Brother in law issues

**suchnsuch** · 06-25-2010 09:32 AM

About 3 or 4 months ago my husband and I took in his brother from off the streets and away from the drugs. He's cleaned himself up and is trying to get his life straight. There's just issues I have and I need advice. About the only good he does is cook and wash the dishes, which is great because I hate both. However, I think the problems started when he brought in his kids without even asking my husband and I. Suddenly, a weekend visit turned into "they're not going back to their mom" (neither have legal custody, and she doesn't care, sadly). We promised to get him back on his feet in the beginning, even though we were struggling just between the two of us because there's truly not another family member of theirs that would bother helping. But, how do we support a 1 year old and a 4 year old, as well? On top of all this, he won't bother looking for a job, telling us that no one will hire him with a criminal background, which is a complete lie. I know his criminal background, and people have been hired for worse offenses. Two nights in a row, he's left the door unlocked at night and even though it's not a bad neighborhood, it's not immune to crime, as we recently found out. He leaves food all over the floor from the kids and can't remember to pick it up or vacuum. He won't change his son's diaper over a blanket, so now there's a nice stain in the carpet. And we have to support his smoking habit. And he'll drink until there's nothing left or he passes out, whichever happens first. THANKFULLY, my husband has talked to him about most of the things mentioned, but I'm worried that nothing's going to change. I'm afraid I'm going to start resenting him before it's all done with. I dread going home and when I am home, I have to lock myself in my room just to keep myself blissfully ignorant about what's going on on the other side of the door. Anyone have any advice, or am I just being a royal B?

Thanks to anyone who can help!!!

**KMonte85** · 06-25-2010 09:52 AM

No you're not being a royal anything. You, out of the kindness of your heart, took your BIL in and are supporting him in his effort to get clean. But not its come to a point where he's gotten too comfortable and is taking advantage of your kindness. It needs to stop, and he needs to know that there are boundries.

First of all, anyone who has a drug problem can not get straight in 3 or 4 months. He is still an addict, the drugs are still in his system and will be for a while yet before he is 100% clean. He needs to be practicing ABSOLUTE SOBRIETY! That means no alcohol too, as a drug addict can substitute alcohol pretty easily and never truly get straight. Second, he needs to be going to some sort of drug counselling... sure, he's in a clean environment, and is doing better, but without proper therapy to help him work through his addictions (the causes, the effects, the game plan for a better future), he is still very much at risk and have a very high chance of getting back into drugs.

It is good that your husband has told him that he needs to be more respectful of your home, but more needs to be done. Right now, he lives carefree for the most part.. sitting about, being catered to, cleaned up after. Making meals and washing dishes is a start, but he needs to do more. If you want your situation to improve, you will have to sit him down, and have a discussion about his future. You must demand that he seeks out counselling (don't let him tell you it is too expensive, there are many free sources that offer help - being broke is not an excuse), and you must demand that he get a job, even if it is just an entry level, flipping burgers/washing toilets kind of job, he needs to be contributing to the household - to be honest, I suspect the drug counselor would tell him the same thing.

You and your husband are doing a great thing here, very commendable! But your help can only go so far... when it gets to a point that you and your husband can't make ends meet, you need to take action. And there is only so much help you can offer without being trained in drug addiction and recovery therapy. He needs to seek outside help as well!

**suchnsuch** · 06-25-2010 10:29 AM

Thank you so much for posting. This is what I've been looking for and have been wanting to hear from someone. I was beginning to think I was going crazy. lol. I'm sure being on the pill doesn't help my roller-coaster of emotions lately. The hard part of all of this now, is sitting my husband down, at the very least, and demanding that his brother get a job. It's not like we can kick him out. He has nowhere else to go, and the kids...as much as an inconvenience they are, shouldn't have to suffer for their father's mistake if he did have to leave. Some people have said that I should get CPS involved, which I don't believe to be right. They are my nephews now, after all. My BIL was supposed to get a job with the same company my husband works at a couple of weeks after he moved in with us, but since then the company has been going down hill and letting people go left and right. Now, it looks like it's getting better and they may be hiring again soon. My husband's supervisors say that they'll hire on his brother, but we don't know when that will be. Could be next week...or in the next few months. Will I still be doing the right thing by asking him to get a job flipping burgers until that happens?

Thanks again KMonte85 for your help! And anyone else who posts!

**sourpuss** · 06-25-2010 11:17 AM

You and your husband need to sit down and write out a list of rules and a timeline.
Cleaning, changing the kid, etc can all be done immediately. Set a timeline for him getting a job. And add to the list that drinking and smoking are not allowed as long as he lives there. If he's going to smoke, he can buy his own (maybe that will motivate him to look for a job) No alcohol in the house, period.)
Sit him down and confront him as a united team, you and your husband. And let him know that you are there to help him and the kids and you want what's best for him, but there are going to be rules attached to your generosity. Make sure he knows there are consequences as well. If he drinks, doesn't find a job, doesn't clean....he's out and CPS are called. No ifs, ands, or buts.