relationship, problems with daughter..heart broken

**decap1968** · 06-19-2010 09:06 PM

Hi, in desperate need of advice, 1st IM a wife, nd a mother to 4kids a stepson 22, twins 13, nd a daughter 24, who I clash with. I had a unhealthy relationship with own mom.. and I dont want that to happen to us. my daughter, was 2 when her dad nd I divorced, I remarried wen she was 5, and she took the name of my husbands, she never had a relationship with real dad, but was very close to aunts. they spoiled her rotten, until she got older, then dropped her like a hot potato. My daughter was a great kid.. all threw school. good grades, played sports, never got in trouble, down side, not for me.. but for her, never had a boyfriend, which called for no self esteem. my goal for her was to go to college.. all mothers dream. well, she met a guy, right after hs. guess what.. he ended up to be an abuser.. horrible situition.. she wouldnt leave. after, about a year nd a half. she hooked up with his best friend.. good she got out of relationship. but for some sick reason, she still misses the abuser.. so much more to this, but I would be writing a book. long story short... she despises me.. blames me for how her life is.. not so much in words, but her reaction to me. she is a very selfish person, she was not raised like that. , she acts like I owe her something, now she is about to have a baby in july. Im worried do to our bad relationship, she will keep the baby from me out of spite... PLEASE, anyone out there with similar story, I could use support.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 06-19-2010 10:40 PM

In reading that, you were very proud of her and she was perhaps reserved a little... I know we all have goals for our children but ultimately they have to live their own lives, have to be their own person, not what we want them to be, we did our job, guided them in life. At some point, they need to be their own individual selves.

Going out with an abuser and still loving him is no self esteem.. She doesn't feel worthy and that could have been because she felt abandoned from her real father, and didn't bond properly with you perhaps? You mention she was close to her Aunties but you didn't state she was ever close to you. So she could feel / felt like she never belonged anywhere. The abuser, made her feel wanted, even if he treated her bad, she would more than likely cry and hold onto him, someone, that was hers and he remained, as he controlled her, so she felt loved.

The baby is a gift. It will bring her back around somewhat. She will be able to have a little person that she can love that belongs to her.

The fact that you say " sick reason" and glad she ended up with someone else, and she was a great kid, you had goals, her Aunties ditched her, makes me feel that you put alot of pressure on her as a child to be perhaps, what you didn't achieve.

You also don't mention at all that she got close to her Step-Dad. I'm guessing not...

It's never too late to develop a bond. Most Mums want their daughters to do better than they did. Most daughters don't want to be like their Mums and try to break the mould

Most daughters long for that Daddy that calls them "princess" and search for that bond with a man.

But, now what you have to do is to be there for her, let her be her own person, tell her you love her and respect her decisions in which ever way she wants to go in life.

My Mother and I developed our strained relationship at 25..

Kids need love. They need encouragement, to be told they are a good person regardless of what anyone else says, to know that they have support and not looked down at, through their mistakes in life, rather told, it's okay, there are lessons to learn in life and sometimes you have to go through carp to learn them.

It's good that you want to have a relationship with your daughter... She may keep the baby from you, if you don't see that she needs her Mother now as a "best friend" not a Mother.

What do you have to lose?

CW