My teenage daughter has started keeping secrets and disrespectful towards me.

**dmareen31** · 08-03-2010 11:17 PM

Hi I'm new,
I have a teenage daugther who has just turned 17 last month.
We have always been so close, but over the past few months she has started keeping secrets from me, being rude when I talk to her and just generally disrespectful towards my hubby and I. More towards me seeing I am home more.
I have always been a hands on mum and been there for her in every way so I don't understand how things can change so much.
I have also always taken time to have long chats with her when needed, fully support her in her pusuit of her dreams, and off course the odd lecture when needed on her behaviour.
It has become so hard to get anything out of her as to what is going on in her life let alone important stuff that parents need to know and I am wondering is there a way to get your daughter to open up more.
She also is obsessed with the computer and of course Facebook and her friends are the only people that seem to matter to her, unfortunately at the expense of her parents.
I must also say she has not long "come out" to us as being ''gay'' and I realise that this would be contributing to her moodiness and possible attitude in general.
We have given her full support on this and made it very clear that our home is a safe enviroment for her to talk and feel safe whenever she needs it, so I feel I am doing the best I can with her.
I was just wondering how other mums handle this stage as I don't feel her behaviour is related particularly to one thing only, I feel she seems to have lost her way a bit.
I am aware that many mums got through this but my daughter seeems to have gone from one extreme to the other in a very short space of time.
Hoping you can help!
Thank you.
Dmareen

**p3375** · 08-04-2010 02:31 AM

d:
I must also say she has not long "come out" to us as being ''gay'' and I realise that this would be contributing to her moodiness and possible attitude in general.
We have given her full support on this and made it very clear that our home is a safe enviroment for her to talk and feel safe whenever she needs it, so I feel I am doing the best I can with her

good for you on being there for her. Lots of parents go postal when their kids come out - it's very stressful for you and her and sounds like you handled it just right. As for the other, I don't have kids so can only speak from dim memories of my own teenage years. I think all you can do is remain open, supportive and most of all loving. Sometimes being loving = letting go a bit - letting her find her own way even if you believe it's not the best path she could take. I remember when my Mom would ask me about my day or about my friends I would see it as prying or as if she were trying to control me. Just made me angry. Took me years of growing and setteling down to realize she was just being a loving mom. Patience, love trust.... that's the best I can suggest.

Pat

**pretzel** · 08-04-2010 06:56 AM

I think Pat's right.

I've had to go through the 17's both with my son, daughter and step daughter. My step son will be 17 in a couple of months.

Long and short, too young to be an adult, too old to be a kid.

They really are just trying to find their own independence and identity. Lots and lots of things are changing both physically and emotionally.

Understand, you'll never be right in anything you say or do. It's in their genes.

If you have faith and confidence that their morals and values are strong, just accept that this is the beginning of the next phase in life where your children suddenly become less your kids and more young adults.

**WildChild** · 08-04-2010 08:05 AM

I had this explained to me many years ago when my kids were toddlers. In the toddler years they are establishing a separate sense of self. They are learning that they and mom are different people (or perhaps we as parents are learning that). They go through it all over again as teens. She is preparing both herself and you for her move into adulthood.

Pretzel is right, "too young to be an adult, but too old to be a child". If you have done your job as a parent well, it is time to start stepping back and trusting that they will be OK. Just like toddlers, teens have to be able to test the water, you can still set some limits to help keep it safe but know that at this age, they will push your boundries. By 17 and in the final year of high school, I allowed my daughter pretty complete freedom, I needed to know where she would be, with whom and when to expect her home and have a way to reach her (cell). But I provide that same information when I'm out too. She was very sensible about it and there was never a problem. I suspect that if I had tried to be more controlling, there would have been a power struggle. She starting her second year of college and aside from cleaning issues, there really are no challenges. I'm starting the same process with my son. Where I live at 18, aside being able to buy alcohol, they are adult and can legally act without parental involvement, they need to move into that gradually so that they don't suddenly go into free fall and do something stupid just because they can.

**AliceJW** · 08-04-2010 10:55 AM

I think like others have said that as long as you remain open and supporting eventually she'll come around. The best thing you can do as a parent is just to always be there for your child even though sometimes it may be difficult.
Even thought you look at it like she's abandoned her relationship with you, to her its more of a time for her to let go and sprout her own relationships with other people so she may become more independent.
Just remind her you're there for her and be the best parent you can be, situations like this are always a bit tough.

**BabyGirl** · 08-04-2010 11:41 AM

I have raised 4 thru their 17's. Son, now 35, daughter now 30, son now 23 & Daughter 20. I must admit the oldest 2 were the difficult ones as I did not have the support of a forum like this and had to " wing it " being a single mother.

