I need help to cope!!!!!!

**shirley chamberlain** · 06-19-2010 01:20 PM

I am so devistated. I have raised my disabled grandchildren until they graduated from HS tyear (at ages 22 and 20 because of their disabilities - Aspergers). Now, my life seems worthless. A friend, who was not really a friend jumped into my life and destroyed it. and to make a long story sorter..Mu daughter came down for the boys graduation from high school and I think she may have been overwhelmed with guilt for not being there while they were growing up. She didn't have enough money for my grandaughter to fly back with her, so she left her with me for three weeks. The second day after my daughter left, my grandaughter told me she didn't want to be with me and called a person she knows in another town to come get her... I had no choice, my daughter called and threatened to call the police if I didn't "immediately" let my grandaughter go. My grandaughter says she wants nothing to do with me. Now... my oldest grandson tried to kill me a few weeks ago and threatened last weekend again when all of this was going on, so I told him he had to leave the house.... Felt incredibly awful as soon as I did and tried to find him...... but within an hour he had contacted the same person where my grandaughter was (she has only known our family for a little over a year and knows nothing of the history) and went over there and says he never wants to see me again...and as it turns out, she bought tickets for both of them and had them on a plane 2,000 miles away within a day. In the meantime, that person has contacted Doctors and either canceled my grandson's counseling appointments and has even canceled his appointment to renew his medications which he really needs. When I spoke with the Dr. I was told that they were told to resind any authorization for me to know any thing about my grandson. I am so totally crushed. I know with 100% certainty that he would never have thought of that on his own and honestly feel that he was told to do that by the folks he is staying with. WHY???? He has been in my care all of his life since he was 12 and before that I was always in his life. Even more than his Mom most of the time....She had issues with DSS and didn't follow their rules very well. The rest of his life he was in foster homes or in residential treatment and still I was always there. I spent three months living at the Hospital with him when he was almost killed in a pedestrian accident in 2001. I'm sorry I am so broken inside. At over 60 years old, I never expected to have the end of my life be like this.

**Hopeless Dork** · 06-19-2010 01:35 PM

I have some questions to try to fully understand what you are saying.... how long were your grandchildren in your care?

What was the reason they ended up with you and did they have any contact with their mom before she came to get them?

What provoked the incident your grandson tried to kill you and how serious was the attempt?

It sounds like there is something hugely missing from what you are saying... because theres a lot of reactions happening on their side --- leaving with their mom, getting you unauthorized from medical information, attempting to kill you? And you don't give any insight as to what may have been the catalyst to all of this?

As if one day they just woke up hating you... quite possible I suppose, and please don't think I'm blaming you... just trying to understand how it went from black to white with one visit from the mom?

**shirley chamberlain** · 06-19-2010 02:25 PM

It is such a long involved story...... My grandchildren were never restricted from seeing their Mom or having contact with her by me. In fact, it was always I that had them send her cards and call her. It's been 10 years that they were in my care and I always was in their lives before that. Before that, they were in and out of foster homes, back and forth with one or the other of their parents (never for more than a few months at a time), and in residential treatment. In all those years, her visits with them were minimal. If she had stuck to regular visits and monitored her lifestyle before I became their guardian, I would never have become their guardian. The Courts always want to reunify children with their natural parents as a first option. The boy's father was incarcerated for four years for beating the youngest when he was only about 10 years old and he has never cared must about trying to see them.

Anyway for a long time, my daughter has been e-mailing the oldest claiming that I "took the boys away from her"...which is not the case at all, but any child wants to believe that their Mother is the one that would protect them the most and I am sure it is his way of accepting the fact that I had him and his mother did not. He certainly would not want to believe that she just wouldn't do what was required to keep him... I dunno.

The incident of trying to kill me was provoked because I was demanding that he show me respect in our home, and I slapped him across the face for talking back to me....he grabbed me from behind and tried to choke me out. My windpipe was crushed and I could hardly talk for more than a week. While my grandaughter was here he threatened to "take me out" again when I told her that she couldn't disrespect me and had to follow our house rules of being respectful.

It is so awful, the plan all along was for him to live with his Mom after he graduated, but never leave in the way that it happened. It's the hate towards me of my family that is killing me. My whole life has been devoted to my daughter for the last 40 years and her children for the last 22 years. I put her into three homes that I bought and she trashed all three of them so that I had to end up just giving them away. (a Camp on a lake, a 4-bedroom mobile home, and a chalet near a ski resort). The mobile home was condemed and the Chalet was sold for just $20,000 (for less than the value of the land)...actually just what I owed on it by the time I let it go.

**WildChild** · 06-19-2010 02:46 PM

Much as this may hurt it sounds like you may have been there too much for your daughter. They are all grown now, let them find their own way.
You've given a lifetime to others, it's time to do for you. Change the locks. Do some traveling, take a class or two, join a gym.

