Move back where his kids are or not - long post... sorry

**Librian** · 06-27-2010 04:06 AM

Originally Posted by Hopeless Dork

I just... yeah. I agree with you that you are not suited to have these children in your life. You "don't like" the little one, at all. So his assuming you hate his kids.... really wan't THAT much of a leap? No, you aren't forcing his hand to leave his children or to choose you over them... he can make up his own mind and the picture you paint of him shows a man that is not very responsible , found a gal to pay the bills for him and will sacrafice being in his childrens lives, even so far as to not even bring them up in conversation... in order to continue to be supported. He's not a loser... but I think if you read this and were not in the relationship... you'd be hard pressed to see a real winner there.

What would be your ideal out of this situation? Best case scenerio in your mind would be? Him never seeing his kids again and pretending they don't exsist? I just don't see what you could possibly be hoping for out of this situation unless you changed your heart on how you want to accept his children...

Its not that I don't like her at all, I don't know this kid - All I can see is her behaviour so that stops me from even trying.

Also in relation to finances he does contribute so its not like he is sponging off me. I have more disposable cash as I earn lots more - he contrinutes what he can and always pays his maintenance for his kids. But I can see the other side in that he isn't a real winner with 6 kids, 4 exes and limited income.

Best case scenario would be for him to have contact with his kids but that doesn't have to include me. Its about his relationship with his kids which shouldn't be dependent on me establishing one with them.

**Librian** · 06-27-2010 04:21 AM

Originally Posted by CHANDLERS WISH

So firstly, don't you have to ask yourself, why you want to do this? Sounds to me that you are wanting to "help" this person but don't agree with so much in which he brings children up, let alone, no responsibility, let alone, fathers children like it's not an issue.

You've even admitted your not maternal and you pay the majority of the bills.

Comments like that, will get you banned.. She's expressing her thoughts, opinion.. Your disagreeing... do it politely.

So he doesn't want to be alone... Seems you don't either and your using your profession to justify.

It's obvious your struggling with the whole situation.. You like the person.. The likes, personality and you want to help him...

But, your not wanting to and rightly so, put up with kids sleeping between you, wetting the bed, yet it appears that they need someone.

So you need to deside your love for this man... And compromise... or see this relationship as not what you can cope with it's all too much for you...

CW

Your first question is a good one - and I will think on that one some more...

I don't see the connection with maternal feeling and paying the majority of the bill. He pays for his kids still even though he is far away. And like I said before I earn more and its my house so yes, I pay the majority of the mortgage but all other bills are shared. But if theres a shortfall I cover it.

I don't see how making my comment about not labeling someone will get me banned - it wasn't a difference of opinion it was a judgement. I can handle a difference of opinion but I don't think its fair to judge someone so harshly. How is it polite to call someone a loser...?

Your final comments are also good and require me to think on it more closely - I do love this person and don't think that he needs rescuing. I agree with the compromise comment however I'm serioulsy concerned that IF I returned it wouldn't be a compromise situation if he gets back half half care - as I see compromise is two way both making sacrifices to accomodate each other and build something together.

But how do you compromise in these types of situations? I know people do it - raise someone elses kids - but how? At the moment it seems all too hard and bewildering but I'm relucant to throw it in now as I haven't decided to move yet... but would be open to it if my fears could be soothed.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 06-27-2010 04:39 AM

Well, here is my take... You don't have maternal instincts. You've raised a child to 20 on your own, as a lawyer which means you've worked your butt off... Now, he may pay for the children, but I guess he lives with you and you are paying more.. because of those children.. So you cover it.. That's okay, that's fair he has 6 children... But.... your not maternal so why do you want someone in your life that has 6 children to 4 other women. Your safe... If you were maternal then there could be 7 or 8 children and your share of repayments would be none... But your not... so your safe, to him... and a lawyer so someone that's "good" for him...

Wildchild
Have to agree with the other posters. I feel very sorry for the children, he sounds like a loser. His track record with women and children paints a pretty dismal picture. What positives are there in this for you?

I don't see how making my comment about not labeling someone will get me banned

Did she not just agree? Did she label? Or did she ask a question? The same one you have to think about... The reason why your safe, for him... Your not maternal.. she posed a question... Your the one that judged.

Compromise, you are correct is a two way thing... He needs to see what you are sacraficing... Are you not a woman whom is a business woman, whom is a woman of the world, whom has had a child and successfully raised one, whom is over 40 and wants to love and live? And, wasn't he someone whom had 4 women in his life, 6 children, and some of those women, clingly , needy, and ensuring that he is in their lives? And, the children, clingy and feeling un-wanted, un-loved and turning to him? And, in that you are in his life... So therefore, will do the same to you. And so, as WC said, what is in it for you?

You have to decide, is your love strong enough to bring up 6 children, to cope with 4 Mothers and to be the Mother of all Mothers in that love, and make them , teach them, be a Mum to all of them and bring them up with him in this World better than what their Mother's are doing, or are you a career woman whom loves this man and can't handle the baggage that is there, for you, that wasn't yours to start with and correct it for him...

So again, as WC stated, what about you?

CW