I'll start with London. Him being the oldest and a Boy, he was allowed more freedom, so to speak as he got older. I wasn't as concerned as I should have been. Having 3 younger than him, 1 a Teen girl that was going thru puberty and interested in boys & make-up. She was the one to watch in my mind. 1 son that was a normal pre-teen and a young daughter that had epilepsy.
London didn't finish high School, dropped out in March when he turned 18, Still lived at home and at age 19 fell from our building roof, 30 ft, when he was drunk and is now Traumatic Brain Injured. (T.B.I) and also lost the use of his left arm.

At age 35 ,he still has the mentality of a 16-18 year old. Girls and partying is all he's into . Since age 19 and the fall, he has fallen drunk and had seizures from the first TBI, Had a 2nd Brain surgery and a Titanium plate put in his skull and also severely burnt himself, full frontal torso.. All while Drunk and doing what he wants to when he wants to.

I blame myself for alot of his disability because I let him do what he wanted and had no true set " Rules of Conduct." when he was a teen in my home. I failed him as a Mother

My daughter , who was teening, as I called it, saw that London had freedom and I was busy being more of a "mom" to the younger 2, especially the Baby of the Family , who had constant Dr's appts and

needed much more of my attention. She had 2 lives, one at home and one with her friends. The first couple of her Wild Years, she acted normal, fairly respectful until she hit 16.

Then all heck broke loose.

She wouldn't be home by curfew, wouldn't come home at all sometimes. was indifferent, sneaky,disrespectful in the brief moments at home. The good ole don't you trust me ? when I would question her.

** Note, I was an Apartment Manager of 2 Complex's and she would say she was staying with one of the Tenants' kids for the night.

I let it go usually thinking she was safe and being busy with the youngest med probs and being a manager, I assumed that the neighborhood was helping raise a child ( teen ). Was just a normal teen and bucking authority and testing the waters... Until She got into trouble, started drinking like her brother ( this is just before his fall ) got into drugs and was having sex with a 30 year old man in our complex.

One evening the cops came to my door looking for her as a witness to an assault in the neighborhood. A group of her & friends were drunk, got in a fight with an adult took a baseball bat and broke the ladies arm. My daughter wasn't the one who did the assault but was around and needed to be questioned.

She wasn't home but I promised to call them as soon as she returned. She retuned home that night, 10 pm, Drunk as a skunk, belligerent and mouthy. I became a Mother that night..

I called the cops after grounding her to her room and Locking her in .. Cops came talked with her agreed that she did not assault the lady down the street and they started to leave. And I asked for help from them. They said it was " a personal issue and we should get counseling." They see so many teens like this there is not much they can do.

Well I saw red.. Not anger at the cops, but anger at myself. She needed help, I needed help, our family needed help. So I asked them if it was ok that a Minor was Drunk ? One wonderful Cop, said "No, actually it's illegal and a crime.".... I had her arrested for Minor in Possession of Alcohol, ( meaning in her body). They took her to Juvenile Hall. She spent 3 days there, because I would not pick her up.

In those 3 days, I took a hard look at myself, my family and what I wanted out of being a Mother. Did I want Heartache and Strife and Worry ? Did I want them to live long and happy lives with the joy of loving and having kids ?

I hired some help for my youngest 2 , Set Rules of Conduct for my Daughter & London. ***He fell after this***

Got in their " Business " Daily... Made them Earn and Learn & Respect people and the Freedom that Parents Allow them.

London now lives in Texas near his Grandmother, at age 35, he still drinks, his father passed away last year from Drinking, His father was 58 years old. Sad !!!!! His father failed as a Father and I failed as a Mother..

My Daughter.. Different Story, 30, Married 7 years, makes 3 times what I do in a year. And actually Calls me and says " Thanks Mom, for being so Mean " Lol

~~~~~~~~~~~********************~~~~~~~~~~********* ****~~~~~~~~

So Yes it is so Important that you Get in her " Business " and Set Rules and Love her for who she is and will become. Because she is your daughter, You love her and want the Best for her..

1) Demand Respect to set Rules. Write these down in a Contract. Sign & Date them with a witness that is not in the position to take sides..

2) Ground her when she breaks Rules. Take away Internet, phone etc. " Actions and Conseqences"

3) Make time Daily to talk about worry's of hers or yours or to adjust the rules for special occasions.

I learned this the hard way, trial and error.

Support her Choices of becomming an Adult in her own way . But Teach her how to be someone She will be proud to Teach her children.

Tough Love is Harder on the One that Loves. What goes around Comes around .