**Hopeless Dork** · 06-19-2010 03:28 PM

It sounds like you have spent a great deal of your life in chaos at your daughters negligent hands. You've loved her so much and have tried to do right by both her and her kids using what resources and experience you had to handle the situation. I agree with WC, as much as it hurts... all the parties are grown ups now and its time to let them pick up after their own messes.

You can rest assured that when their chips are down its you that they will come running to, but keep in mind the thanks you got for all the sacrafices you've made.

Its was all so dysfunctional. I realize you might be lonely, feel hurt, betrayed, used etc... lots of pain. But take comfort in the quiet and the opportunity to start living for your life yourself instead of others going forward from here. Find out what makes you happy, where your interests lie, etc... discover a life where you are the center of your attention for a while and see just how amazing finding yourself can feel.

**jns** · 06-19-2010 03:56 PM

One of the symptoms of Aspergers is the lack of empathy. Be comforted by the knowledge that you did the right thing. Maybe you can turn your energies to volunteering to help the less fortunate. If it is to be, your family will later realize what you have done and make amends.

**shirley chamberlain** · 12-29-2010 12:43 AM

I'm still trying to cope. Over the last six months I have tried to contact my daughter and oldesst grandson ....just saying that I hope they are doing okay and that he is happy, etc. Unfortunately, the response has been so incredibly evil. I have been told that I should just crawl into a grave where I belong and that nothing would make my grandson happy until I was deal. I have been able to see some of his blogs on the internet and they are so DARK... I am so concerned for the rest of his life. I have tried to get his mother to see the viciousness of his blogs and responses to me and instead of admitting that there may be something very wrong, she tries to justify what he writes or just says that he will be 23 in a few weeks and that what he feels is nothing that she can do anything about or say anything to him about. He has also written very hateful things to his sister (on his father's side). She has very low self esteem and his communications with her have been so mean. I was made aware of this through his brother who has a great relationship with his sister. He also seems to have a girlfriend who is EMO and into vampirism, etc., She blogs about all of this and uses the most disturbing profanity and hatred on her facebook page.

It should be noted, that my other grandson (his brother) still lives with me...he indicated to his mother that he did not want to go to Maine to live with her. He now has a job and had made great strides working with Florida Voc Rehab. I am so proud of his progress (which by the way, was the same plan that was in place for his brother if he had not left Florida)

Okay... I needed to vent. I guess my question is around a support group (maybe on line) for parents and grandparent whose children, etc. hate them so badly that they want them dead. Are there any of these? In all of my years I would never have expected this to be my experience at the end of my life. My familly (Mom, Dad, grfandparents, siblings) always were close and they would all turn over in their graves at this turn of events.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 12-29-2010 03:12 AM

Hun, welcome back

If he's in a "dark side" he's been co-erced and if your other Grandson refuses to go home to his Mother, yet, he's doing really well with you, you've saved one Grandson...

I suspect, he is being evil because he knows your trying to intervene...

Whether you like it or not, we don't live in ourpast, that beingthe way you know / knew life, your family being close...Unfortunately, we can't change people ,they have to want to change themselves, he's happy in his "evil" bubble and I am going to recommend for your own sanity, to let it go, you can't save him...

Hopefully, he will change as he matures....

Look at your achievement with your other grandson....

We can't choose family....and we can't save the world...

Focus on "this" grandson.....your doing fantastic there and that's what's important....

I suspect if you've gone to that extreme to ascertain what he's into, then you can google that type requesting support groups ...Coping with children who are into EMO / Vampires for instance..

I have read an abundance of stories, whereby someone in the group turns, on someone..Protect yourself and your other grandson, let it go sweet, please......

CW

**shirley chamberlain** · 12-29-2010 01:51 PM

Thank you so much for your response. It really does mean a lot. I know in my heart that you are right and that letting go is the only direction that I can reasonably take. It's just kinda difficult. HOWEVER....... It gets easier each day and with each piece of evidence that confirms I have done everything I can do. Also, knowing that my other grandson, who is the only one that really knows what our living situation was like and can be objective (he loves his Mom and Brother, etc as much as anyone would and this is so disturbing to him)......knowing that he chooses to stay here rather than move into the home with his brother and mother.........and has brought up on his own, after taking a course in Psychology, that he thinks his brother may be a sociopath.

Again... Thank you. This forum is great for sharing without letting all of my personal acquaintances know all of our family turmoil...

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 12-29-2010 01:55 PM

It gets easier each day and with each piece of evidence that confirms I have done everything I can do

Much like a relationship, that you can't let go of yet.. Until you've given 100% and know there is not an ounce more you can give, can you then walk, knowing you gave your all and walk peacefully..I think you've given your 100%

We can't choose family remember, but we can choose to focus on ourselves, and those that are like us and we can choose to stay around positive and ignore negative, even if that is family