When is it okay for a parent to give up on an "adult" child?

**KMonte85** · 07-20-2010 07:06 AM

Lana... There isn't much I can say that hasn't already been said here. It is a sad and frustrating situation. I too am going through this, although only in the first stages. My nephew is suffering from alcoholism at age 26. He's "disowned" his entire family (except when he needs them once a month to pay his rent), lies, cheats, steals, fights... it is a trainwreck to watch. Especially seeing my brother try to help his son to no avail. I just want to shake the rational into him, make him realize what he's doing to his son is NOT helping, only enabling his demons to keep the control... but he won't see it. Jeff is his son and he will bail him out until the day he dies.

At least in my case, I can separate myself from it, you have to have it shoved in your face every time you see your mother... and that's horrible. I think p might have a point there.. if you and your mom aren't already seeking some counseling, you may want to look into AL-ANON. I've seen how much help they can provide to families dealing with an alcoholic... I wish I could get my brother to swallow his pride and go, I know it would be a huge help.

**Little.Chuck** · 07-20-2010 08:11 AM

Lana, Reading this my heart went out to you. Its a horrible situation to be in. You are obviously concerned for your mums wellbeing as well as emotional state, however, you are not looking out for your own. As much as you dont want to, you really need to speak to your mum, and tell her how you feel. I doubt she realises how much this effects you. Life is too short to leave things unsaid. Im sure she would want to support you more if she knew how you felt, but she wont know until you tell her. You need your mum just as much as your sister does, and you deserve the same amount of support and attention.

**LanaBear** · 07-20-2010 09:46 AM

Thanks everyone. Yeah, she does go to meetings when she can, she travels a lot for her business and has custody of my sisters daughter, so she doesn't get a lot of time to herself.

I try to not let it bother me a lot, not nearly as much as it did years ago, but sometimes it just gets to be a little too much to hold in for a time and it comes out frantically.

**sourpuss** · 07-20-2010 01:11 PM

Hang in there Lana. I feel for you. I can add much to what's already been said, but to answer the OP question, in my opinion, yes. Maybe if you do give up on her and completely cut her out of your life your mom may be inspired to have a bit more strength when it comes to her and not enable her so much.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 07-21-2010 02:43 AM

Lana, food for thought.

The reason why I suggested that you "talk" to your Mother about "you" is purely to answer your question..

In my Opinion, the only way you can get her to start to de-stress so much and not pay as much attention and to give up, is to have another reason.

She already has your nieces/nephews, works..

Your Sister, may very well do something real, if your Mother wasn't there supporting her, tough love.

Your Mother, would be stressless, if she had a distraction and that is you.

This is why as much as you think it may cause her more grief, I think you will find it will make her "think" and realise that she has also been selfish, not deliberately, willingly, thinking your OK, but that she has neglected you and that you are important.

Attending to you, over what ever it is you need help over, just may be the further bond you two need for each other and the answer for her to start letting go of the problems your Sister can not get over.

What is scary is that she is documenting everything. That means it's consuming her, mentally as well. That means that she also has a fear. And, that means, that she needs you as well ,not just there to tell her "it's okay", but perhaps telling her, "your just like me, you've been standing on your own, by yourself, taking on the children, taking on the financial burden but more importantly, taking on the fear... It's time you and I had more time together Mum. I need you and you need me... Please change your plans and come and help me out, and at the same time, let's have a Mum and daughter chat, we both need it.

CW

**pretzel** · 07-21-2010 06:18 AM

LB my dear friend, I hate to say this but I don't think things are going to change which is both sad and unfortunate.

I'm making a couple of assumptions in my response so if I'm wrong I apologize.

I take it your sister is the baby of the family. Many times for some unknown reason the baby of the family is treated differently. They seem to be the ones most protected by their parents. They are ones who inadvertently get the most attention and most leeway. I think this is true here. Your sister knows that and is taking advantage of it only because that's the only thing she knows. She was raised to feel that there is nothing that she can do that mom won't let her get away with.

I wouldn't be suprised to also hear that your mom also feels somewhat responsible for your sister's alcohol addiction and is feeling very guilty over it. That may be a subliminal reason why she has your nieces and not their mom. But it's also easier to be an enabler in this situation. For your mom to do the right thing is at the same time your mom acknowledging to herself that she has been a bad parent to your sister. That may very well be the hardest thing your mom may have to face. But the truth is that that is not true and that the alcohol addiction has nothing to do with your mom and her ability as a parent. That is going to be your mom's biggest obstacle. Once she gets over that then I think you'll see a dramatic change. But until she does, there is not going to be any changes.

I'm sorry.

**LanaBear** · 07-21-2010 10:55 AM

I agree CW and I've been telling my mom she needs to display a little tough love for years. She takes on a lot and I try to do as much as I can for her and since she is bicoastal, I do handle what I can for her on one side.

I did tell her it would be a huge help if she could make it out next week and she said she would. Plans change, life changes and now she may not make it. I feel if I bring it up again, she then comes out of guilt, which I won't allow, she doesn't need that (my issues with always putting everyone and everything ahead of myself). She'll be out in a couple of weeks anyways for some business affairs that we're dealing with.

Yeah, Pretz, you are right. She is the baby of the family and yes, oh yes, treatment has been different. I think she was given a lot of freebies, especially after my parents divorced because she was adored by my dad and so the divorce effected her the most. I couldn't have been more happier. So, I think out of guilt, there was a lot of leeway and it spiraled out of control from there.

I'm sure my mom often wonders where she went wrong. She's asked me the question before. A lot of it may be genetics too, addiction runs rampant in my family. She's taken a lot of the blame, even in spots where I don't think the blame is hers to take.

I stopped all contact with my sister 4 or so years ago, hoping it would help my mom do the same. I'm hoping after the last blast, she is really and truly done, but I've heard it before. I suppose all I can do is give her constant reassurance that it's okay, it's out of her control, my sister will do what she wants regardless if my mom is there for her or not.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 07-21-2010 03:58 PM

Sounds to me that she never got over the Divorce, she was her Daddy's Princess and Mummy took that all away so Mummy can pay now...It's such a common thing but obviously never addressed right in all the counselling she did at the beginning, she's self loathing and needs the alcohol / drugs & anything bad, for the attention and the addiction.

I can see where your Mother is thinking it's her fault but she needs to understand, it isn't.

If your Mother was to cut her off completely, I don't think your sister would see that as pfttt and never speak with her again, I think it would make her really angry and that scares me. It's like, she would re-live it again, that separation.

Where is your Dad? If you don't mind me asking ...

Thread: When is it okay for a parent to give up on an "adult" child?

LinkBack

Thread Tools

Search Thread

Display

Similar Threads

How to "live my life" and make parents happy simultaneously...??

How long does the "Honey moon" stage last? I want it to last forever!!

the "dark brown" ring and "stain" at the back door...

"the short skirt and sexy shorts fitness solution"

Bookmarks

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions