Parents volitile relationship

**WildChild** · 06-10-2010 06:58 AM

I'll second HD on this. "Alone" is far better than abused, belittled and beaten down. I can attest to the fact that once get out, which can be scary, one morning she will wake up, get up and walk through where ever she is and it will hit her - she is free! No more looking over her shoulder, no more avoiding this unpleasant and dangerous person, no more nasty remarks, she will feel like the load of the world has been lifted from her.

**sourpuss** · 06-10-2010 08:20 AM

I agree with everyone here that, A: you mom won't be alone when she's old and B: even if she was, it's better than her life now. You need to convince her that getting out is better and that she CAN do it.

**snuffie** · 06-10-2010 11:10 AM

Thank You very much ladies.

As suggested I have logged the events on a word document and I am going to keep adding to it if anything happens. We can go to her parents (my Grandparents) but my grandmother is elderly and suffering from dementia and it is a difficult household to be living in however it is there. She has removed my father from the bank details and removed heeself from his account he now has control of that.
She is making contact with a solicitor, but says that she wants to be in a strong position when she leaves him. She isn't old she is 51 so old age is far off but her anxiety and depression is fueled by the the fear of being alone which for the last 2 years everytime my father hasn't got his own way he has threatened to leave her, telling her she will be alone and sad!! along with the verbal abuse.
I have found out since this event when talking with my mum he has hit her before, many years ago before I was born and has always made her feel worthless.

I want her out, I can't stand to look or be in the same house as him, he has lost me as a daughter.

**pretzel** · 06-10-2010 11:22 AM

Originally Posted by snuffie

Thank You very much ladies.

As suggested I have logged the events on a word document and I am going to keep adding to it if anything happens. We can go to her parents (my Grandparents) but my grandmother is elderly and suffering from dementia and it is a difficult household to be living in however it is there. She has removed my father from the bank details and removed heeself from his account he now has control of that.
She is making contact with a solicitor, but says that she wants to be in a strong position when she leaves him. She isn't old she is 51 so old age is far off but her anxiety and depression is fueled by the the fear of being alone which for the last 2 years everytime my father hasn't got his own way he has threatened to leave her, telling her she will be alone and sad!! along with the verbal abuse.
I have found out since this event when talking with my mum he has hit her before, many years ago before I was born and has always made her feel worthless.

I want her out, I can't stand to look or be in the same house as him, he has lost me as a daughter.

I want to wish both you and you mom the best. This will work out and both of you will be happier in the end.

One work of caution if I may, don't give hints to your dad. When you leave, do it quickly. Don't let him have any say. Just leave.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 06-13-2010 04:16 PM

Hey Snuffie,

Please keep us up-dated and if you feel frightened at all, at any stage, whilst Mum is progressing over this, ring your Grandfather straight away....

If you have any other questions or just need support, you know we are here for you

CW

**snuffie** · 06-15-2010 03:06 PM

Thank you CW,

pretty unsure what is going on right now, my mum is still muling over things she has said that she isn't strong enough to go it "alone" and that she would fold, collapse fall apart and possibley do something irrational which she has spoken about before.

I am not scared fror myself so far I have being so busy with work and other things I havn't being in the house alone with him or for prolonged periods of time.

I just can't bare my mother to stay because she is scared of whats in the future, it has happened before it will happen again and she has acknowledged this, but still will not walk away, I know I can't understand this......but still.

I feel that I can't push her, tell her to leave him, it isn't my marriage and I would feel bad promising that I will always live with her which I think is what she wants to hear. I will always be there for her always, but my mother finds it difficult to decipher between being there for someone and neing physically close.

**snuffie** · 06-21-2010 08:00 AM

Still unsure whats going on between my parents, all isn't back to "normal" but i think that my mum is trying to persuade herself to stay, which I really don't want!!

I have told her it will happen again, it always does, it might not be this week or next but eventually it will, she also said something that infuriated me "what your father did wasn't domestic violence, because he didn't hit me" I got so angry with her to me it's like saying it is DV unless they draw blood and make a mark, or hit you in the face.

I feel this way and she knows that but i feel that I can't push the subject too much as I will push her away and she will feel that i am not there to support her and it is my personal agenda against my father rather than trying to protect her!!

**jns** · 06-21-2010 08:17 AM

snuffie, people stay together in bad relationships due to a misplaced sense of loyalty and due to finances, among other reasons. You say your mother works and your father is retired. Can each make it on their own with the incomes they have? If you could contribute some, would your mother be more likely to leave? How long will it be before you can do that?

**snuffie** · 06-21-2010 08:45 AM

My mother works part time, but wants to move to full time but her anxiety hinders this, If she worked full time she would be able to cope but not part time. I do contribute to the household now, but start my first job following graduation in september so from then onwards.

**Librian** · 06-27-2010 02:17 AM

Hi Snuffie

I sincerely hope your mother has sought some legal advice. She should also contact a domestic advice centre. Domestic laws vary substantially in different locations. However, perhaps you should make contact with the local police as they will have some information too. It would also be good to know how police respond when called - it could be that your father will be made to move. In Australia a domestic violence protection order removes the perpetrator from where the victim is - it effectively evicts the abusor from, often, the family home.

In any case, your mother leaving her home should be a final option. With the right pressure your father may be the one to go.