Physically Abusive Family & Moving out!

**Lostwithoutyou081280** · 06-23-2010 11:29 PM

My best friend of 10 years has been going through issues since she was a child. Her uncle raped her at the age of 8 and I found her sitting at a park crying after what she said was a year of sexual advances that he actually raped her. When she tried to tell her parents they felt she was lieing and became very angry anddisgusted with her.

we both come from the same cultural background- and it is VERY strict. ( Both sri Lankan) We were however born and raised in canada whereas both our parents were born and raised in SriLanka.

I always felt that there was serious anger directed toward Tania( I changed her name ) because her mother conceived Tania before marriage, and refused to abort her child and ended up running away with her boyfriend against their parents wishes. They ended up suffering a lot to keep this child and gave up a lot for it. In turn I always felt that they had serious anger towards her.

This anger manifested into senseless rage that turned into physical beatings. At the age of 8 there wasn't much I could do and as we got older things go worse. By 11, I couldn't take it and we went to a counsellor and spilled out our hearts about everything. They in turn called Youth Protection and took her away. So angered by this there parents put on an easy lie about how they've changed and took her back and one day changed their address and moved away with tania. During this time I was forbidden to see her by her parents and eventually I left to boarding school.

i came back as soon as i heard that they had moved and hidden from the support team, i had luckily bumped into Tania in the bus, where she told me not much has changed since we were 11 and things might have gotten worse. She also said that she had found a boyfriend. I assumed that this boyfriend must not be helping the problem at home and i assumed correctly. The parents were absolutley against it but atleast it was someone in her life who could protect her more than I could at the time.

That year she again tried to run away and kill herself and was put in a foster home for 3 days and was sent back home after deals made with her parents. Hwoever her parents never kept the promise and continued to beat her well into college, at one point even cracking her skull with an umbrella and car door.

Now highly sensitive to head injuries, a sensitive heart, frequent panic attacks and serious anxiety problems as well as depression Tania has made it to fashion design private college. She pays for things herself but still suffers serious injuries and abuse at home. Now however things are different i'm faced with a big choice, of getting her out of her house. She has decided to move out and live with my parents and me. My family is okay with it 100% thought we've played with this idea since we were children, it is finally coming true. I'm worried as to how to go about this. What is the correct way to do this"?

She's 19, and i know that she can take care of herself but i can't help but feel a psychologist or therapist might be necessary for her to vent her problems....

Should she or I go to the police and get a restraining order?

Should she sneak out with the classic NOTE on her bed?

I'm confused, scared, hurt... but I will stop at nothing to help her.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 06-24-2010 04:18 AM

Oh darling, what a journey? What a supportive friend...

Yes ,she should get a restraining order she is older she can stand on her own and she has faith, she has you, and your family.

My heart broke reading all of that.

No, she should gather her things she is an adult not tell them anything, they are lsot souls and have no idea what they have done, she should just start again with you for now... No notes... No discussion.. Just escape.. She can deal with that later when she is ready. What she needs now is "belief" that she can change this pattern, she has somewhere to go and she can deal with it WHEN, she is ready.

I am hurt for you... Just do it...

She is of age, they can do nothing... Don't let them know where she has gone, let her start her life... And if she ever wants to talk? Let her do it in her time.

She has endured enough.. Your giving her wings to fly, a new beginning, a hope... Don't let her let them know where she is...You can help her, feel and love again because of your love and realise it's OK..

Thanks so much for your thread, your a good person.....

Sorry for the pain that comes with love of someone, but it's the way life is...

Be there for her and please tell us how it all goes.

CW

**jns** · 06-24-2010 10:02 PM

It is easy and common for a person to go back to an abusive relationship, because it is what they know and they feel that they can live with it. If your friend cuts ties with her family, she is going to have to rely heavily on friends for moral support, a shoulder to cry on and sometimes a place to live or financial support.

Have her make a list of why she needs to get away from her family. Make sure she puts a lot of reasons on the list. She has to do this before she leaves. She needs to give you a copy of the list. Later, in moments of weakness, she will rationalize away some of the reasons. You have to help her see that she is rationalizing, that things really haven't changed and that she cannot rationalize all of the problems. You will have to comfort her and strengthen her belief that she can live her own life. Good luck to both of you.