Parents volitile relationship

**snuffie** · 06-07-2010 06:00 AM

Hi,
I'm writing on here as I don't feel I can talk about to anyone at the moment.
I still live with my parents and for the last couple of years they have had a very volitile relationship, my mother has suffered with anxiety and depression for several years some periods harder than others and my dad has not being supportive admittedly it is hard but he has always being very degrading, either laughing at her or telling her that she is pathetic and a waste of space, even though she is working and running the house while he is retired due to ill health, he has also being very negative towards me about my appearance, weight and things such as my choice of degree and my driving lessons. Of late he has being threatening to leave my mother which is one of her greatest fears being alone when older, and it has cuminated in him coming home last night after an afternoon drinking and assulting my mum pinning her by the throat to the floor and throwing things at her.

She now wants him to leave but feels that it will be too hard as he will be stubborn and that my mother and I will have to leave the family home.

I just need advice and help please

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 06-07-2010 04:20 PM

Oh sweetheart, were home when that happened?

Abuse, when dished out over and over, reduces a person to feel no self worth, no future, & fear of leaving.

He is a very angry man. Understand that when it turns physical, there is a huge problem, I imagine most of the abuse comes when he drinks?

He's caught up with depression, negativity and anger but this isn't going to change and no one, especially a female, deserves to be pinned by their through and things thrown at them.

This is scary because it may escalate and you may not be there.

She does have to leave, and leave now.

I suggest that you explain to her, what it is also doing to you and that, once you've been physically abused and gotten away with it, it only gets worse.

Tell her you will mentally and emotionally support her.

Move, without him knowing, somewhere for the time being so that he can not react.

Mum needs to see a Councellor to understand "it's okay, it's not her fault and she can gain strength".

Then seek legal advice on how you both can move back into the home, and him out of it.

Are there family members you can talk to?

CW

**snuffie** · 06-08-2010 12:46 AM

No I wasn't there I was on my way back from work and missed the wholwe thing by about 5 mins but I saw her glassess and the objects he had thrown all over the room.

He has managed over her marriage to make her feel like she has no slef worth and that she cannnot cope without him which is wrong she can. She knows it will happen again she has said to me today that it will and that she needs to go it is just the practical side of it now. I'm scared to leave her and go to work because of it.

My mums father knows (so my grandfather) and is offering support and us somewhere to stay, she is wanting to let it die down for a few days and seek legal advice over the house but I don't think this is the right thing I think we need to get out of the house now.

I'm worried that he will let it all blow over hope that she will forget and that this will repeat soon.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 06-08-2010 05:13 AM

Oh sweetheart, this new way of the site is making people miss this thread, it's not as easy to find, so I will bring it up.

But, isn't the old the wise? Can they not see more than us?

So you mention that to her, she is worried that if she leaves she gets nothing, I know for being here for a while that can happen so I don't know that advise but I know other members do, remember I am in Australia.

Hense I will bring it up tomorrow if no replies

That I think is her concern and rightly so but also on the same hand, what if he hurts her more this time? That's not an option, she is taking a risk.

She has no witness, she is trying to cover her tracks.

I know your scared, so whilst at work can she go somewhere for that "whole period" ?

Yes she can and she has to...

She can not be alone... so that she has a witness or that he doesn't try, as there is someone there, until she can seek legal advise is what I can offer now to you....

Let others tell you what they know.

I will keep this active

CW

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 06-08-2010 04:55 PM

Bump

**snuffie** · 06-09-2010 11:23 AM

Thank you CW! so much!

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 06-09-2010 08:18 PM

And again bump,

anyone know the legal ramifications for snuffle's mum leaving an abusive home, for safety? Pertaining to Divorce?

Please

**LanaBear** · 06-09-2010 11:20 PM

The both of you need to figure out how to get out of the situation. Either him leaving or the two of you leaving... Not sure where you are, but can she file for a restraining order? Also, police reports need to be filed for any and all abuse. You need the paper trail should something happen. I would also suggest keeping a word doc or something on your computer of occurrences with dates and times. My sister was VERY abusive to my mom, physically and mentally. Unfortunately, your mom has to be willing to put the gears in motion. You can want her to get out of the situation all you want, but until she feels she can do it, there is little you can do.

Do you have family the two of you can stay with?

**WildChild** · 06-10-2010 12:25 AM

Getting away from him is imperative. What happens legally depends on a number of factors. She can do an online seach for an explaination of the laws in your area and consult with an attorney - they usually offer a brief free initial consultation.
Encourage her to get copies of all the financial docs and to get him off her bank account and credit cards. If there is any savings she should take it. The court may tell her later that she has to give some of it back but that's better than losing all.

If any violence happens again, she must call the police and sign a complaint. If they pick him up then either all the locks get changed or you both get out. It's never easy to leave your home. but her life and well being is in danger. If she isn't willing to go yet, get some clothing over to your grandparent's home, start stashing cash that he can't get at and that is accessible from outside the house. Get copies of critical keys and stash them someplace you can get at quickly outside the house.

**Hopeless Dork** · 06-10-2010 01:34 AM

Sorry you are going through this snuffie, you are their daughter... not a referee, not a marriage counseler and not prepared or equip to deal with all their problems, but there you are you set in the center of them. Your dad sounds like bully, probably has always been a bully and something is triggering him to be even more of one lately.

I don't know how old your mom is, but it doesn't matter. She doesn't have to be alone in her old age. She can make friends, she can take on hobbies she always wanted to, she has you, she can have other family and friends and its never to late for her to enjoy the company of a man that treats her well to have in her life.

Your mom needs to seek out an attorney, if she can not afford one she can look up a domestic violence support center and they may have some legal aid support people that can offer her some advice on how to proceed going forward if she intends to leave him/ fears more violence and or fears he will put you guys on the street.

Again I'm sorry you are thrust in the middle of it, you need outside help, I think looking up domestic violence support groups may be a good first step.