took a bunch of pills and went running down the road.

But no we do not live there anymore and yes time with her is voluntary. Well, we have both established that we can not be friends. She should understand why, however, idk if she does because its almost like she is reading off my paper. Saying that I do to her that which she actually does to me. However, during our argument the other day I had told her that I stopped talking to her because every time we would talk to her she would talk to us as though we were beneath her. I didn't see a point in talking to someone who is just going to try and make you feel like we are less then them.